Tag : d-s

Much to her surprise it wasn’t the tight corset, or the stockings he’d shredded, or even the constrictive collar that made her feel it. They were all just extras.

It was the unending, aching need between her legs that never let her forget she belonged to him.

Which is exactly why she kept it that way.


Denial Junky Problem #2818

That sinking feeling of disappointment when you’re begging for an orgasm and he actually says yes.

Followed shortly by the fear when you see the smirk on his face and the sadistic gleam in his eyes that tells you you haven’t even begun to truly regret it yet.

I really should learn to be more careful about what I wish for.


Hi. I am a female dom. I was just wondering, is your blog for subs or doms? Would you be interested in messaging doms for advice? Because some of us could use some. Ps, I love your blog.

It’s for everyone! Denial is most often enjoyed by those with a submissive preference but I know dom/mes who love both giving it, and being on the receiving end. Either as a refreshing change from being in charge all the time, but more often because being denied and horny makes them even more dominant and enjoy being kinky more.

So yes, please feel free to message or ask me, I’ll do my best to help.


Hi James. I’m new to D/s, but my submissive isn’t. I feel like she’s expecting me to be a lot like her ex-dominate, and from what she’s told me I feel like I can’t compare to. Any advice for a dom still in training?

What a lovely question, I’m go glad you asked. As far as I’m considered we’re always in training, there are always new things to learn and discover.

So look, first things first, dominant things aside (note the spelling btw), she picked you. She’s seen something in you that she likes, and for whatever reason she’s left that old dom who wasn’t giving her what she needed. This is a good start. So stop comparing.

The first rule of any D/s play or relationship – keep communicating. So tell her how you’re feeling and ask for her help. Just because you’re taking the role of dominant (that’s the only way it’s ever spelt) does not mean you have to take the lead for now. She knows how this works, so get her to show you.

Now she may well have this thing about ‘topping from the bottom’ that bullshit doms tell subs not to do. This is when a sub tries to get stuff to happen they would like – yes I know, doesn’t it sound AWFUL. How DARE THEY?!

I’m being sarcastic. Only idiot doms worry about a sub ‘topping from the bottom’ because they aren’t confident in their own ability or authority to handle what is going on. Any good dom is more than happy to hear whatever a sub has to say (although it’s hot to shut them up too). It’s just COMMUNICATION.

What we then DO with that information is up to me, that’s the dom’s job.

So ask her to help you. Ask her to tell you what she’d like, and then give it a go, together, with her giving you feedback but you trying to take the lead as much as you want, but also asking her for tips as you feel the need. And beyond that, sure do your own research too, or ask others (I’m only a message away). But what works for you both will be unique to you, so read things like Tumblr for inspiration, do some planning, and give it a go. But be aware any plans, just like war, go swiftly to shit as soon as you actually start. 

The real skills you need as a dom are creativity and confidence. And as you build those up, working together, she’ll forget all about that last bloke, I promise.

I hope that helps,


PS Don’t let her cum much at all, keep her edged – works wonders 😉 Oh and also, try interrogating her while edging her, this is hot as fuck. Get her tied down, slowly edge her and think up some questions to ask – and be cool with WHATEVER she says – you’re digging deeper into someone’s hidden thoughts if you do this.

Ask her questions like:

  1. what do I do that turns you on most
  2. what do you wish I’d do more of
  3. tell me some of your earliest fantasies
  4. what do you like me calling you when you’re aroused like this?
  5. should I let you cum (rub her till she says no)
  6. what should I make you do to me?
  7. tell me a fantasy that scares and arouses you
  8. now tell me the one you first thought of but didn’t dare say
  9. when I’m edging you like this how do you wish I’d treat you?
  10. should I let you cum or deny you (tell them to say deny if they don’t, then make them beg to be denied, ‘Please never let me cum’ is even hotter

Give them the reward of your cum for being such a good interrogee. 

(If you do this, store up the info they gave you, keep it secret, keep it safe, do NOT just blurt it out at non-sexual times (very rude). Save it up and use it over time.)

Do you ever switch? Do any of your sub partners ever dom and deny you?

What a great question! I never get truly submissive but that doesn’t mean I don’t switch. I personally think some kind of role switching is really healthy for anyone exploring BDSM. 

Old school kinksters tended to be SO set in their ways, you had to fit in a box (not always literally) and if you didn’t fit their definitions, you were out. I’ve had LOTS of tales of bullshit doms saying ridiculous things like ‘there is no such thing as a switch’ – oh shut up you dinosaur, get your thinking out of the stone age. 

This is 2017 peeps. Your right to be what the hell you want extends all the way through kink and out the other side.

So as I was saying before I started ranting, I tend to think it’s a great thing for anyone to get different perspectives on the BDSM experience, if only to better understand what’s going on in their partner and appreciating them more.

I’ve had subs I’m training try some domming (mostly on a third sub with me guiding them) and they’ve actually burst into tears saying ‘I had NO IDEA HOW HARD THIS WAS!’ And even if that’s all they’ve learnt it really makes everyone appreciate the dynamic more.

So, back to me. I don’t ever go all subby, it’s just not how I’m wired, but I LOVE being tied up occasionally. The loss of control is super hot and seeing them similarly switching it up and taking on the ‘top’ role is such fun.

The reality is, I’m still very in control. It’s just how it works with me. But that makes her feel safe to step into that role. I could stop it all with a word, but I don’t, because it’s fun and hot!

So do I get dommed, no, but I love getting topped from time to time.

Do they deny me though, hell yeah. Why do you think I can write about it with such conviction? I love a bit of denial too. Denial, ruining, post orgasm torture. It is more blessed to give than receive but I’m up for both!

So my dom and I have been dabbling in denial, but I’m only not allowed to orgasm when she’s not around. How do I tell her I want to be denied during sex too? Tonight is the first time in a week I’ve gotten to see her and we’re going to dinner, I want her to play with me and then take me home and fuck me senseless but not be allowed to orgasm the entire time. What do I say?

You’ve just expressed it beautifully! Be brave and tell her. Send her a message with, ‘So I had this idea that got me all excited, maybe we could try it tonight?’

She’ll come back and ask what it was, and then you tell her exactly what you told me. I’m pretty sure she’ll love the idea but if not you’re only saying what you would like, that’s a great thing. Worst case scenario is she saves it for another time.

As much as it may sometimes feel like it, we dom/mes aren’t mind readers, we want and need you to tell us how to make your fantasies and dreams come true.

So be brave, tell her. OR alternatively, you could send her this post. ‘Wow, I love this idea. It totally wasn’t me who asked this, honestly… Can we do it, can we?

Hi James, My boyfriend is very dominant and we’ve been exploring our kinks together. We are in a long distance relationship right now (I’m away at uni), so most of our relationship is over the phone. Lately when we are talking and getting into it, he’s been getting a bit much and overwhelming me and making me feel bad. For example, for “testing” him he said I couldn’t touch for a year. We haven’t really played with denial before, so how do I bring up that it’s overwhelming me? Thanks!

This may sound stupidly simple, but I think it’s all you need to hear. You just tell him. You don’t need safewords, or to make a big drama of it. Stuff like this is simply solved by good communication. 

‘So look, I have to tell you something I’ve been worrying about…’ is a great way to start. If he doesn’t stop everything, give you all his attention and take what you say seriously then he’s on his way to a quick fail for his boyfriend and dom exams.

What’s likely happening is he’s mixing reality and fantasy and doesn’t even mean it, just saying it to thrill you. I do this all the time and it’s a great way to mind fuck your sub. But it only works if you feel confident to feed that back to him.

If you’re worrying about him getting angry then give him a chance to prove you wrong. But if he does get angry or stupid or ignores you we are hitting a big red flag for him domming you I’m afraid. At the very least you need to be pulling back from the submitting side of things until he matures enough to handle that, worst case scenario is he’s not even mature enough for a relationship yet.

However, let’s not prejudge anything, be brave and say how you’re feeling, you can’t expect him to know, he’s not psychic and it’s especially hard long distance. Then see how he reacts and go from there.

The dynamic of a D/s relationship can mean there are times where you feel overwhelmed but it should only be in the context of knowing he’s going to catch you and look after you. It should be very temporary and still feel safe. If you’re feeling bad about it then let’s hope it’s just better communication needed, but if you do communicate and it’s not fixed then something is broken, and it’s NOT YOU. And you can start thinking about some of the other options I’ve discussed above.

I hope that helps, feel free to come back for more advice.

James x

Hi James, you had a question not to long ago about a punishment for a sub, written by another Dom. I looked into it and they have a online Dom/sub relationship. What’s your view on online Dom/sub relationships? And do you know how to obtain one? I’m quite shy but the idea of a Dom/sub relationship has always excited me. Thank you and I absolutely love your blog :) – Rose


Oh gosh, well this is a big one. Online D/s relationships can be great, but they also have particular dangers you need to watch out for.

Let’s start with some positives.

What’s good about online Dom/sub relationships

  • They’re a great way to start to explore D/s safely (if you’re smart about it)
  • You don’t have to reveal your identity before you feel safe to
  • You can do it on your own terms, own time, and just step away from it when you want to (the ultimate safeword)
  • If you’re using chat you get time to think carefully about the words you use, and you get a record of what was said to review later and learn from
  • You have the whole world to explore as a possible source of dominants
  • You can ‘test drive’ a few doms and learn from their different styles and approaches to give you a broader context
  • It can turn into something real and a full long distance relationship – as match.com keeps telling us, 1 in 5 marriages have now met online first.

However… there’s lots of downsides too…

What’s bad about online Dom/sub relationships

  • It’s incredibly hard to find a good dom online.
    A good dom is hard to find, to find one who’s prepared to spend time on you without the benefit of getting his hands on your sweet little ass for real is even harder.
  • They’re usually online for a reason, e.g. they are pretending to be something they’re not, or often they are hiding the fact they are already in a relationship
  • You tend to find ‘horny net geeks’ who act like a dom to get your attention but actually are simply trying to trick girls into being ‘wank fodder’
  • Your sense of safety that you get from not being physically with them leads you to get sloppy about protecting your identity and sending them photos – which true bastards can then use to blackmail you, which is a horrific experience.
  • Most of them will be twice your age – and they are often very good at manipulating you
  • There’s no one good place to find them. Fetlife.com is possibly the least creepy but it still has thousands of ‘horny net geeks’
  • But here’s the really insidious one – it’s much easier to fall for someone online. You don’t really see the ‘real’ them. You only see them at their best, when they feel like being online. They seem much more perfect than they really are, and you confuse the fantasy with reality, and it can really fuck you up as you get caught in an ‘asymmetric’ relationship which almost always ends up in heartbreak
  • And of course you miss out on the physical interaction which is a huge part of the full experience – tying yourself up is fun but just not the same!

One of my biggest pieces of advice is build your own ‘safety net’. Have another person who you keep accountable to – ideally a ‘real life’ friend or failing that a close online friend, who knows what you’re doing, yes, even though it’s online, and who you can tell about. You need regular reality checks.

You may have seen it already but there’s a helpful list called ‘The Acid Test’ which gives you some guidelines:

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a Horny Net Geek or control freak. Real Doms don’t have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

Test #5: “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! Its literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: “Its my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE!

Test #7: Don’t bother with online collars. Don’t make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9 “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10 “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Doms level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

Test #11 Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12 “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a ‘dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!

Test #13 “I don’t need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14 “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you hear a “dom” say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.

Test #15 “I’m Married, my wife can’t know about us” If I have to explain this one too you, you’ve got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe D/s requires complete honesty. You can’t build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16 Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a “dom” that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

I’ve taken that from a much longer exploration of this issue from the Dominant Life blog, I highly recommend you read it all, multiple times (he explains some of the terms too).

So to finish, there are positives and negatives about an online D/s relationship. Some people tend to complete right them off as ‘not real’ but I hugely disagree, they are just different and it may be they suit you really well, especially if you’re at an early stage of just exploring.

Just be careful, okay… I know how strong the desire to be a sub to someone can be, but stay smart, stay safe and trust your instincts.

Plus I’m here for advice if you need it!

Reblogging my previous advice as you lot need to know this stuff! And being denied sometimes makes you more susceptible to the above problems than most.

Stay safe, lovely denial sluts, you’re too wonderful to let some asshole ruin your life.

My Sir told me I am allowed to cum, but only while using a paintbrush on my clit and reading your blog. I told him that I can’t orgasm like that, and he said that “I will just have to keep trying”… I am so fucked.

I would agree with your prognosis.

Good work.