Thanks for this. I’m not sure which post you’re referring to, the only one I can think of was the girl referred to therapy by her parents? I didn’t consider that incestuous.
I wouldn’t post incest content to the blog (now someone’s going to prove me wrong and find some ‘step sister’ caption from years ago…).
I’m happy to try and add a tag like ‘family’ to anything I do like that though, sure, but it’ll be few and far between if I ever post them. Not really my thing.
I know it’s a source of trauma for some. and I can only express how sad and angry that makes me. However sadness and anger don’t achieve much, so let me put some advice out there from my experience helping kinky friends move on from trauma like this. You’ve probably heard this, at least the first bit, but if a single person hasn’t, it’s worth sharing.
(Oh and if anyone reading this is into incest fantasies, there’s some advice for you further down.)
Advice to survivors
My best advice is to remember not to label yourself a victim, but a survivor. You were not broken, just damaged – but we are not made of glass, we are flesh and blood and we heal, physically and emotionally. It will get better.
The single most powerful thing you can do to bring that about, is talk to someone about what happened to you. If you have kept this to yourself it’s like a bomb inside you that can explode at the slightest trigger. Talking, as hard as that is, let’s the pressure out and helps you get a new perspective, one looking forward and not back.
Pick who you talk to wisely, some people can’t handle it. Some therapists can’t handle it (don’t get me started on that one). And if you don’t have anyone obvious to talk to, google ‘abuse survivor helpline’ and contact them. There are amazing people there who will BELIEVE WHAT YOU SAY. We both know how important that is. Most of them even have webchat now which is even easier for some to start a conversation over I’d imagine.
If you have more questions you want to ask on this, let me encourage you to send asks to my new @englishgentlemandom primary blog, as it’s something of a buzzkill to mix advice about abuse with the rest of the content on this one.
http://www.gentlemandom.com/ask
Also some helpline pointers (just from a quick google, I’m sure there will be some good suggestions in the notes).
UK – Survivors Trust – http://thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/
USA – RAINN https://www.rainn.org/
I’ve found this forum very helpful in the past too: http://www.pandys.org/
If you get off to incest porn and fantasies, this is for you
While we’re talking about the topic of incest fantasies though, let’s talk to those who do get off on them, because this isn’t discussed much. For some of you, you have serious guilt about this. I want you to know, it’s a common fantasy. You are not weird or disgusting because you get off on it.
The things that happen to us as we are developing sexually go on to shape how we think and what turns us on. Given that we grow up with family around us that’s often a seed that can be planted as we discover our sexuality, and it turns into a full blown kink. The availability of porn to reinforce any kink just makes it all the more potent.
Frankly, I imagine that if I’d grown up with a super hot older sister (I didn’t, I’m the eldest of two boys) then I’d have probably been tempted to jerk off thinking about her. And then with the proliferation of incest porn out there that could easily turn into an obsession.
My point is, it’s common, it’s not something to be wracked with guilt over.
However, incest is not cool. I think it’s a really unhealthy kink to be into. It’s socially unacceptable for obvious genetic reasons, and if you’re obsessed with it it’s going to fuck up your future sex life. No loving partner wants their other half to be imagining it’s their parent or sibling in bed with them. It’s not a good thing.
For those who fall into the category of having been abused, but also finding yourself aroused by incest fantasies and porn, you need to hear this even more. This is common. It is not something to be ashamed about.
It’s also common to be aroused by thinking about being abused again. From my limited experience you’re a minority, but a big minority!. Lots do this, but it’s seen as such a taboo that you feel no one will be able to understand.
It’s because of what happened to you, it’s part of the damage. Stop blaming yourself and feeling awful that you do it. (The pandys.org site linked to above is one of the few places I’ve found that discusses this openly – it’s a restricted site though, please don’t go there if you just want to rubberneck).
What was done to you completely messed up your emotions, fantasies and sexual response. It is part of the repercussions of the trauma you suffered. It’s not your fault. So stop feeling guilty and decide to do something about it, because you absolutely can.
So for everyone who is aroused by incest fantasies, whether you feel guilty or not, whether it’s come from abuse, or just growing up, or simply all the porn there is of it. Here’s what I suggest.
Cut that shit out. Really. Make a decision to not click the links or search the tags that bring it up. Unfollow the tumblrs that fill your dashboard with it. Get off on something else instead. Maybe even take a break from porn. Because usually that’s all it takes to fix it. We are not animals; as humans we have a choice between stimulus and response. So decide to find something else that excites you instead. There’s so much wonderful stuff out there to discover.
And look, you’ll mess up sometimes. Don’t worry about it. You’re weaning yourself off these negative kinks. Like anything it takes time and it gets easier as you do more of it. When you trip over, shrug it off, decide again you don’t want it and just get on with it. Even if you never totally dump a kink, if you can move it from an unhealthy obsession to something you very occasionally dip into, that’s a massive improvement.
And while I’m at it, I’ll throw in the other kinks I think are unhealthy too. Bestiality, snuff, scat, dolcett, autoerotic asphyxiation, and really any extreme desire to be hurt/maimed or to hurt others.
Actually, if anything is a ‘fetish’ rather than a kink (a kink is something that turns you on, a fetish is something you can’t get turned on without) then I’d say it’s unhealthy and you should apply the advice above. At the very least, find a balance.
I hope if you’re reading this and this is you, you’re not feeling condemned. That’s not my intention. I want to reassure you that being into kinks like this is pretty common, and it’s not worth wasting time feeling guilty about it.
If you think this is ‘kink shaming’ well I really don’t care. It’s important to clearly state I think some kinks are unhealthy. My blog, my opinion. It’s said with love.
So in my opinion it IS worth deciding to distance yourself from them and focus on much more fun, positive kinks. Hey, like orgasm denial! See what I did there?
So wow, that was something of a departure from the original ask, but I hope it’s helpful to some of you.
As I’ve said above, this is the kind of thing I’m happy to discuss on the new gentlemandom.com blog I’m still developing, so hit me up there for more discussion.
Love you all,
James