Tag : failure

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hi james. i had been denying myself since dec 26th with the intention of going for a few weeks. last night, i was edging to porn and ended up finding a vid that aroused me too much that i lost control and ended up cumming. since then, i’ve felt pretty depressed and disappointed with myself. 😔 do you have any tips for overcoming this feeling? thanks. -lucy

Feeling like this is natural when we fail at anything. and with the heightened emotions that come with edging and arousal, it gives you even more of a drop.

But it really doesn’t matter, and this is why the mantra I use is really important.

Cumming is good, not cumming is better

We love orgasms here, they are great, they make you feel wonderful, the average person needs more of them. But you, my lovely followers, are not just the average person. Seriously. 

You, or your primal brain has figured out a higher way, which is that as nice as orgasms are, there’s even more pleasure to be found in delayed gratification, in edging, teasing, mindfucks, submission, being horny and wet. That is even hotter and more exciting than the simple orgasm.

Clever you.

But that doesn’t mean orgasms are bad. They just aren’t the best. But that’s okay! The amazing thing about this, is give it a day and a few edges and you’re back to feeling that denial high and enjoying all denial has for you again. Nothing’s broken, nothing’s lost. You had an orgasm, and they are good. Now, try not having them for even longer, because it’s even better.

Having said that, you can build in hot ways to deal with failure that can help. They just give you ways to deal with the frustration and help you move on. Those can include forcing yourself to have a few ruined orgasms, or a punishment such as pussy smacks or rubbing menthol into yourself. Those aren’t thing we do because we self-hate, but because it helps us move on, and punishments are fucking hot for kinky little bitches like you.

If you need ideas there’s the Wheel of Punishment you can use for inspiration:

Wheel of Denial – Punishment version

Have fun, that’s what it’s all about.


I’m quite upset. I like denying myself but I decided it could be fun to listen to Cal’s curse. Left it on as I slept and the next time I tried to edge, I came. I’ve denied myself for about a month and then I came, and I came again later that day trying to edge again. I’ve successfully edged and denied myself for a whole year before and this thing has gone stupidly wrong and had the exact opposite effect. I don’t wanna cum. ;(

I have to say, that’s the first time I’ve heard that it’s had the opposite effect. Often I’ll get complaints it doesn’t work, but never this. Sorry about that. If you find Cal you can tell him off. 

Oh but wait. Maybe if you find one that encourages orgasms it’ll stop you!

Hi! I wrote in recently about accidentally ruining after five days of edging. Being told I was a good girl made me really happy and stopped me feeling guilty, so thank you! I needed that. It also made me pretty drippy. I’ve been edging four or five times a day since I wrote in, but I’ll spend the next week following your instructions. The thought of clamping my poor nipples while I edge is so hot. Maybe I’ll write in again next week to beg for my orgasm. Thank you for my reward! :D

You’re so welcome! Thank you for the lovely follow up.

While there’s always space from some punishment or at least funishment with orgasm denial it’s really important to me that it’s mostly taken as a very positive, life and sex affirming kink.

Slipping over happens for almost everyone and it’s definitely not something to feel guilty about. The key action that makes it okay is that as soon as you go over you stop rubbing and so ruin the orgasm. 

if you don’t, if you slip over and just keep rubbing well then that does start to merit more punishment. And of course wilfully just cumming is another issue altogether.

That’s not to say sometime I won’t set ridiculously, almost impossible terms just to be mean and give a good old mindfuck. It’s so hot to make a good little perfectionist fail and then punish her for it. Learning to fail gracefully is a very important life skill.

But it sounds like you’re doing great. I look forward to hearing from you soon!


Hey James, so I’m a Daddy and my precious little girl is a very anxious sub. She’s the kind of person who panics and drowns if you mind fuck her, so it’s completely out of the question, which we both don’t appreciate. Deep down she likes it, but in previous times we’ve tried it it got to the point of a panic attack or locking up. She’s really scared of safe wording, she’ll sooner dissociate than use the safe word. I’m running out of characters, so I’ll have to make another ask, hold on.

Anyway, I’ve tried being as helpful as I can, reminded her to safe word, aftercare-ing the shit out of her, but sometimes she won’t accept aftercare, just wants to sit alone. Me telling her to do things freaks her out, especially with denial. She loves denial, but she gets so scared that she’ll fail and somehow disappoint me that she clams up and won’t do it. Any suggestions? PS, we’re both huge fans.

Have you tried making a safeword game? 

Where she gets rewarded for saying them – do it with something simple like tickling. Tie her up, tickle her and then reward her when she says ‘yellow’ for when she’s near what she can stand, tickle her but start vibing her too for instance. But keep going (that’s what we use Yellow for anyway) and then when she uses ‘Red’ for stop tickling you go down on her and make her cum, as another example. 

Tell her how proud you are of her safewording, that you love it when she does because then you can truly dom her and feel good about it knowing she’s safe. You have to reinforced again and again that using a safeword is simply communicating, not failure. If she wont’ use them it inhibits your ability to be the best dom you can be as you always have to hold back.

Do that a few times with a bit of variation and hopefully it’ll unlock her ability to use them more easily.

Beyond that it’s a process of showing her that failing is okay, and part of life and play. Explore setting her impossible tasks, make it clear it’s impossible, just little things that you can add a fun punishment for her failing.

Examples such as standing on one foot, or vibing her and telling her not to cum but making her do it anyway are the first that come to mind.

It’s all a slow process but it does work.

I’ve tried to edge three times today, and given in each time. I just can’t stop myself. How must I be punished?

A day’s no touching for each failure. To be taken every other day, with four edges to be taken daily in the intervening days. A failure on those days will add another day’s no touch.

First day of no touch is very strict. Two pairs of panties, no stimulation allowed at all. You are to watch at least an hour of pornography. Tumblr doesn’t count.

Second day you may spend a total of 20 minutes grinding your mound against the edge of the mattress, with panties on. But no more. You may play with your breasts as much as you want. If you have a butt plug, wear it whenever possible.

Third day of no touch you are to insert a dildo the night before (if you have one) and remain that way for as long as you can (use common sense if it needs to come out). If you manage the whole night you get 100 strokes before removal. No panties the rest of the day, but absolutely no touching.

If you add more no touch days through failing, repeat that cycle.

So yes, you’ll either learn to edge without cumming, or you’ll keep this going until you do.