A beautiful submission of deaiswhathecallsme’s denial experience.
Something beautiful happened to me last night and I have to share. My husband and I have been living out our version of the D/s dynamic for a while now, and we have grown and learned much along the way. One thing we both have learned is that I am not always so great at submitting, and giving up control completely. As much as I want to in my heart, the hard wired, in control, never let your guard down me has not allowed for complete submission of myself to my DOM. He has requested and carried out a few “trial periods” of orgasm denial in the past. Now, these periods have never really lasted more than a day. I have complained, and whined about them, and my heart has never been truly willing and ready for this type of control. I would “mostly” comply with his request, never really understanding his true motive or desire for this. I would have this conversations with myself about how “mean” he was being, or how this type of control was selfish, and honestly I have to admit that I would start to resent him a little, and get angry. Angry at him for asking me to give up something so wonderful, so MINE; and angry at me because of how I would react and feel. Here I am trying so hard to be a good sub, and I couldn’t give this to my DOM the way I should.
As time has gone on, I have found myself wanting more and more to let the walls down, to let him in, and finally let go. I think he could sense my progress, and once again decided to try orgasm denial. REALLY try it. As in the past, I accepted his “NO” with some resentment, and started to same conversations in my head with myself. But, this time, I made the decision to truly accept his “NO”, to truly give him what he asked me for- my orgasms, my complete submission, my complete trust in him.
The first day was extremely difficult for me. So, I began asking myself why? Why it is so difficult, after all, I REALLY do want to please this man, to be the best sub I can to him. I began to wonder what he was really asking me for. I decided to start reading and researching on the proper way to be truly submissive, to be truly denied orgasm, and decided I was going to do this all the way, the best way I could, and make him happy. After all, I have learned that the more I give him, the happier I make him, the more he gives me in return. I decided that in addition to the edging he had given me, I would voluntarily edge for him, and submit willingly to regular edging from him. This took things to an entirely new level for me. I admit right here that I have never been in this state in my entire life, nor for this long. The first two days of constant wetness, and unrelenting swollenness were agonizing for me. But, at the same time, I realized, I could not stop thinking about how much I missed him, how much I loved him, and how much I wanted to please him. This was motivation for me to not “cheat” and give in. I had in my head that if I did a good job, and showed him I was truly committed; he would reward me, and give in to my asking for an orgasm. But, he did not. Instead, he edged me a couple of times, and let me pleasure him. His resolve actually turned me on!!!!! It made me WANT to submit to him.
We finally cuddled in bed and he went to sleep. My body pulsed, and ached and I LIKED it. I was proud that I had given my Dom what he requested from me. After a little while of struggling with my burning NEED to release, I relaxed! I began to feel all of my anxiety slip away, all of MY need to be in control leave me. A feeling of peace began to come over me. I began to really think about the way my body was feeling, and how I had no control to stop it. I began to realize that he really wanted me to NEED him all along. He wanted me to trust him, and give him control of my pleasure, to be the source of it. I felt a sense of acceptance then. I accepted that my DOM will give me pleasure as he wants me to have it. I accepted that my body can be in an almost constant state of need for him, that it is ok to soak my panties, and throb for him, and wait patiently for him, I will survive! I accepted that when I agreed to submit to him, that my orgasms were no longer mine, they were his. I have accepted that needing him is what we both want and need, and that I want to need him. I think I have finally let go, and it is beautiful!!!!!!!!!