Anyway, I’ve tried being as helpful as I can, reminded her to safe word, aftercare-ing the shit out of her, but sometimes she won’t accept aftercare, just wants to sit alone. Me telling her to do things freaks her out, especially with denial. She loves denial, but she gets so scared that she’ll fail and somehow disappoint me that she clams up and won’t do it. Any suggestions? PS, we’re both huge fans.

Have you tried making a safeword game? 

Where she gets rewarded for saying them – do it with something simple like tickling. Tie her up, tickle her and then reward her when she says ‘yellow’ for when she’s near what she can stand, tickle her but start vibing her too for instance. But keep going (that’s what we use Yellow for anyway) and then when she uses ‘Red’ for stop tickling you go down on her and make her cum, as another example. 

Tell her how proud you are of her safewording, that you love it when she does because then you can truly dom her and feel good about it knowing she’s safe. You have to reinforced again and again that using a safeword is simply communicating, not failure. If she wont’ use them it inhibits your ability to be the best dom you can be as you always have to hold back.

Do that a few times with a bit of variation and hopefully it’ll unlock her ability to use them more easily.

Beyond that it’s a process of showing her that failing is okay, and part of life and play. Explore setting her impossible tasks, make it clear it’s impossible, just little things that you can add a fun punishment for her failing.

Examples such as standing on one foot, or vibing her and telling her not to cum but making her do it anyway are the first that come to mind.

It’s all a slow process but it does work.

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