Well you know as they say, time is the great heal…
Wait fuck THAT.
Fuck them. Didn’t they get how great you are? Because you are fucking awesome.
Well screw them. THEIR FUCKING LOSS.
What you’re going to do is make them realise that leaving you was the WORST DECISION THEY EVER MADE.
No more wallowing in self-pity. Get your ass off the floor. You’re better than this, bitch. Find something of theirs or even just a photo, and set fire to that shit.
‘Fuck you ex love of my life, now I realise you weren’t that, you were just practise. Thanks for the memories. Good bye’
Now you get your game on. You don’t need anyone else to be amazing. You already are. Time to focus on you and get your shit together and see just how incredible you can be.
Time to get organised, time to figure out what YOU want from life, and how to get it. This is what you needed. Not reliance on someone else who couldn’t even see how great you are. Nope, time for YOU to take control and make of life what YOU want and need it to be, and not just pin your world on someone else.
Set some goals. Education, fitness, work, skills, friends, travel. Break them down into realistic chunks and put dates against them.Start planning. How are you going to get there? Start doing it. You won’t achieve them all, but you’ll achieve some of them and that’s so powerful.
Because when you do that, when you start to turn your dreams into reality, to realise you’re good enough just as you are, that you don’t NEED someone else to complete you…then, sweetheart, you’ll be even more attractive than you ever knew possible. And you know what, you’ll be the one who gets to decide who is lucky enough to be with you, and they’ll fucking know it.
So, time to get over it, starting now.
Let’s do this.
So I totally fucked myself, and by that I mean I’ve listened to Cal’s Curse a couple times. I already found asking for permission incredibly hot, but it would have been nice to not have to ask EVERY time. What am I going to do when faced with vanilla partners? I haven’t had an orgasm in over a week. I’m desperate for attention. And now I’m completely and totally fucked. So thanks.
Okay, so Cals Curse (a hypno audio that programs you to need to ask to cum) can be very effective for some (others, not so much) but nothing like that is permanent. You’re listening to a recording of someone you don’t know, and while it’s hot and effective, there just isn’t the emotional and mental connection to make something like that last forever.
If you do hypno with a partner though, and they really know what they are doing, you genuinely can have long lasting, even permanent effects. To the extent I know responsible hypno doms putting in a ‘if I die this ceases’ clause in their scripts!
However, Cals Curse, nope. Nothing to worry about. Enjoy the impact, because it’s only temporary and you have nothing to worry about. You can keep topping it up by listening to it, or let it fade. Either way, if that vanilla partner comes along with whom you wanna fuck, and cum, then that emotional connection will soon override any impact of the hypno.
If you want it to, of course.
I find it more likely, and certainly hotter, that you’ll find yourself creeping back to listen to it, again, and again, faking your orgasms as you edge on their cock or fingers, weeping with frustration and more aroused than you ever knew was possible.
‘I always cry when I cum’ you’ll tell them.
And they’ll believe you.
You are so fucked.
Hi James…I’m a bit frustrated at the moment and I was wondering if you could help me. My new dom is wonderfully kinky and we have a great, loving and kink filled relationship but he doesn’t want to fuck my ass or go down on me and I really miss both of those things :( I have tried talking to him about it but he is from a country where both things are considered repulsive and isn’t willing to consider changing. What should I do?
Well this is actually quite a complex situation and I do feel for you. Cultural and religious norms are really deep rooted and can take a long time to overcome.
The anal sex one is more forgivable, you can understand the taboos on that. The oral sex one though, that’s patriarchal bullshit, to be honest. Most world religions condone oral sex, although Islam is a bit mixed on it. The bible actively encourages it (check out the Song of Songs). So ‘not going down on their wives’ is really just a legacy of lazy ass male ancestors who want to cum and run, without getting their beards sticky.
So I suggest you hold off on the anal side first, as that’s more complicated, and try tackling the oral sex first.
I’m going to assume he’s more than happy for you to suck his dick till the universe explodes, so let’s try tackling it on an issue of ‘fairness’. Sit him down and be honest about how much you miss oral sex. Make it clear you totally understand where he’s coming from, but add that it just doesn’t seem fair that he’ll have you go down on him, and not reciprocate.
Then, ask, ‘is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to try?’ Suggest shaving, waxing, trimming and the fact you’d shower right beforehand and be super squeaky clean.
If he still shows no room for compromise, I’m not sure there’s much more you can do. You could try the same conversation while you’re edging him, it works wonders at getting anyone trying new stuff as it hugely lowers inhibitions. But you need to be somewhat careful with it as you don’t want him feeling disgusted in the middle of sex play, so be cautious and try and read how he’s responding.
69′s MIGHT be a good way to explore it, try one lying on your sides. If you’re expertly sucking his dick then you’re going to be associating wonderful feeling with his face buried in your snatch – we really are simple creatures, a few of those and he’ll get into it soon enough.
Don’t expect success straight away, but don’t give up. If it’s a loving relationship where you’re wanting the best for each other, and this really matters to you, then I’d really hope to see compromise emerge. And once he gets over the inherited dislike of it, he’ll discover how insanely hot it is to give you such intimate pleasure.
Quickly on the anal side, same kind of approach.If you’ve had success with oral then anal exploration will have a good foundation to build on. ‘You didn’t think you’d like going down on me and now look at you…’
I’d say you should suggest a middle ground like you being plugged, or fucking your ass with a dildo. Then try some anal porn as you edge him, talk about how hot it makes you, see if he warms up to the idea. What can be very powerful for a dom is the idea of ‘owning’ all of you, all your holes. Appeal at the emotional level with that as well as the ‘it feels so fucking good’ angle and you might have more success.
I hope that helps, tricky stuff, thanks for opening up about it.
Is it really shitty that I’ve not lost my virginity yet? Im 18 and i feel like the biggest loser and like im never gonna find anyone that thinks im anything special.
No you muppet. It’s not shitty at all, it’s great!
You’re holding out to do it with someone who cares about you. NEVER feel bad about this. It means you have standards and self-control, what are you whining about?
Most people who lose their virginity younger than you (and you’re only just at the average age for the US anyway) tend, in my experience, to have had a pretty crap time of it. A few are lucky enough to have a great time, but mostly it’s a few awkward thrusts, a moan and a ‘was that it?’
You see the biggest problem having sex as a teenage girl, is that you tend to have to do it with teenage guys… (from my own research with friends I’d tend to say lesbians have a better time of it (you might actually get to cum!), and gay guys the worst in terms of first time experiences, but it’s rarely good for anyone).
Teenage guys are really, really bad at sex. They’ve grown up educated by porn, and think that all you need to see is a bare chest and a hard dick to be ready to fuck. They have no idea how to make you cum, or even the concept that you should be cumming long before they even get their penis near your vagina.
You’re lucky if you get this much foreplay…
Now the best thing to redeem that is the two of you are in love, because then it has all the lovely romantic first time shit going on and it turns that few awkward thrusts and a moan into, well loving, awkward thrusts and a moan, which is a bit better.
Meanwhile studies show that having a good first time experience leads to a better sex life later on in life (no shit) as you aren’t having to undo the negative associations in your head each time you get intimate.
Look, I’m really old fashioned when it comes to this stuff, despite all the fantasies on the blog, I’m a big believer that any sex, especially full on intercourse, is best enjoyed in a committed, loving relationship.
Good sex, making love, is so much more than just fucking (whether that’s cocks in you or a girl’s fingers/strap on or even just cumming together, pick whatever definition is appropriate).
Now please don’t think I’m being a downer on sex outside of that context. I totally get the thrill of it, and the pleasure it can bring. I’m just saying I think the best and most fulfilling sex is found with someone you love.
So do not short change yourself just because you feel some nonsense social pressure to lose your cherry, it’s madness. Plus most of the others are lying about it.
My very first experiences denying someone else was with my wife-to-be, when we kind of accidentally stumbled onto teasing and denying each other. We decided it’d be hot to wait till our wedding night to have full intercourse, so we had 18 amazing months driving each other crazy, in the best possible ways.
She went from cute little vanilla English rose to full-blown kinky slut, and I got mad skills in the finger and oral departments. But even more, I got good at getting in her head and turning her on with my words and actions more than just fucking could ever do (and you my dear followers now read the benefit of that…)
It taught us amazing self-control, but beyond that we spent months discovering all the other ways we could give each other pleasure beyond just sticking my dick in her pussy. And it left room for a lot of romance which seems to be so often lacking in early relationships now.
Protip guys, a poem beats a dick pic, every, single, time.
So dear anon, you are anything but a loser, so stop indulging the self-pity. Instead, work on loving yourself some more, accomplishing things you’re proud of, and using edging and denial to do as much as you can to turn yourself into a superstar lover in waiting.
That special someone is out there, be patient, use your time positively, and get out and find ways to meet new people. Virgin or not, love yourself, and you’ll find that special someone is very attracted to that. Then you can be the little fuck monkey you dream about and it’ll be all the better for it.
Always happy to have questions like this, and hear in the notes other people’s opinions!
Let me add the usual warning that safe sex is non-negotiable – contraception and a condom is best. Also, your situation is going to vary. If you had a great first experience, I’m so delighted (tell us about it, it’s always fascinating), if you had a bad one, don’t worry about it, it’s just not that important, it’s mostly some silly social construct perpetuated by the patriarchy anyway, right (feel free to tell us about it too). If you had a horrible first experience(s), and many do, and carry the scars of being forced for example, then again, that does not define you, and you do not have to let it stop you from having great sex in the future. However, it’s going to be harder path for you, and one you’ll need someone to help you with in my experience. So consider googling for a helpine or talk to someone you trust, because your past does not have to define your future. Love, James
Maria, part 1. Dear James, hello. I’ve discovered your blog recently and want to say big thank you to you for your wonderful job here, i’m enjoying it a lot! Im writing in answer to a lady, who feels terrible after orgasms etc. I’m 28 and have never been in relationship. Its actually my bigest dream in the world – to meet someone who will truly want me as a person, cause all the guys i met only wanted sex from me and my heart has been broken for bunch of times.
So i’ve been depressed my whole life about it, but recently i’ve decided i dont want to depend my well being on another person and being single im just enjoying my body, masturbating almost every day reading your blog or else) It feels good and i really wish VV, i believe thats her name, would start to enjoy herself by her own!
Thank you Maria,that’s very helpful!
I am going to try to tackle the whole ‘how to find a guy and a good dom’ topic in much more detail on the gentlemandom.com tumblr I’m still filling out – and everyone’s experience and tips on it are most welcome.
Hey James Here’s a question for your followers as well as you. I’ve been single for… Too long. H/ever I’ve been pretty sexually active. At around August, I decided I’d had enough of the meat market, one night mentality of a lot of the guys I hooked up with. I haven’t had any sort of sexual contact with anyone but me since. Here’s my question: every time I finish playtime, regardless of whether it’s an edge, ruin or orgasm, I feel terrible afterwards. Does this happen to anyone else out?
Well, that’s interesting. I’d not have been surprised if you said it happened when you ruin or orgasm, but the fact it hits you even after you just edge is, in my experience unusual. One of the big benefits of edging is that you don’t get the big emotional come down after playing – which can be super useful if you suffer from guilt or abuse flashbacks, for example, as it really diminishes the impact.
The fact that even with just edges it’s still hitting you so hard suggests to me that something deeper is going on, and probably something quite simple – you feel lonely.
This in my opinion does not mean taking yourself out of the ‘meat market’ was a bad call. I’m a huge fan of monogamous, serious, loving relationships, and think it’s the very best context for any sex or kink to take place. And what tends to happen with one night stands and short term hooks ups is that they act like sticking plasters, covering up the deeper emotional needs that aren’t being fulfilled, which perhaps now you’re having to face – and really hit home after masturbating.
This is not a bad thing though. Putting sticking plasters on a deep wound only makes it worse in the long term. You don’t realise how badly you’re hurting, until your leg drops off…
Singleness is okay. And perhaps now’s an opportunity for you to think on that, and embrace it. I’m not saying rule out relationships, they are amazing and essential parts of many of our lives. But the very best relationships come from when two people, who like themselves, get together and realise they like themselves together even more.
So maybe, VV, make the positive decision to focus on you right now. On developing who you are, and who you want to be, and working out a plan on how to get there. Because that is amazingly attractive in anyone. And the more you decide that you’re good enough, without any one else to prop you up, the more likely it becomes that someone will want to come alongside you and join you in that journey.
And get out there and meet people – not with the intention of finding a partner or even a hook-up, but because you believe in something. Find a cause or community you want to be part of – and who want to know you, not because they might have the chance to fuck you, but because they share something much more interesting in common with you, whatever that might be, music, faith, sport, culture, learning…
And apply that same thinking to your playtimes. Get some new toys, try out some new things, maybe get online and learn some more and figure out just what you are into.
I think once you feel you’ve got more direction, and actively choose to focus on building yourself up, and get out there and meet new people in non-sexual contexts, you’ll find your playtimes take on a life of their own, and become something positive and fun again.
I hope that’s useful, as VV says, if you’ve had a similar experience then we’d love to hear your story too.
James, I need some advice. I’m in my first D/S relationship and recently my dom asked me to lose a bit of weight. I wasn’t happy with my weight anyway so I agreed but I’ve lost 3 stone (I’m now 7 stone 12lbs) which is slightly underweight for my size and more than I intended to lose and he still thinks I need to lose more:( I’ve tried talking to him about it but he just says it’s what he wants. What do you think I should do? -Mo
Hmm, this doesn’t sound good. Firstly, losing three stone, fucking WOW, well done you, that’s so good, you should be very proud of yourself.
So, if you’re at a size that you are happy with, and feel that it’s a safe and healthy weight that you can maintain, then frankly him wanting you to lose more is full-on assholery. Firstly, because he should be making you feel great about how well you’ve done, and secondly, because this is a serious health issue and ‘just what he wants’ doesn’t cut it!
But I’m not one to write people off (unless they don’t use commas apparently) without giving them a chance, so he needs what we officially call, ‘A proper talking to’. This is where all d/s stuff needs putting aside and you need to tell him how good you feel about your weight, how you don’t believe you need to lose any more, and that he needs to support you in this (and stop being a dick).
if you’ve set that out clearly and he STILL keeps pushing you to lose more despite you not wanting to then we’re entering serious red flag territory and you start to need think about whether he’s really looking after your interests and you first, or if he’s really just a selfish A-hole who doesn’t deserve slim little you in the first place.
Hi James, im in a predicament I thought you might enjoy… I’m a slut, I like to please my man at least 2 times a day! My Bestfriend makes fun of this and has now bet me that I can’t go a month without anything sexual, more than kissing on the mouth for more than 3 minutes.. I’m fucked
Wait, wait. So your best friend just cockblocked you from your boyfriend?
Hmm. I’m not sure them ‘making fun’ of this is so innocent. You don’t give me a lot of info to go on but I wouldn’t be surprised if she was jealous, or just sick of you yapping on about how much you fuck him.
But that doesn’t mean you should stop. Look if you have a great sex life with your BF, going from twice a day (which is awesome btw) to nothing for a month could seriously fuck things up. He’s going to think something has gone wrong and be confused and/or pissed off.
If you want a task like that either get him involved in denying you, or even do it secretly, do things with him that don’t make you cum, oral, anal, pretending to cum from fucking before you have, making it focused on him. That will drive you crazy too.
Is there a way males who are thinking about being doms and edging partners could connect with the females who are willing to form a relationship?
Yes, it’s called making friends and dating and you go from there.
My advice would be don’t get into a relationship based on a single kink. Find someone you like and who likes you and explore relationships, D/s, sex, bdsm and denial together as a shared journey. If you focus on the kink and not the person it’s unlikely to end well.
Hey James! Odd logistical question. I’m super duper into orgasm control/denial from a dominance perspective, but my girlfriend isn’t really into it, so we tend to focus on more mutual kinks. With that in mind, would you consider orgasm denial to be a kink or a turn-on for me? Thanks in advance! (Not for answering, but for reading; sometimes it’s just nice to be heard) -E
Well it’s a kink for you if you want to do it but for whatever reason can’t. That person the other day just liked getting off on others being denied, so that’s the line I draw between it being a turn on vs a kink. But that’s true for loads of porn – I’ll watch tentacle porn all day but beyond eating calamari have no desire to get more involved…
As for your own situation, firstly it’s great to focus on the mutual kinks, that’s what relationships are about, loving compromise for the betterment of all. However, denial is pretty easy to sneakily pair up with other things so you can still get your fix and it makes it all better.
Pair it with bondage so you tease and lick and eat her out till she’s going crazy before you make her finish you off while she’s still denied – THEN give her what she’s craving. Or start off a day teasing her telling her you want her as horny as she’s ever been that evening so no cumming till then. Or give her a couple of ruins before a full orgasm and see how she does with that.
Don’t talk about it being denial, just do it, and see how she gets on once you get past a possible conceptual barrier to the real experience. However, it may still be she isn’t into it and that’s just life. But in my experience that’s pretty rare, the mix of feeling so great, mind blowing hormones, intimacy and fun that denial brings is appealing to most people, especially if you let them cum at the end.
Last of all, ask her to deny you. Make it a game, challenge her to see if she can make you beg. Why? Two reasons. Firstly those of us who love denying others often love it ourselves, and second it gives her an insight into why you love it so much and often will make her more receptive once she gets that.