You ‘haven’t cum this year’… you know you sent this on 1st January, right? I mean, great, impressive since you ‘hate it’, but that’s only like, a day. You say it like you’re writing in October.
Anyway, in answer to your actual question, I’m not sure what to say. You’re allowed to hate it. This isn’t like conscription where all 18 year old girls have to give their pussies up for training for a year (okay, that’s hot, I’m captioning that soon).
Now if you ACTUALLY mean you hate it… but you love it, that’s great, and very normal. Lots of self control experiences have those two diametrically opposed emotions in play (I love being slim but hate not eating my own body weight in cake every day; I love not dying from heart disease but hate having to actually get my arse off my chair and go running).
So yeah, the bittersweet love of denial we can work with, but if you just hate denial… move on and find a kink that you do love! Good girl.
Good girl. (Was that enough constant reassurance?)