Dear Nicole,
Thank you. It means so much to me to hear this. I know denial can just be a bit of fun, and that’s great, but it’s the fact it can have such a deep, powerful impact that makes me keep wanting to do this blog and promote orgasm denial.
Well done on being brave enough to want to change, and bold enough to do something about it.
A heads up though, there are probably still things you need to work on. You guys having sex again is brilliant, but it’s just the beginning.
Make the most of the new positive dynamic to take time with the other stuff. Get a weekly date night in place so you can have your romance fix. Get away on ‘dirty weekends’ at least a couple of times a year. Create a shared secret tumblr where you can post kinky shit to each other. And set up a private messaging service for JUST the two of you, something like Viber or Telegraph so you can send each other cute and sexy messages without worrying it’s going to appear on your Facebook wall.
I know it’s tempting for some reading this to feel a bit outraged, ‘Why the fuck is this her problem, he sounds like he’s being an asshole…’, ‘Why does she have to get horny and put out to fix this?’.
Those are really good questions, but here’s what I’ve found.
Sex is magic. If your relationship is at a place where you can start having sex again, it builds a foundation for so much more to be sorted out.
It seems obvious to think of sex as something that can happen when all our emotions and relationship are in a good place. But it’s really counter intuitive. Start fucking again, despite how you’re feeling, and it acts like a jump start on your relationship.
If you can take that first step, even if the issues aren’t your fault, and get back to enjoying sex together, then it will put you in a much better place to get the rest sorted. Men being men, we’re crap at taking that first step, so if denial helps you feel in the mood and take the first step as it did for Nicole then I urge you to try it.
The reality is, us men aren’t very complex creatures. Show us a bit of love, suck our cocks and fuck us and we’re happy. It’s just how we’re wired. It’d be lovely if we were spontaneously romantic and selfless, but on the whole we’re not, especially when deep down we feel we’re being denied sex. It’s petty and stupid and often unconscious, but it’s just how it is. If you can be smart and brave enough to take the first step and fuck us despite that, in many (not all) cases you’ll start a happy avalanche of positivitiy that’ll flow down the hill and create lots of other things that you want.
We’ve been there as a couple. When we had our first kid it killed our sex life. We went from being a kinky little pair of fuckers to exhausted, sexless, frustrated parents.
It took a long time before we both realised we need to fix things, and got back into having date nights, and sex, even if we weren’t in the mood, and then we found we were in the mood and it didn’t take long to get back into the swing of things.
My wife, who is always smarter than me, took the initiative when the second baby came along. After about a week of the same pattern starting to happen she took the initiative. ‘Honey,’ she said, ‘you taught me to like anal, now make the most of it.’
And we basically went anal only for the first month while she healed up and we never got into the negative rut we had the first time around. Should I have been patient and selfless and just looked after her, yep! But we tried that the first time around and it didn’t work. She in her wisdom realised if I could just get some then it’d help my stupid prehensile penis brain be satisfied so my modern romantic caring brain could get to work.
So is it cheating to use denial to kick start this? I don’t think so.
I remember Jane on her @keephimcaged blog saying if there was a pill that made us feel the way denial can, we’d be selling it by the truckload. I love that, it’s so true.
Orgasm denial, male or female, make you feel horny, yes, but you feel sexy, body positive, more attractive and more attracted to the opposite sex. What’s not to like?
Nicole could have been the classic stalwart wife and just laid back and let him fuck her. But it’s just not the same, and both of you feel that. Instead, to kickstart herself into wanting it, just by edging. Brilliant. And as she says, ‘saved her marriage’.
Wow, orgasm denial rocks!
Thanks Nicole. I’d love to hear more about it if you feel brave enough to message me, everything’s in strict confidence.
And what about you guys reading this. Has anyone else had a similar experience where denial has helped your relationship? We’d love to hear about it.
Yours
James