Tag : sex-advice

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Hi even sending this is a huge step for me so I hope you can help. I’m a committed Christian and feel very weird even thinking about sex and I don’t know if that’s just me or what I’ve been taught but I also really want to be a good lover to a future husband but I don’t know how to learn that. Should I just wait until I get married and figure it out with him or do you think edging would help? A friend told me to write to you I hope it’s okay.

Hi there anon, well done being brave and asking, it’s a really important question.

I know from surveys we’ve done there are lots of women, in similar positions, usually Christian or Muslim who follow the blog. And of course as I’ve talked about a few times my wife was in exactly that position, pastor’s kid etc.

I totally understand where you’re coming from and while I appreciate the idea of holding off and learning it all with your husband, I think that’s a bad idea. 

That’s mostly because part of your hesitation about doing anything now comes from quite natural insecurities about sex, your body, your sexual responses. Churches, heck, most societies are awful at teaching young people about this stuff. And those insecurities are NOT going away unless you do something about it. 

Instead you’re likely going to drag all those things into your marriage bed and make what can ideally be the most amazing experiences of your life just a confusing, scared mess that puts HUGE pressure on the guy to make it work.

The bottom line is this, if you don’t know how your body responds sexually, if you don’t understand what turns you on and what you like, how on earth can you expect him to?

Those first experiences can be absolutely amazing, I speak from experience, but for that to happen you both need to be relaxed, and excited, and as comfortable with yourselves sexually as you can be.

Also you’re at a huge disadvantage. Your husband-to-be has, in 99% of cases (and they say the other 1% is lying) been masturbating for years. Also, unfortunately he’s most likely been watching porn for years too and because of that his expectations are going to be sky high, and setting things up for disappointment. If you go into that marriage bed completely naive to how he thinks, let alone the basics of how you orgasm or what you respond to, it’s going to be such a huge mismatch of expectations there is no way it ends well.

So instead here’s my advice. Make a concerted effort to understand yourself. It is your responsibility to know your body, how it responds, what you enjoy, and to become excited about the possibility of sex. Don’t forget in the bible we have an entire erotic book in the Song of Solomon that talks about (in poetic terms) masturbation, getting aroused and wet, titillation and oral sex, as well as sex. Yeah it really does. Jews traditionally weren’t even allowed to read it till they were 21! And married couples are encouraged to have sex on a daily basis or whenever either is horny by St Paul.

Add to that and there is NOWHERE in the bible that says masturbation is wrong (the case of Onan being condemned for ‘spilling his seed on the ground’ is about not honouring his brother’s legacy by getting his widow pregnant (let’s not even go there), nothing to do with masturbation, at all).

So give it a go, guilt-free, with the intention of positively working out how you respond, what feels good, what turns you on (lots of stories on here), and also how to orgasm, and multiple orgasm. Beyond that it’s also about training your biggest sexual orgasm YOUR BRAIN to be good at this too. Read some good erotica, maybe even watch some very female friendly porn, or for many reading captions here on Tumblr and now BDSMLR is a huge turn on too. Through practise and some non judgemental exploration you’ll realise just how incredible your mind and body are. Whether you’re evolutionist or creationist, we were MADE to have sex, how great is that. Just look at our ridiculous bodies, someone somewhere is having a laugh, I know that.

Having said all that a common issue after masturbation is the loss of libido after an orgasm is often tied with a feeling of worry or guilt that it was wrong to do. This isn’t a great thing to keep doing to yourself either, as I know many for whom orgasm=guilt (I went to catholic school), which is one reason why edging is such a great option when exploring for yourself. It has an element of self-discipline in it, it promotes you feeling good about yourself, and it doesn’t have that drop at the end.

Beyond that it’s all the reasons I promote it too, the self-confidence that comes from edging, the way it helps your self-image, how sexy and feminine it can make you feel, it’s such a positive activity if you’re wanting to build up any of those areas.

I hope that helps, oh and finally it sounds like you have a good friend there. Talk to her about it, that’s what friends are for. Not feeling you’re all alone and weird with this stuff is the first major step to getting good at it. The essence of good sex is actually communication, so learning to be at ease talking about it with someone you trust, the good bits, the hot bits, and the worries you have, will be a massive help to you becoming the confident, sex-positive woman I’m sure you hope to be.

James

Sorry if you’re not the right person to ask, or if my question doesn’t make much sense, but how exactly does one give a man multiple orgasms? Like, can all guys do this? Do you just have to keep stimulating through the post orgasm torture phase until it gets pleasurable again, like with girls, or is there another way to do it and avoid the sensitivity? Thank you in advance!

It makes perfect sense, however the answer is, ‘it depends’.

So much of this depends on the guy, and especially his age. 

When I was a teen I could knock orgasms out one after another without a thought. Now I’m in my 40′s (when the fuck did that happen…) I’m mostly a ‘one and done’, probably to my wife’s relief some days… Although as you can imagine I do try to make the journey to that one something special.

We were doing a medical role play last year and we still managed four or five as part of the ‘medical assessment’ but that was seriously hard work. 

You don’t have to put someone through post orgasm torture to get multiple orgasms though! For men, or women! (I know, I should have let her think that, shut up you’re all evil).

The normal way to do it is simply wait a minute or two and go again. It’s called the refractory period and does vary a bit but using either your hand or you mouth just work hard and fast to get him stiffening up again, that can take a few minutes, and is as much a mental thing as physical, so whispering hot stuff at this point is a huge help ‘I’m going to milk you till your balls are dry’ works.

There will be a point where it just starts to feel good again and off you go. A vibe can work too but I find a well lubed hand or mouth is best. Depending how soft he gets it’s kind of fun playing with a flaccid cock and it can start to feel good very fast, so it’s possible to make him cum before he’s got hard which is really weird, but I like weird.

There are some guys who won’t be able to do this, and some women too, although it’s far more common for women to be able to, and your refractory period tends to be tens of seconds instead of minutes.

But you do NOT have to keep stimulation going after orgasm for anyone – you just do that if you’re mean and want to watch them squirm and shout.

The one meanish fact that helps with men, more than women though, is we tend to be able to do multiples better (I shouldn’t’t be telling you this) if you ruin the orgasm… The incomplete orgasm of a ruin definitely helps the refractory period to be shorter and you to get back to the edge again.

In my experience ruins don’t tend to do the same to women, in fact sometimes they make it harder to get to the edge again because they are such a mind fuck, but for men, yeah, that ruined orgasm can be chained into more than if you were letting him cum properly.

Have fun with that.

Hey there, I have never been able to have an orgasm during sex before, but rather feel satisfied with the act itself. Ironically, all I would care about when I would play with myself was getting a bunch of orgasms in. Now, having tried denial(although I haven’t been able to edge recently really[I keep accidentally cumming]), it is awesome and makes me playtime more fun and difficult. Even talked to my boy about it and we may be adding it to our play. Love your blog!

Thank you! It’s definitely worth adding in, and can I suggest if he’s up for it, try it for BOTH of you, even if it’s playing in the morning, neither of you cumming, and then delighting in how horny and attentive it makes you both all day until you both, or he, cums that evening. It’ll win him over AND give him a better understanding of WHY this crazy idea is so hot.

Not cumming during sex is very common, if we’re talking about the actual fucking part. Only about 30% of women report that being enough to make them cum, and yes, despite not cumming it can be very satisfying. 

BUT, if we put aside the denial part for a bit and see ‘sex’ as more than just the penetration, then you should be cumming as part of the experience. My personal rule when we aren’t practising denial, is pretty much always ‘she cums first’. My wife will have usually had 2-3 orgasms before I even put my cock in her. It makes her happy, horny and feeling very connected, and also means she’s more likely to actually cum from being fucked (as long as you’ve kept up the pace and don’t let her slip off the ‘orgasmic plateau’ as it’s called.

So as well as exploring denial, which obviously is great, I do encourage you both to try that too, Whether it’s with his fingers, mouth or toys, try you cumming first when you’re making love, it’s as positive experience as bringing edging and denial to the bedroom in my opinion. 

James

Woah woah woah WAIT! It’s possible to squirt without cumming??

Yes, but it’s not common. The trick is to have an empty bladder to start so there’s not much pee involved, and as you get close and feel that pressure to go, you actually force it, you push out like you were trying to pee. 

That’s what’s happening if you squirt when you cum, you’re letting go in the moment of pleasure and so not holding it in. Usually if you want to squirt before that, get that ‘filled up’ feeling and then you need to be a bit more deliberate about it.

It doesn’t feel as good as squirting when cumming, because at that point all the pleasure and release is rolling up into one experience, but it can be quite, exhilarating. I’ve known it tip someone over into cumming a couple of times.

I find for most it’s more a mental barrier you have to get over. Just grab a towel and give it a go!

I’m having sex for the first time new week because I’m ready emotionally and physically but want some advice on how I should go about trying to fit my boyfriend’s díck in my pussy when I can’t even get 2 fingers in their myself even after trying for so many years. HOW DO I GO ABOUT THIS?

Okay, I’m very glad you asked about this!

So look, not to get too personal but a lot depends on how big his cock is. The average cock size is about 6 inches. And if he’s around average size then as long as you take things slowly, get really excited first, and USE LUBE it’s going to be fine.

Lube makes your cherry pop so much sweeter

No really, just your wetness, or god forbid, spit, is NOT ENOUGH. Especially when you’re doing it for the first few times but honestly, lube always makes sex better (and is always essential for anal sex, ALWAYS).

Your pussy is designed for cock, if you’re relaxed, lubed and horny it’s going to be good. 

But let’s step away from the denial blog here, and get reading my tips on how to make the first time AWESOME

Follow those tips, and you can’t go far wrong. If your hymen is still intact there might be a little sharp moment of pain where that’s streched more, and even a little blood, from both that and just your vagina isn’t used to being fucked, yet… but that’s completely normal and your pussy, like your mouth, heals super fast and is literally designed for this, so go slow, have fun, and you’ll do great.

Unless, he has a monster cock. If he’s really well endowed then we just need to add a bit more to think about. Basically, it’s going to hurt. Hopefully not a lot, and hopefully, if you’ve done all the above, in that ‘good kinda hurt’ way. Some women actually totally love that feeling of being stretched, but you’re new to it so the big thing is to use EXTRA lube and go EXTRA slow. I mean, crazy good self control by him needed here not to just wham it in, In fact the best tip is just as I’d suggest with anal for anyone, you go on top for that first time. Lower yourself onto him as slowly as you want, and take it little by little, stretching and edging yourself as you go. If it hurts too much then just go for getting the head in and then give him a blow job for being so patient and try again another day.

If he is big btw, make sure to read my guide on blow jobs for big cocks

Two notes, if it continues to hurt, go see a doctor! It shouldn’t and doctors literally train to help you with this stuff. So be brave and don’t suffer, get it sorted.

Secondly, all this assumes you’re both being smart with both birth control (don’t be in this situation, ever) and safe sex. If you’re not, then you might be emotionally ready but you ain’t physically ready, so get it sorted first and make sure it’s a hot, fun and sexy first time.

Oh and tell us all about how it goes cos’ we’re all pervs here and we love hearing about it.

Oh and I’d be remiss if I didn’t add edging into the mix. Edging for a few days up to it would never be a bad thing, it’ll help you be at peak arousal when it’s all happening, which you’ll both enjoy.

James

I’m embarrassed to say but I haven’t ever got past the hymen. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I try pushing past it and no matter how hard i push nothing happens and I just hurt. So i’ve resorted to doing all sexual stuff not involving my vagina. But i just want to finally penetrate but it isnt working and im frustrated

So this probably isn’t what you want to hear but, you should see a doctor about this. 

Rarely a hymen can be ‘septate’ which means instead of it just being a fringe around the inside of your vagina it actually blocks it a bit, or it can even be completely blocking it (imperforate). Or some mix in between:

https://youngwomenshealth.org/2013/07/10/hymens/

It’s a really easy fix but needs to be done by a doctor, so I know it can be embarrassing but you’ve been brave enough to write to me, so I really encourage you to just talk to them about it, and get this sorted.

Even if it isn’t that, it’s some kind of issue that it’s worth getting medical advice on. I know even in western countries it’s hard and in other cultures even more difficult but you are more than your culture and you need to be confident taking responsibility for your sexual health, rather than just being scared to talk about it and so suffering silently, don’t do that!

And of course you don’t need to say ‘I keep trying to fuck myself and it won’t happen’ – your best bet is using tampons as the excuse ‘They just won’t go in and it hurts’. And ask for a female doctor, most places will respect that.

I hope that helps! Get it sorted and start to enjoy penetration, it’s literally what your pussy is for!

James

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Hey james, I was wondering, how many times can a man cum in a row? It’s for science. Thank you! -S.

Well when my friends and I sit around and talk about jacking off this often comes up. Actually no, no it doesn’t.

So I’m sure experiences will vary a lot but for most guys the answer is, once. It’s not because they couldn’t cum more if they really wanted to, it’s just we are lazy fuckers and once our balls are emptied we mostly just want to lie back and bliss out. This is a reason why in general love-making the ‘She cums first’ rule is so powerful, because we don’t give a shit about anything once we do.

Penises go into a ‘refractory’ period after cumming which means without some extra help, such as a cock ring or viagra, they’ll go soft and stay that way for a while.

So this is, for most guys, quite markedly different from a woman’s multiple orgasms. Women have what’s described as an ‘orgasmic plateau’ where once they cum they don’t have the full drop in response that men do. We basically have to work back to orgasm from the starting point (except we aren’t horny the next time around) whereas women often (not always) stay pretty horny after cumming (you stay even hornier not cumming, just saying), and so that enables women to get back to more orgasms much faster and more easily than men. For instance I’ve lost count many a time making my wife cum, but it was often in high teens and into the 30+ arena in rare sessions – you can compare that to my results below.

And yes, that graph totally has a denial option on for the women… love it.

I’ve done things in the interest of science for a long time, so of course I wondered the same as the OP, And having a handy penis to experiment with (mine, before you ask) I used to do regular research. I’d find that I could cum four or five times before I couldn’t get an erection again. So that’s in a row, with a few minutes between each. But it’d get harder to get there each time.

But that was when I was a young lad. Nowadays I’d not try to go for more than two,and most of the time it’s just one. The exceptions is if they are ruined, when I can get to four or five still (fucked up but hot),

The other interesting fact is you do eventually run ‘dry’ which is a mindfuck. So your first ejaculation is the biggest, but actually the second can be nearly as large, or at least substantial (which is always surprising). By orgasm 3 your balls are definitely draining, it’s just the remnants, And on the fourth it’s just what your prostate has managed to churn up while you’ve been wanking, little more than a dribble. By the fifth, nothing cums out. YMMV

Hey, this is kinda embarrassing but I’m going to have sex with my girlfriend but I want to make it special and fun. Can you give me some advice/positions? Anything could help. Thank you

female-orgasm-denial:

I do love specific asks. This isn’t one of them…

I don’t know if you’re a guy, or a girl. I have no idea if this is your first time or not. ‘Can you give me some advice/positions’ is so vague it hurts.

Despite all that (OMG people please be specific with questions, it helps so much) here’s a few little pointers

Start with your MOUTH. Nope, I don’t mean oral sex, I mean, WORDS. Tell her how beautiful you think she is, how you feel about her, how excited she makes you. Get her wet on words alone.

Then use your HANDS. Touch her, caress her, tease her. Take your time, there’s no rush. Treat her like you’re unwrapping a present. Make her ache for you to go to the next step before you do it. Kiss, a lot, as your hands explore her. Use your fingers to caress her nipples then slowly work down to her clit and masturbate her as you make out. Keep talking, and listening. See how she responds, what she likes most. Make her crazy for more.

Then your MOUTH again, kissing down her neck, focusing on her breasts as your fingers stimulate her clit even more. Then, going down, down down until it’s your mouth on her, making her grab your hair as you lick and kiss and gently suck on her clit, your fingers starting to explore inside her, getting her ready for more.

And then, when you’ve got her to the edge, you come back up to kiss her and your fingers keep her right on the edge and you look into her eyes and tell her to cum for you and kiss her hard and deep as you make her orgasm.

Because yes, SHE CUMS FIRST.

And then (I’m assuming you have a cock because girls tend to ask better questions than this), and ONLY then do you start to tease her with your cock. (I’m also going to assume you are being smart and safe and using condoms). If this is a first/early time, no matter how wet she is, you should also use a little lube, it will make it much more pleasurable.

Encourage her to use her hands and mouth on you too, see if you can make her cum again while she does. 

But then, lay her back, because old school missionary is best for this scenario, and you press your lubed cock between her pussy lips, not in her, on her, and you rub it up and down so it grinds on her clit and the tip slips down to where she wants it so much, but you don’t give it to her yet, you look into her eyes and you keep talking and kissing and you tease the tip until she begs you to put it in her.

And then you do, but… just the tip. Self control is everything, as you watch her mouth open and then her eyes beg you for more, but you don’t give her more, not yet, You just fuck the head of your cock in and out, ten, twenty times, make her want it more than anything she’s ever wanted. And then, slowly, but with strength, you push it all the way inside her. And you hold it there, the two of you, joined. 

And then, back, back to the tip, five more half thrusts, and then deep again, keep doing that, keep teasing her, drive her crazy, make her lose it as you start to fuck harder, deeper, making her yours, claiming her inside and out. Wrap an arm around her back and pull her to you as you build in intensity and speed. Kiss, bite, bury your face in her hair as you focus on how good it feels, then lean back, let her see you as you cum, let her see how amazing it is to share this with her, and don’t hold back, fuck her, fuck her hard, and be vocal, she doesn’t want you quiet now, let her hear your pleasure as you jet your cum out.

And then, when you’re done. Don’t pull out, not straight away. Stay there, together. Kiss, look at her, tell her how amazing she is, how great that was. 

Then carefully pull out, both of you do a little clean up (sex is messy), and then, cuddle the fuck out of her. You never know, she might have a little bit of cumming left to do, so cup her mound with your hand and see if she’s up for more. And maybe after a little recovery, you will be too.

Special enough for you?

Found this reblogged, forgot I wrote it. It’s good shit. Enjoy.

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Is it really shitty that I’ve not lost my virginity yet? Im 18 and i feel like the biggest loser and like im never gonna find anyone that thinks im anything special.

No you muppet. It’s not shitty at all, it’s great! 

You’re holding out to do it with someone who cares about you. NEVER feel bad about this. It means you have standards and self-control, what are you whining about?

Most people who lose their virginity younger than you (and you’re only just at the average age for the US anyway) tend, in my experience, to have had a pretty crap time of it. A few are lucky enough to have a great time, but mostly it’s a few awkward thrusts, a moan and a ‘was that it?

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You see the biggest problem having sex as a teenage girl, is that you tend to have to do it with teenage guys… (from my own research with friends I’d tend to say lesbians have a better time of it (you might actually get to cum!), and gay guys the worst in terms of first time experiences, but it’s rarely good for anyone).

Teenage guys are really, really bad at sex. They’ve grown up educated by porn, and think that all you need to see is a bare chest and a hard dick to be ready to fuck. They have no idea how to make you cum, or even the concept that you should be cumming long before they even get their penis near your vagina.

You’re lucky if you get this much foreplay…

Now the best thing to redeem that is the two of you are in love, because then it has all the lovely romantic first time shit going on and it turns that few awkward thrusts and a moan into, well loving, awkward thrusts and a moan, which is a bit better.

Meanwhile  studies show that having a good first time experience leads to a better sex life later on in life (no shit) as you aren’t having to undo the negative associations in your head each time you get intimate.

Look, I’m really old fashioned when it comes to this stuff, despite all the fantasies on the blog, I’m a big believer that any sex, especially full on intercourse, is best enjoyed in a committed, loving relationship.

Good sex, making love, is so much more than just fucking (whether that’s cocks in you or a girl’s fingers/strap on or even just cumming together, pick whatever definition is appropriate).

Now please don’t think I’m being a downer on sex outside of that context. I totally get the thrill of it, and the pleasure it can bring. I’m just saying I think the best and most fulfilling sex is found with someone you love.

So do not short change yourself just because you feel some nonsense social pressure to lose your cherry, it’s madness. Plus most of the others are lying about it.

My very first experiences denying someone else was with my wife-to-be, when we kind of accidentally stumbled onto teasing and denying each other. We decided it’d be hot to wait till our wedding night to have full intercourse, so we had 18 amazing months driving each other crazy, in the best possible ways.

She went from cute little vanilla English rose to full-blown kinky slut, and I got mad skills in the finger and oral departments. But even more, I got good at getting in her head and turning her on with my words and actions more than just fucking could ever do (and you my dear followers now read the benefit of that…)

It taught us amazing self-control, but beyond that we spent months discovering all the other ways we could give each other pleasure beyond just sticking my dick in her pussy. And it left room for a lot of romance which seems to be so often lacking in early relationships now. 

Protip guys, a poem beats a dick pic, every, single, time.

So dear anon, you are anything but a loser, so stop indulging the self-pity. Instead, work on loving yourself some more, accomplishing things you’re proud of, and using edging and denial to do as much as you can to turn yourself into a superstar lover in waiting.

That special someone is out there, be patient, use your time positively, and get out and find ways to meet new people. Virgin or not, love yourself, and you’ll find that special someone is very attracted to that. Then you can be the little fuck monkey you dream about and it’ll be all the better for it.

James


Always happy to have questions like this, and hear in the notes other people’s opinions!

Let me add the usual warning that safe sex is non-negotiable – contraception and a condom is best. Also, your situation is going to vary. If you had a great first experience, I’m so delighted (tell us about it, it’s always fascinating), if you had a bad one, don’t worry about it, it’s just not that important, it’s mostly some silly social construct perpetuated by the patriarchy anyway, right (feel free to tell us about it too). If you had a horrible first experience(s), and many do, and carry the scars of being forced for example, then again, that does not define you, and you do not have to let it stop you from having great sex in the future. However, it’s going to be harder path for you, and one you’ll need someone to help you with in my experience. So consider googling for a helpine or talk to someone you trust, because your past does not have to define your future. Love, James

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