Hi there anon. Gosh there’s a lot of love for toys on here now. I guess since we can actually talk about them and show pictures then it’s a good topic for the new puritanical Tumblr…

Okay so before I get into the sale let me mention something I spotted while browsing in the Deal of the Day (for both the US and New Zealand, randomly)

Lovehoney Deal of the Day

UK and Europe have a rather less interesting remote knicker vibrator, might be a nice present though.

The suction cup there can also take that purple vibe so make it vibrate, and on top of that you’ve got three other good looking vibes, and a butt plug.

That’s pretty amazing for $45! 

Oh you could even wrap them up individually and have a Santa’s sex toy sack lucky dip! I can picture it now…

Hey James, your wife says you get the butt plug.

Remember the deal of the day change at midnight. Hence the name…

In terms of suction cup dildos though, my ongoing recommendation is in the sale:

Lovehoney Christmas 50% off sale (on till tomorrow or Friday only I think)

And that is the Purple 7 inch silicone suction cup dildo

This is pretty much perfect in all ways (but one). It’s really high quality silicone which is what you want in a dildo. The colour is great, it’s so smooth I just want to rub it on my cheek, it’s got a nice curve in it for g-spot stimulation, it’s also a good size for anal once you’re beyond a beginner.

It fits in a strap on, in fact you can get it with an excellent strap on harness (the one we have) – which means you can use it with your partner – and that strap on is a split design which means guys can wear it too (why would guys use it? DP my dear, DP, or, if you’re a real kinky fucker you can cage his cock and get him to fuck you with this, heh heh).

The size of this is pretty much perfect, It’s NOT small, but not too big either. And because it has no balls, one of my favourite uses is sliding it inside a pussy and leaving it hidden inside, rubbing, fucking you secretly at work or school or wherever. Just imagine…

Anyway…back in the room. My one annoyance with it? Who the fuck put the cock head on the wrong way up? That’s not how most penises look. But it’s buried in you when using it so not a major issue.

There is a case for longer being better for suction cup dildos though. 

That’s because when you stick it to a wall, or floor, or mirror, or toilet seat, or window… the longer it is the less uncomfy it is to push back and get it deep in you.

Previously at this point I’d put in a gif showing just what I mean. But here’s a tumblr censored version…

A pussy slamming against a wall, geddit?

Anyway, back to penises we can show, fake ones!

This is in the sale too and is even longer:

But good god, it’s a Frankenweenie! I mean I get some like veiny but this thing could grate cheese. Also, as mentioned above, testicles are not desirable in these things if you want to secrete it in you, plus they make it heavier so harder to stick to stuff or more tiring to fuck. So go ballless if I were you.

Basically, get the purple one, you won’t be disappointed. Although for us in the UK it’s not in the sale, USA it’s down to $13.50, Bargain! £20 here.

Something you can only get in the US is this very special item though, I’m not sure how anyone will resist…

Oh yeah, the King Cock DOUBLE PENETRATOR down to $39. I mean, if you are paying by the kilo that’s a bargain!

I have to cite the write up, I think Lovehoney are trolling us here:

With more huff & puff than a hungry wolf, these twin peaks will do more than tickle the hair on your chinny chin chin. Vaginal penetration that’s girthier than Grandma, with anal slimmer than Slenderman, that will have you saying “Mmm, that’s just right”. 

Well, that’s my mum’s Christmas present sorted. But really, maybe, save that, for like, when you’ve had five kids, and a lot of butt sex.

If you men feel like you’re missing out I dare you to find the ‘Pipedream Extreme Fuck Me

Silly 2 Sex Doll Pussy Tits and Ass Masturbator 8.2kg” It’s so horrifying I’m not even going to post a picture. It would make a great cake tempate though, you’ll see what I mean.

Let me finish off with this one though as it’s one of the few toys we don’t have and I think it looks cool:

It’s a strapless strap on. The twirly bit goes in your vagina and voila, you can fuck things! I hear good things about these but there’s one MAJOR proviso.

To use them successfully you need to be able to crack walnuts with your pussy. Literally. If you aren’t blessed with Wonderwoman’s pelvic floor they are really hard work. £15 in the sale though (UK only) I think I’m gonna get one!

So, most of those are to be found in the Lovehoney 50% off Christmas Sale

There are LOADS of fun things there. And this is the second time I’ve typed this as it fucked up the page just as I hit post so I’m going to leave it to you to find some more and see what you like the look of! And let us know.

Also, remember with Lovehoney, and the big reason besides the fact we’ve used them from the year they opened, is they offer a no quibbles 30 day satisfaction guarantee. They’ll exchange any toy you buy and don’t like, and their customer services are brilliant, they’re the Amazon of the sex toy world IMO – the all female customer service agents are all big toy fans, and usually hilarious to talk to. So buy with confidence and if you find whatever you get doesn’t work for you, just swap it out! More sex toys to try, you can’t go wrong!

The last reason to buy from them is you’re supporting this blog when you do. I’m now having to pay to host the new sites I’m setting up to prevent being purged again. So while it isn’t much it all helps to make this worthwhile, and it’s kinda hot being your sex toy pimp xxx

Hope there’s some fun options in there for you OP. Have a merry and well stuffed Christmas!!


Santa brought her the extendable dildo she’d always wanted. It was so kind of him to stay and read the instructions with her…

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