Hey James! So my boyfriend is amazing and we great (vanilla) sex. I remember on one of our first dates that I of course, brought up sex and how I’m super kinky and have several fetishes. He smiled and said he was into that too. But I really don’t think he is! Sex isn’t the first thing on his mind, just being with me is. Which is great, but every time I bring up wanting to try something new it never happens. I can feel my submissive denial slut dreams slipping away, any advice? -Em
Great question, and one that I’m very passionate about helping you solve.
As a man I feel qualified to state that men, especially ones in late teens and early 20′s, no matter how amazing they are, are fundamentally clueless sex-monkeys who have yet to develop any meaningful communication between their brain and their cock.
As such, we will say whatever we think you want to hear to get closer to you, and by closer, I mean fuck.
However, do not give up hope, not at all. The fact he’s generally amazing and great at vanilla sex is about the best start you could possibly hope for.
You see, I’m a big believer in something that’s quite controversial in the BDSM community. We take it completely as natural that a submissive would get ‘trained’ to be a better sub. But suggest that you need to train a dom or domme to get them good at what they do, and it’s somehow seen as totally inappropriate and at odds to all a good kinkster should believe.
That’s fucking ridiculous.
How do you get good at anything? Practise and training, that’s how. This is one of the few areas ‘training’ seen as taboo (and, insanely, in parenting… we teach kids maths for 13 years but mandate zero hours on raising kids. And we wonder why the world is going to hell in a handbasket).
Anyway, rant over, back to my point. Him just ‘being into it’ is not enough. Being dominant is hard work, trust me. Sometimes I get women I’m teaching to try domming someone under my guidance. The end result, almost always, is they end up in tears. Not because they are upset, it’s all very gentle and easy, no, because they all say ‘OMG I HAD NO IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS! And you do this all the time, for me!’
Because domming is really hard, it’s a big responsibility, but also, if you are that way inclined, it’s one of the most wonderful experience you can have and the ultimate privilege to have someone put their trust in you like that. (Plus it comes much more easily if that’s your natural inclination).
Now the fact it’s seen as taboo to ‘train a dom’ is partly your fault. Yes you, subs everywhere. Because you’ve grown up on BDSM porn and erotica and chatting to 50 year old guys who at least pretend to know what they are talking about. And you want all that, ready to go, in poor little ‘dom-to-be’ boyfriend.
That’s not realistic.
It’s particularly skewed because subs, and female subs in particular, tend to mature WAY faster than guys, and dom guys in particular. It’s more about sex than role in my experience. I know a few insanely capable early 20′s dommes. I tend to find male doms don’t really come into their own until late 20′s.
But that timing is without help. That’s in a large part because they have to figure it all out themselves and develop the maturity and character to take that role. But I’m convinced that within a loving relationship, with honest communication, you can really shortcut that process. It requires both of you to agree that’s what you want to try, and commit to training and practising and creating a safe place within the relationship, for both of you. For him to try, and fail, and you to get out of your sub space and give him feedback and encouragement.
THIS IS NOT TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM – don’t even get me started on that bullshit. It’s fed to you by asshole doms who just want you to do what the fuck they say without question, which is usually sending them pics of your boobs that they can jerk their tiny dicks off to.
God I really am ranty today.
‘Topping from the bottom’ is better known as communication. A sub telling her dom what she’d like or needs. This is never a bad thing, unless you are such an insecure asshole that it threatens you. I NEVER mind being told what a sub wants, it’s still entirely my call if she gets it or not. So yeah, get passed that nonsense and start telling him what you want and need.
The bigger issue is you don’t want to, of course you don’t, you want him to psychically know what you’re craving. Is that realistic? Nope, not yet anyway. The time will come where it’s like he can read your thoughts, trust me, I get accused of being psychic all the time. But for now, he needs to know your thoughts in order to learn and become what you want him to be.
But good communication it does require knowing what to practise and input from those who have trodden the path before you. There’s a few good examples of D/s relationships here on Tumblr, but it’s still something I think there’s a dearth of good, basic content on how to explore this journey as a D/s couple.
Teaching couples is something I love to do and have done for over a decade now, but it’s incredibly time intensive. So I am thinking about setting up a Discord chat server, that couples in your situation could both join, to access ideas and share experiences, and get my input on a more constructive, shared basis. So if that’s something you’re interested it (and I’d love to know if there’s demand) then do ping me an email to email@example.com and if there’s enough interest I’ll reply to those emails with maybe a test of the concept.
Also let’s use the notes to recommend good blogs to follow and other resources, and share experiences of what has worked, or hasn’t, for everyone.
Just to sum up and answer the OP’s situation more directly. Em, there’s a number of reasons it ‘just never happens’ so more than just bringing it up, I’d suggest you sit down and have a proper talk about it. Hints in what you say suggest he may not be very naturally dominant (although he sounds lovely) but that doesn’t mean this won’t apply to you. So much of the exploration of D/s is just crazy, hot fun that ANYONE with the slightest kink to them will enjoy. Roleplays, bondage, denial, toys, sado-masochism, it’s all great stuff to explore and see how the different things work for you. Just accept that you’re working from a strong starting point, and don’t keep comparing him to some fantasy dom that doesn’t really exist and I think you’ll soon find some areas to explore together and start down the wonderful D/s journey. And of course, email me as suggested, more than happy to give specific suggestions
I hope that helps