*I wrote this a few days ago, but I’m shy, so…

I’m trying to find the words to describe how I felt when I logged on to tumblr today. It’s so much more than porn to me.

My first tumblr was erotic art. I still follow my favorite blog from that very first tumblr. She talked to me once, and I remember thinking about how that was so cool, I could actually talk to the person who was creating this art.

I started to “like” other things, things I thought I might like to try, things I thought could communicate to my partner what it was I needed. I’ve never been very good at finding porn, so it was amazing to have this tool for communication. I’m the type that will DO the really nasty, dirty thing, but I will never, ever say it out loud. (I’m working on it.)

I started to search for things, anything really. I figured if I found every single type of porn it would somehow give me an idea of whatever this “stuff” was that I was into. Until then I’d been sexually adventurous, with a high sexual drive, but I didn’t really know anything except vanilla sex. I searched everything. One thing led to another and another and I went on this crazy ride of self discovery. I have never fallen more deeply in love with anything in my life, and it changed the course of my dreams.

Sexuality has always fascinated me, but I never realized how much, or how deeply until I started that search. This time it shifted everything for me. My dream has always been to go back to school to become a therapist, but I realized I wanted my focus to be on sexuality. I started learning how to become a sex therapist.

There’s only so much you can actually learn about sexuality here, so I took my research elsewhere. But for MY personal research, for MY sexuality, I stayed here.

I stumbled on this little bubble of tumblrs that all seemed connected somehow, that all posted the kinky type of things I had learned that I was into. (Before tumblr I was terrified to ask my partner to slap me in the face. Terrified.) What I had stumbled into was the BDSM community on tumblr.

I read everything. Absolutely fucking everything. How the hell did these girls know exactly how I felt inside? Maybe they’re just really good writers, maybe I’m just identifying with these emotions because I’m being empathetic maybe, maybe…

I denied being submissive for a while. For as long as I could. Until I just couldn’t anymore. I’m not “just kinky” as much as I wanted to be.

I got a few more tumblrs. I dove a little deeper with each one. Once I even reached out to another member of the community and told her all about my vanilla relationship. She told me I could start over and that it was ok to have these needs. I bought a couple of her books because she was so much like me.

I always thought about writing here. But what was I going to say? I’m a submissive stuck in a vanilla relationship and I can’t leave? There were other submissives who had vanilla partners, but they were with their partners because they loved them. I was just stuck. And it hurt so bad to see everyone have the thing I needed so badly.

Eventually I wrote. I decided to keep a JUNO journal this year. I decided to leave my vanilla relationship. I met my Dom on tumblr. I’m starting my life completely over.

I wouldn’t have known any of this if it weren’t for tumblr.

Obviously there’s more to my story, and this is just a glance at all of the things I’ve gone through in the past 3 years here. But it just has to be said because it’s ending.

Maybe this is good for me. Maybe I need to branch out a little bit instead of staying in this little comfort zone. God knows I spend hours upon hours on this site. But tumblr ending is like a little piece of my life ending. I regret not writing more, not reaching out to the tumblrs, especially the women, who changed my life. So I guess that’s kind of what I’m doing now.

@darkmekare @amysubmits @cherished-property @dwpreturns @instructor144 @fireflyflashes @littlemisssubshine @pleasurewhore (even though those two are gone now) @cynicaldom @female-orgasm-denial @i-could-be-the-walrus @sadisticgames

You all literally helped change my life. Reading your posts made me realize I am submissive, and now I get to live it.

And of course @ombratoire for being the best Dom ever ?

Thank you @doll-in-the-shadows this is just what I’m most sad about when it comes to Tumblr’s changes, the loss of this safe, private space to explore what’s out there, and through that, yourself. 

This is where I think Tumblr are just hugely disconnected from the reality of what has been created here. When they say things like

There are no shortage of sites on the internet that feature adult content.  

That’s true but NONE of them are like Tumblr. Most of them are hardcore, in your face porn videos with little to no community aspect to them, or if they are a community, it’s more of a shark pool than somewhere safe to explore.

With Tumblr the fact it’s got lots of other SFW content means that those who want to take the first steps, and beyond, in exploring their sexuality, gender, preferences, kinkiness, desires etc can do that here.

I think they will be amazed at how many people who would appear to just have vanilla blogs are actually here because they can access the NSFW that’s about to get canned. 

I bet they haven’t taken that into consideration in this decision. They’ll have done some stats looking at how many vanilla blogs follow NFSW ones, but what they don’t realise is a huge number of those are here reading the NSFW content, they just don’t even want to put their head up above the parapet enough by even following a blog like mine. Instead they will search the terms and tags they want to get off to.

That’s why this is going to spell the ultimate demise of Tumblr long term. This was their unique selling proposition – come for the art and memes, stay for the porn. It’s been a wonderful gateway into important, vital areas of life as described so eloquently above. 

What a shame that doorway is about to be slammed shut.

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