Oh here we go, night of the crazies… I’m going to call you Nutbar (for reasons that become obvious later). Nutbar switched to send non-anonymous messages (sometimes), so I’ve just copied them below to make them anonymous. These were all sent without me replying, like someone puked in my inbox, I’m adding my replies now because it helps get rid of the smell.

So, firstly Nutbar, ‘dude’ is just a big fat red flag as the first word of any message. It’s like when the first sentence on a call is ‘Are you the business owner?’ The only way is downhill from here.

As to your accusations that I’m actually taking the time to WRITE fake messages to myself in order to reply, this is my inbox as of now:


That’s right, I have 1,488 messages in my inbox – I get, a lot, of messages. I really don’t need to be sending myself anons, but good to know you do. You know what they say, liars see lies everywhere.


That tooth paste with the sex toy collection seems weird. You gotta get some heart. Chill. Don’t get all freaked out by these messages. I want to help you get girls. And I can do it. Don’t ever post this shit, ok? Nice to meet you. I’m Alex and I know what females like. Message me or some shit. If you’re brave. Are you ?

Well hello ‘Alex’, thanks you for your offer to help me get girls. I worry about it constantly. What DO females like? Do they even like being called ‘females’? I’m not sure they do…


I am slightly freaked out at your messages though, I’ll admit you’re right. If you think the toothpaste is weird, I’m sure it is. Just don’t hurt me.

Are you on painkillers by the way?

Something tells me you have no idea what ANYBODY likes but please, do keep talking…

Does that tit constriction get you off ? It looks so painful. Would you want your balls to look like that? I seriously want to know. And ps: ur a dork pps: I had surgery and am taking pain killers. And I have a lover who lives far away. Follow us but don’t comment on our shit. I am super interested in orgasm denial. Can I send pics and suggestions for this? I don’t want any credit. No way. But I’m kind of wanting to collaborate one way. What do you say, Jimmy?

No, I would not like my balls to look like bound breasts, that would be weird. You may be the first person to seriously want to know that, from anyone. Congrats. Oh no, college humour got there first.


And thank you for oversharing on the medical details, the fact you’re on painkillers does explain some things.

Your lover who lives far away, is that by choice?


Why am I a dork? I mean I probably am. Did you know ‘dork’ means a five toed chicken? See, that’s dorkiness for you. But I don’t think I’m very dorky on this blog. Maybe you have superpowers.

Oh and if you call me Jimmy again I’m going to block you.

Omg Jimmy. I didn’t know you were English. That makes me smile. You need to lighten up though. Ok? But I like your sense of humor – just don’t seem so stiff. I want to make you a few martinis and loosen you up a bit. Ok? I know Ive been sending these both as myself and as anon. I don’t know why. 

No, I have absolutely no idea why either. I have anon’ed it all to save you embarrassment though, aren’t I nice. 

And so that’s a ‘yes’ on the banhammer, good good.

I hate Martini’s. Do you think I’m a woman?

I really want some sweets right now. I love all ur shit over there. My grandfather was born in Manchester – he always gives me good candy.

I’m not sure where this is going, this sounds like the start of a story I really don’t want to hear.

How many painkillers are you taking, just curious?

Are you a female ? Also – hi. ps I got a nutty chocolate bar. It’s delicious

Hmm, it’s not just the chocolate bar that’s nutty. Somehow that’s the perfect last message. I’m guessing you ran out of consciousness right afterwards. You don’t have peanut allergies do you, I hope not.


PS Just to make clear to my followers, I’d never repost an identifiable message if you ask to be anonymous; but send me an anonymous ask (especially with accusations in it) and I’ll do what the fuck I want with it (yes Nutbar, I’m talking to you).

Also, please people, don’t let my crazy inbox put you off sending messages, I get to all I can and if you have sent me some in the past and I haven’t got back to you, now you see why. Don’t let that be a reason not to try again. Some days I can answer lots, others I can’t.

(This isn’t to you Nutbar, you’re on suspended sentence…’Ciao’).

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