Hey James! Odd logistical question. I’m super duper into orgasm control/denial from a dominance perspective, but my girlfriend isn’t really into it, so we tend to focus on more mutual kinks. With that in mind, would you consider orgasm denial to be a kink or a turn-on for me? Thanks in advance! (Not for answering, but for reading; sometimes it’s just nice to be heard) -E

Hi E!

Well it’s a kink for you if you want to do it but for whatever reason can’t. That person the other day just liked getting off on others being denied, so that’s the line I draw between it being a turn on vs a kink. But that’s true for loads of porn – I’ll watch tentacle porn all day but beyond eating calamari have no desire to get more involved…

As for your own situation, firstly it’s great to focus on the mutual kinks, that’s what relationships are about, loving compromise for the betterment of all. However, denial is pretty easy to sneakily pair up with other things so you can still get your fix and it makes it all better. 

Pair it with bondage so you tease and lick and eat her out till she’s going crazy before you make her finish you off while she’s still denied – THEN give her what she’s craving. Or start off a day teasing her telling her you want her as horny as she’s ever been that evening so no cumming till then. Or give her a couple of ruins before a full orgasm and see how she does with that.

Don’t talk about it being denial, just do it, and see how she gets on once you get past a possible conceptual barrier to the real experience. However, it may still be she isn’t into it and that’s just life. But in my experience that’s pretty rare, the mix of feeling so great, mind blowing hormones, intimacy and fun that denial brings is appealing to most people, especially if you let them cum at the end.

Last of all, ask her to deny you. Make it a game, challenge her to see if she can make you beg. Why? Two reasons. Firstly those of us who love denying others often love it ourselves, and second it gives her an insight into why you love it so much and often will make her more receptive once she gets that.

Yours

James

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