Tag : training-a-dom

hey james my boyfriend is a dom but he’s new to it and inexperienced, like i literally had to tell him what aftercare is. but he really wants to learn more about everything and i want to teach him but i don’t really know where to start. any advice or anything would really be appreciated !

Hey there,

I’m more than happy for him to email me at james@edging.space if he wants some advice. Most of the time I’ve got several couples I’m doing some mentoring with, but I warn you now… be careful what you wish for 😛

Edging is actually a really good starting point for both of you though. It is the gateway drug of kinky shit. It gives him a good taste of what it’s like to control you, but also it opens you up to being bolder sharing what you desire with him.

So try some edging sessions, nice intimate ones, cuddled up where he plays with you, keeps you close, and then he can start asking questions. Good ones include:

  • tell me about your favourite fantasies, share them in detail
  • now tell me about one you’re a bit scared to tell me
  • what would you like me to do to you more, what gets you wet?
  • how often should I let you cum, what should I do instead?
  • where has all this come from do you think, tell me your early memories of these desires
  • should I let you cum for telling me all this? (the only correct answer is ‘no’)
  • show me some porn you love.. and make me cum, I want your orgasm… although, if you want to ask me some questions I’m sure the closer I get the more open I’ll be too…

His part of this is to encourage you, as you open up, to not be surprised or intimidated by ANYTHING, it’s all fantasies for now, anything goes, and the pro-level of this is he takes some of the fantasies and answers you share and tells them back to you, with his own little twists on them. Hearing your deepest, hottest thoughts from his lips is an amazing experience.

But this is the heart of it, talking. We are very lucky to live today, when we’re escaping the bonds of even what being kinky has to look like. There are some basics in terms of safe, sane and consensual to put in place but beyond that, make it your own. It can be anything both of you want it to be and when you’re in a loving relationship it’s not about the destination or perfectly executed scenes, the biggest joy is in the journey and working it all out together and having enormous fun with it.

So focus on the fun, build in denial to accelerate the process a bit and then start out with what you think is hottest, let it come from you rather than just how others do it.

On the whole this is a topic really close to my heart. The struggle of being a submissive and trying to find someone to dom you or get your partner into it. And sadly because there’s so little practical help and a massive supply and demand disparity a lot of subs get drawn into the unsavoury world of online doms where most are just wannabe wankers and fakes who thinks subs are an easy target. 

And it’s often more nefarious than that. It’s so easy to be tricked into being blackmailed with it’s something so intimate and exposing. I get more and more letters from women who’ve gone through that and it breaks my heart.

I better stop or I’ll go on a big rant but I am in the process of drawing up some materials that I think will be really helpful, for individuals and couples – and I’ve just started on a Patreon as a way of maybe letting me put more time into that and turn it into a really strong resource. Those I’ve talked to about it already have basically screamed at me to get on and create it all already so it’s definitely in the works.

Anyway, back to you OP, I hope that’s helpful and if you want some advice just message more here or email me, I’ll see what I can do to help.

James

Hello James! Couples advice greatly appreciated. I finally got up the courage to ask my new husband to get into longer-term denial with me (after he was gone for a weekend and I edged myself crazy to show him how great it could be when he got home). He seems to be into it as well, but the thing with him is how to keep him invested over time. He gets excited in the moment, but its been about a week and I feel like he forgets that we’re doing this together. Any thoughts greatly appreciated. -I

Lots of thoughts! I always love answering question on denial for couples, so thanks for asking. Here’s some keys to how we make it work:

1. Communication

For my wife and I the single biggest help is we have a secret shared Tumblr blog which we both post stuff to. No one else can see it, we grab ideas from tumblr and the web and post them there, make comments on them, add tags such as ‘try this’ or ‘I might be into this’ or ‘Do this to me NOW’

On top of that, we have our own private chat on our phones, that no one else is part of. We use Telegraph, but friends use Viber and that’s good too. Don’t use Whatsapp or something you use for everyone else, or you WILL end up posting something embarrassing to the wrong place. Trust me.

So using that we just send each other little messages during the day, I get her to tell me how horny she is. She also has emojis that say that more subtly which is easier for her to use, although sometimes I’ll make her say it. We’ll send pics to each other, or flag up if we’ve posted to our shared Tumblr. It’s cute, it’s easy and it’s a constant low level of sexiness when the Tumblr is mixed in.

If one of us has been posting things we’ll often review them together in bed on a tablet and either make it happen or plan for it another time, which brings us to:

2. Dedicated Romantic and Sexy Time

We strictly enforce a weekly date night, which we take it in turns to plan. We both love to cook so while we will go out to restaurant sometimes, we tend to enjoy cooking something special for each other. The kids are well trained and disappear off and leave us alone for the evening (not so easy when they are younger) and it’s a good way to build on the communication going on the rest of the week and turn some of our plans into action.

Beyond date nights we’ll plan ‘scenes’ where it’s a specifically kinky thing we’ll do one night, maybe I’ll write a roleplay or we’ll take things that need more sexy time to accomplish and focus on trying it out, or just go back to some of the things we know we love, it doesn’t all have to be new, just variety sometimes keeps it fresh.

Then beyond that, we’ll try and get away for a ‘dirty weekend’ a few times a year, book some nice hotel or cottage and I’ll tend to plan the whole weekend – not that those plans EVER work out exactly as expected, but it’s such fun planning!

So those are some of the strategies we use. Nothing radical in there, just pretty obvious stuff that a lot of couples never get around to doing. And it does take effort, anything does, especially relationships and good sex. So the challenge for him is to really get to grips with how important to you not only denial but all that it leads to, kinky sex, submission, D/s etc. is, and realising it’s part of how he shows his love for you. You in return, will support and nurture him, oh and suck his dick like a pro and be a good little fuck toy. You hope.

I’m actually writing a guide/book/thing around that topic, of helping your partner be a better dom, and got some couples who are using the ideas and giving me feedback. So if you’d both be interested in that then drop me a message and we can chat about it further.

Hope that helps,

James

Archives