No you muppet. It’s not shitty at all, it’s great! 

You’re holding out to do it with someone who cares about you. NEVER feel bad about this. It means you have standards and self-control, what are you whining about?

Most people who lose their virginity younger than you (and you’re only just at the average age for the US anyway) tend, in my experience, to have had a pretty crap time of it. A few are lucky enough to have a great time, but mostly it’s a few awkward thrusts, a moan and a ‘was that it?


You see the biggest problem having sex as a teenage girl, is that you tend to have to do it with teenage guys… (from my own research with friends I’d tend to say lesbians have a better time of it (you might actually get to cum!), and gay guys the worst in terms of first time experiences, but it’s rarely good for anyone).

Teenage guys are really, really bad at sex. They’ve grown up educated by porn, and think that all you need to see is a bare chest and a hard dick to be ready to fuck. They have no idea how to make you cum, or even the concept that you should be cumming long before they even get their penis near your vagina.

You’re lucky if you get this much foreplay…

Now the best thing to redeem that is the two of you are in love, because then it has all the lovely romantic first time shit going on and it turns that few awkward thrusts and a moan into, well loving, awkward thrusts and a moan, which is a bit better.

Meanwhile  studies show that having a good first time experience leads to a better sex life later on in life (no shit) as you aren’t having to undo the negative associations in your head each time you get intimate.

Look, I’m really old fashioned when it comes to this stuff, despite all the fantasies on the blog, I’m a big believer that any sex, especially full on intercourse, is best enjoyed in a committed, loving relationship.

Good sex, making love, is so much more than just fucking (whether that’s cocks in you or a girl’s fingers/strap on or even just cumming together, pick whatever definition is appropriate).

Now please don’t think I’m being a downer on sex outside of that context. I totally get the thrill of it, and the pleasure it can bring. I’m just saying I think the best and most fulfilling sex is found with someone you love.

So do not short change yourself just because you feel some nonsense social pressure to lose your cherry, it’s madness. Plus most of the others are lying about it.

My very first experiences denying someone else was with my wife-to-be, when we kind of accidentally stumbled onto teasing and denying each other. We decided it’d be hot to wait till our wedding night to have full intercourse, so we had 18 amazing months driving each other crazy, in the best possible ways.

She went from cute little vanilla English rose to full-blown kinky slut, and I got mad skills in the finger and oral departments. But even more, I got good at getting in her head and turning her on with my words and actions more than just fucking could ever do (and you my dear followers now read the benefit of that…)

It taught us amazing self-control, but beyond that we spent months discovering all the other ways we could give each other pleasure beyond just sticking my dick in her pussy. And it left room for a lot of romance which seems to be so often lacking in early relationships now. 

Protip guys, a poem beats a dick pic, every, single, time.

So dear anon, you are anything but a loser, so stop indulging the self-pity. Instead, work on loving yourself some more, accomplishing things you’re proud of, and using edging and denial to do as much as you can to turn yourself into a superstar lover in waiting.

That special someone is out there, be patient, use your time positively, and get out and find ways to meet new people. Virgin or not, love yourself, and you’ll find that special someone is very attracted to that. Then you can be the little fuck monkey you dream about and it’ll be all the better for it.


Always happy to have questions like this, and hear in the notes other people’s opinions!

Let me add the usual warning that safe sex is non-negotiable – contraception and a condom is best. Also, your situation is going to vary. If you had a great first experience, I’m so delighted (tell us about it, it’s always fascinating), if you had a bad one, don’t worry about it, it’s just not that important, it’s mostly some silly social construct perpetuated by the patriarchy anyway, right (feel free to tell us about it too). If you had a horrible first experience(s), and many do, and carry the scars of being forced for example, then again, that does not define you, and you do not have to let it stop you from having great sex in the future. However, it’s going to be harder path for you, and one you’ll need someone to help you with in my experience. So consider googling for a helpine or talk to someone you trust, because your past does not have to define your future. Love, James

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