This challenge is set as a punishment: I went out and drank around 14 units, and lead on several guys, flirting with them when I had no intention of it going anywhere, and agreeing to go to a club with one guy only to flirt with another. Not for the first time. I’m unlikely to come anyway, but I need to do something about my behaviour, and pain doesn’t work since I’m a masochist. I also thought sending this to you would add an element of humiliation. Do you think this will be enough?
Hmm, well this didn’t end up where I thought it would.
Sweetie, drinking a lot of booze and then baiting guys, especially if you’re by yourself, is a really, really bad idea. You seem to recognise this, as I think you’re saying the denial is a punishment for doing that. But I’m not sure it’s punishment you need.
I can understand the escapism getting smashed gives you, and the sense of being wanted that leading the guys on gives too, but I’m sure you realise how shallow all that is, and not only won’t fix things come the morning, but that level of alcohol can be pretty poisonous, let alone the worse stuff that might happen with the guys when you’re not in control.
So here’s a few suggestions. Try denial, try it as you said, for a couple of weeks. But don’t see it as a punishment. See if you can use it as a ‘time for me’ element of every day. Giving yourself pleasure, enjoying the way it makes you feel all day, contrasting it to the high you get from masochism – a bit of self-exploration and discovery.
But I’d love you to try seeing if you can go without booze for the same period. It might be you’re just a binge drinker and that won’t be too hard, but it may be you’re more reliant on it. Either way, edge instead of drink. Look inside yourself rather than to a bottle to find your escape.
But one more task for you, I’d like you to take one more break in the day, to write a journal. Just some time reflecting on questions like, ‘where am I at right now, what’s got me to this place, where do I want to be, how do I get there’. Really good, powerful questions that we all should ask ourselves. Don’t worry about it being very coherent, just give yourself some time for ‘mindfulness’ as they call it nowadays, and use your denial exploration as an ongoing undercurrent to that process. And let’s see what those couple of weeks might bring about.
Please do feel free to message me too, everything’s confidential (but I’m away this weekend so may take time to reply).
I hope that helps, thank you for writing in, I’m eager to see if my suggestions are useful.
Yours
James