Hi even sending this is a huge step for me so I hope you can help. I’m a committed Christian and feel very weird even thinking about sex and I don’t know if that’s just me or what I’ve been taught but I also really want to be a good lover to a future husband but I don’t know how to learn that. Should I just wait until I get married and figure it out with him or do you think edging would help? A friend told me to write to you I hope it’s okay.

Hi there anon, well done being brave and asking, it’s a really important question.

I know from surveys we’ve done there are lots of women, in similar positions, usually Christian or Muslim who follow the blog. And of course as I’ve talked about a few times my wife was in exactly that position, pastor’s kid etc.

I totally understand where you’re coming from and while I appreciate the idea of holding off and learning it all with your husband, I think that’s a bad idea. 

That’s mostly because part of your hesitation about doing anything now comes from quite natural insecurities about sex, your body, your sexual responses. Churches, heck, most societies are awful at teaching young people about this stuff. And those insecurities are NOT going away unless you do something about it. 

Instead you’re likely going to drag all those things into your marriage bed and make what can ideally be the most amazing experiences of your life just a confusing, scared mess that puts HUGE pressure on the guy to make it work.

The bottom line is this, if you don’t know how your body responds sexually, if you don’t understand what turns you on and what you like, how on earth can you expect him to?

Those first experiences can be absolutely amazing, I speak from experience, but for that to happen you both need to be relaxed, and excited, and as comfortable with yourselves sexually as you can be.

Also you’re at a huge disadvantage. Your husband-to-be has, in 99% of cases (and they say the other 1% is lying) been masturbating for years. Also, unfortunately he’s most likely been watching porn for years too and because of that his expectations are going to be sky high, and setting things up for disappointment. If you go into that marriage bed completely naive to how he thinks, let alone the basics of how you orgasm or what you respond to, it’s going to be such a huge mismatch of expectations there is no way it ends well.

So instead here’s my advice. Make a concerted effort to understand yourself. It is your responsibility to know your body, how it responds, what you enjoy, and to become excited about the possibility of sex. Don’t forget in the bible we have an entire erotic book in the Song of Solomon that talks about (in poetic terms) masturbation, getting aroused and wet, titillation and oral sex, as well as sex. Yeah it really does. Jews traditionally weren’t even allowed to read it till they were 21! And married couples are encouraged to have sex on a daily basis or whenever either is horny by St Paul.

Add to that and there is NOWHERE in the bible that says masturbation is wrong (the case of Onan being condemned for ‘spilling his seed on the ground’ is about not honouring his brother’s legacy by getting his widow pregnant (let’s not even go there), nothing to do with masturbation, at all).

So give it a go, guilt-free, with the intention of positively working out how you respond, what feels good, what turns you on (lots of stories on here), and also how to orgasm, and multiple orgasm. Beyond that it’s also about training your biggest sexual orgasm YOUR BRAIN to be good at this too. Read some good erotica, maybe even watch some very female friendly porn, or for many reading captions here on Tumblr and now BDSMLR is a huge turn on too. Through practise and some non judgemental exploration you’ll realise just how incredible your mind and body are. Whether you’re evolutionist or creationist, we were MADE to have sex, how great is that. Just look at our ridiculous bodies, someone somewhere is having a laugh, I know that.

Having said all that a common issue after masturbation is the loss of libido after an orgasm is often tied with a feeling of worry or guilt that it was wrong to do. This isn’t a great thing to keep doing to yourself either, as I know many for whom orgasm=guilt (I went to catholic school), which is one reason why edging is such a great option when exploring for yourself. It has an element of self-discipline in it, it promotes you feeling good about yourself, and it doesn’t have that drop at the end.

Beyond that it’s all the reasons I promote it too, the self-confidence that comes from edging, the way it helps your self-image, how sexy and feminine it can make you feel, it’s such a positive activity if you’re wanting to build up any of those areas.

I hope that helps, oh and finally it sounds like you have a good friend there. Talk to her about it, that’s what friends are for. Not feeling you’re all alone and weird with this stuff is the first major step to getting good at it. The essence of good sex is actually communication, so learning to be at ease talking about it with someone you trust, the good bits, the hot bits, and the worries you have, will be a massive help to you becoming the confident, sex-positive woman I’m sure you hope to be.

James

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