Tag : snowflake

Snowflake’s Denial Journal #28 A whole MONTH?

I still don’t know if you’re serious. About a lot of things. I never know if you mean the things you say, or if you’re saying them to turn me on. It’s very confusing. Like, when you told me you couldn’t wait to plug me, and I just brushed it off, thinking that I wouldn’t be doing that for months. Now, a few weeks later…Here I am. If you are serious, I’m just thinking about how fucked that I am that I agreed to it. It’s already been two weeks since I’ve cum, and now you want to add a month to that? I’m torn between being really turned on…And also wondering how absolutely fucked I am. That’s a long time…

It’s still really difficult to try and tell and fantasies, and nearly impossible to tell you the kinkier ones. Besides the fact that it’s embarrassing, I know you’ll make them a reality. As exciting as that is, I’m not quite sure how I would cope with some of it. I’m sure you’ll pry it out of me eventually.

I’m still stupidly horny for most of the day. Going to sleep horny, waking up horny…Sitting around playing video games, soaking through my panties for no apparent reason. It’s a problem that’s probably going to get worse. I guess ‘problem’ is the wrong word…But whatever. One thing I’ve found that has REALLY surprised me…I think I prefer the dildo over the vibrator. I love them both, especially at the same time, but oh my god I think I’m obsessed with the feeling of fucking myself with that dildo. It always hurts a bit at first but then it feels so amazing. It’s to the point where if I start thinking about it, I’ll instantly be horny. I never used to have this issue, so I’m going to blame you for this. Truly turning me into a needy little slut. I didn’t believe you when you first started telling me that, but I sure as hell do now. 🙁

UPDATE: Oh god I just spent the past half an hour fucking myself senseless. At first I was just trying to edge myself but I got so close so fast, and I didn’t want to stop, but I also didn’t want to accidentally slip over again. The only reason why I stopped was because I started getting sore. I’m so horny I don’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t put panties back on, and I can feel myself dripping down my thighs. I want to keep playing with myself but it makes that constant ache even worse. It feels amazing, but there’s no relief. Just on edge, all the time. I’m so wet and desperate right now, but the thought of not cumming for a whole month still turns me on. I don’t know what to do but lay and bed and think about how badly I want to cum, even though I’m not going to. Fun stuff.

Snowflake’s Denial Journal #27 Another Private Journal?

Okay a few things. Is it really ‘private’ if I keep sharing them with you? I just feel like they’re easier to write when I think no one else is going to read them…Then to share them with you 😀 If it’s weird, just tell me. Also, I felt like I maintained a great balance of things today. After you left…I ate, played piano, watched porn, edged, cleaning, edged, about to go study…Then edge again. Lot’s of edging. Very horny. The dildo fucking didn’t help, nor did the orgasming beauties. So thanks for that. Anyways, actual journal time.

I’m so conflicted about what just happened. James had me stuff my pussy with the dildo for the first time, and actually ‘secure’ it with a crotch rope. The last time I stuffed, I got really anxious, so I was nervous about doing this. Actually having it in hurt, while still making me so horny. But, for the most part, it was so uncomfortable. Then, weird conflicting emotions started to set in. At first, I felt like I should be anxious, but I was completely calm. It was a strange feeling as I kept on expecting to feel this huge rush of anxiety, but continued to feel fine. But then my mind started racing with a variety of panic-inducing thoughts, but physically, I still felt normal. My heart didn’t start racing, I didn’t start to feel nauseous, and I didn’t get dizzy. It was almost as if I was forcing myself to be anxious? I was expecting to feel anxious, and actually started to force myself to feel anxious, as that’s the reaction I was expecting. That’s ‘normal’ to me, and not feeling that perplexed me, and made me feel restless. So, in essence, not feeling anxious made me anxious, to some degree.

Afterwards, I felt even more peculiar. I freaked out, grabbed the nearest pair of scissors and sliced through the bootlaces, quickly pulling out the dildo, then the plug, but I didn’t feel some huge sense of relief like I thought I would. In fact, if anything, I felt sad that I was suddenly left so empty. The strangest part was immediately after that. I still felt incredibly horny, however, after what I had just experienced, I didn’t want to put anything near my pussy. It’s like my brain put me on no touch. It’s fucking torture. I’m so undeniably horny, but the thought of edging, or even cumming right now, is a huge turn off. Apparently, it’s not enough of a turn off, as I’m still as horny as ever. I think I’ve reached the point where I’m just horny, no matter what happens. I want to lay in bed and sob for hours. It’s this constant, dull ache, that doesn’t compare to *just* being horny. There have been times in the past where I’ve gotten horny and not done anything, and sure, that’s nice (and evil), but this is different. Edging and then leaving myself like that creates a unique, torturous feeling. That’s made even worse by James’ participation. I know that if I had never contacted him, and had been doing this myself, I would’ve cum today. Hell, I probably would’ve cum days ago. But, having him do this puts such a wonderful twist on the whole situation. I want to cum so badly, but I feel obligated to do as he says. Beyond that, I don’t REALLY want to cum. That’s what makes it the worst. If I were truly miserable, wouldn’t I just leave? Or tell James that I don’t want to do this anymore? But I wouldn’t do that, and I couldn’t ever imagine doing it. Because for some twisted, fucked up reason, I love this.

Watching the compilation of girls orgasming was the most dreadful part. Having to fuck myself while watching them twist and contort their bodies as they took for granted the pleasure I’m being denied… God, even when I looked away, I still had to listen to their moans. It felt like taking a person on a diet to a bakery. Just cruel. The level of self control I had to exert was unbelievable. All I wanted to do was fuck myself as hard and fast as I could, but I knew I would cum if I did that. Especially since every time I slid that dildo in and out of me, I could feel it press against the plug in my ass, shifting it ever so slightly. God, did that feel incredible. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to cum. I don’t think that I had ever felt that so strongly. I would have happily accepted a ruin. I think that was the first time that I really and truly, with every fiber of my being, wanted to be ruined. I’ve craved ruins before, but not like that. If James had allowed me at least that, I would’ve burst into tears, and maybe even a small victory dance. Any kind of relief would have been magnificent…But, I didn’t get that. Instead I was stuffed, and left to vibe my clit – something that nearly pushed me over the edge countless times. It was actually a bit scary, as it felt like I was going from a 5 to a 10 in a matter of seconds. I genuinely thought I would slip over. The last time that happened…My pussy was whipped. But now, sitting here, fully clothed, I’m wishing I had slipped over. A ruin would’ve been worth whatever punishment he decided to give out (but I know that no matter how much I say it, I won’t do it, as my orgasms, ruined or not, belong to him).

Yet, despite all that I’ve said, I STILL don’t want to cum. It’s a vague feeling, but it’s definitely there. It’s also an unfamiliar feeling. Almost as if there’s this part of me that I don’t understand or really even recognize. Some sick masochistic part, that doesn’t want to me to cum. I’m soaking wet, denied, aching, horny, frustrated, but also the happiest I’ve been in quite a long time. 

It feels like there’s this part of me that functions independently from the rest of my body, and it doesn’t want me to cum for a very long time. I love standing up and feeling my mess dripping down my thighs, slowly drying there. The feeling of sliding the plug into my ass is wonderfully pleasurable, even though a lot of that has nothing to do with physical pleasure. Even today, when I wanted to cum more than anything, it wasn’t something I could consider. I love that I’m in a place where cumming without permission isn’t an option; To an extent where I don’t even think about it. I want to beg for permission, and do what I’m told, like a good girl (and ultimately be told ‘no’). I remember how horribly guilty I felt the one time I slipped over, and I don’t want to feel like that again. Especially since I’m sure it would be even worse now. I’m aware that I’m totally contradicting myself, first saying I want to cum more than anything, then saying that I don’t want to cum at all. Though to be fair, that’s exactly how I feel. Two parts of me that feel very differently. Denial is winning (James’ brainwashing – It works! ^-^). He once asked me, “On a scale of 1-100, how badly do you want to cum?” At the time I said 60. Now it’s more like a 30. Even though my body is screaming for it…I want it even less. Strange.

I’m often baffled by how fast this has been moving. How has my state of mind changed so drastically? I never expected anything like this. My need to please James and be a good girl went from literally nothing to a rather persistent feeling. I felt that pretty strongly today, while I was plugged. I didn’t want to take the plug or the dildo out without his permission. It wasn’t a matter of disappointing him. By this point, I know that when I’m feeling truly anxious, he’s not going to get mad if I take action on my own while he’s away. But still, there remained this underlying feeling of that ‘control’, and not wanting to disobey, no matter how logical it was to do so. Obviously I’m not a total idiot, and did end up taking it out anyways, but I stayed bent over my bed, both holes plugged, debating for some time before I was able to come to that decision. I’m not really sure why I felt this way. Maybe because what I was feeling wasn’t really anxiety? I know I described it to James as such, but it was something else, or at the very least, not the kind of anxiety I’m used to feeling (frankly, this is hard to believe, as I have my fair share of experience dealing with panic). There was a need to submit. To do whatever he asked me to. To just give him that control. Still, I’m uneasy feeling this way. Should I be feeling this way? Is it bad? Should I even admit something like this? Lol. I have no idea how I should be feeling, and I spend a lot of timing wondering if this is normal, or if I need to take a step back and slow things down. I mean, I don’t feel like I’m trying to ‘rush’ anything, it’s just kind of happening, and unfortunately, I can’t control the way I feel. 🙁

UPDATE: I did something bad…Which is funny, as I was just discussing how guilty I would feel. I was edging with my vibe on high, and stupidly enough, decided to try and see how long I could ride the edge. Well…I felt myself getting close for the millionth time, so I pulled the vibe away. I then proceeded to have the lamest ruined orgasm anyone has ever had. It was so mellow I wasn’t even sure it was a ruin. The only thing that confirmed it was when I put the vibe back on my clit and went into full spasm mode. I don’t feel guilty, but I do feel stupid. I swear to fuck, there was no pleasure. It was just slowly slipping over the edge, and that was it. There was no relief, not even for a second. There wasn’t a moment where I felt devestated, or less horny. NOTHING CHANGED. It’s like I didn’t even ruin. But, I did slip over. Now I’m really frustrated as I’m still just as horny as I was before…And now I have to endure whatever the fuck you make me do. I can already tell you it wasn’t worth it. I’m actually kind of pissed. Fucking lamest ruin of all time. Well, I was going to pull out my dildo and go fuck myself again…But it would be REALLY bad if I slipped over twice in one night. So, I guess I should change my panties, seeming as how I made a huge mess in them. Sorry for going over 🙁 It was an accident. Please don’t be too mean to me…And at least take comfort in knowing you missed literally nothing exciting?! Sorry again… Maybe I need to be supervised when using my vibe. Lol. Kidding. Kay.

Snowflake’s Denial Journal #26 Two Journals? Madness!

Okay, I want to apologize for posting so much in one night. This was originally a private journal, but I’m feeling kind of brave, and decided I’m okay with posting. Don’t get too excited, it’s definitely one of the ‘lighter’ ones…As in it doesn’t contain my deepest darkest secrets. Lol. BUT, I thought you might enjoy, and if not, I guess you can skim it and pretend like you read it. 🙂 Oh, sorry it’s long. My private journals tend to stretch on a bit longer than the Tumblr ones. Once again, sorry.

It’s hard to believe it’s been over a month since I sent James that first e-mail. I feel like there’s so much I want to say, but haven’t been able to, simply because I don’t know how to verbalize what I’ve been feeling. He’s shown me so much that I never anticipated experiencing, and over such a short period of time as well! Thus far it’s been an incredible experience, though quite a draining one (maybe I really do need to eat more.) There are days when I wake up, slip my hand down into my panties, start edging, and wonder how much longer I’ll want to do this. But, day after day, I’m still craving it just as much as yesterday. That’s a bit of an understatement – I’m usually craving it more than I was yesterday.

I’m not really sure what day of denial I’m on, but I’m starting to feel stupidly horny again. Earlier today, I was simply sitting around, feeling perfectly normal. Then, I remembered when I first got my toys. That dildo felt SO good sliding in and out of me, and god, I wanted to cum so badly, but I just couldn’t. This was made even hotter when I was pleading to be allowed to stop, and James still said ‘no’. This thought alone was enough to send me into perpetual horniness again. Ready to do anything to earn that orgasm. Unfortunately, someone wasn’t here, so I had to settle for edging. Even now, recalling that, I’m desperately wanting to stop writing this, slip my hands down, and bring myself to the edge over and over again, not daring to go over it (though if I do, maybe he’ll turn my bottom bright pink again…Yum).

Even though I haven’t edged for hours, I want to cum so badly. It’s all I can think about. I want to beg him for hours, with hopes that he’ll allow me to relieve this delicious aching. Still, even more than the desire to cum, I want him to say no. I want him to say it because when I’m like this, I don’t have the willpower to say no to myself, despite the fact that I prefer to be kept like this – a dripping denial slut. Hearing James say ‘no’ leaves me in such precious agony. I’m angry, and confused…Miserably horny. Usually, all I’m able to think about is how much I want it, and how mean he is for not giving it to me. But deep down, I don’t want that. Deep down, I know that I like myself better like this, even if I can’t see that all the time.

I think I’ve always known why I love the butt plug so much, I just haven’t been willing to admit it. It’s incredibly sexy to have a constant reminder that I’m his little dripping denial slut. No one around me knows it’s there, even though it’s impacting me so deeply. I guess it’s my sexy little secret (plus, when I had to slip that vibe inside myself with the plug in…It felt so good..). It’s gotten to the point where I miss it when it’s gone. It’s not just the plug, either. There’s this small burst of disappointment when I pull down my pants and see my butt isn’t as bruised as it was yesterday. Or when the final snap marks of ‘slut’ faded from my stomach. Even when my wrists stop burning from pulling on the restraints, or when my clit finally stops throbbing after a really intense edge. Despite how intensely I may have disliked these things in the moment, as soon as they’re gone, I want them back.

All of this, especially denial, has contributed to this greater feeling of giving James control. Like he said (or at least brought up) I felt this a lot more while kneeling on the floor, barely covered, with a vibrator relentlessly teasing me. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, he still said ‘no’. While this was hot, I was also truly desperate to escape the situation, so why didn’t I just leave? Why didn’t I just end the call? It’s a thought that’s so obsolete, I didn’t even consider it. I realized that James really does hold some level of control over me. Granted, it’s not complete control, in fact, no where near it, but it’s a start. And yes, it is so fucking hot. Something that I’ve fantasized about for years, but it’s also crippling in some aspects. A lot of this has to do with my anxiety. I want to control the situation, down to the smallest, most insignificant details, in an effort to keep myself calm. When I lose that control, I panic. So, it’s scary to be willingly giving that up to someone. To trust another person so completely seems like a huge mountain to conquer. On the other hand, as James said, it’s quite the relief. The thought of not having to worry about it, even if it’s only for an hour or two, is such a huge weight off my chest. It’s an incredible feeling to have him react to it in such a ‘different’ way. Most people either respond with some level of anger, misunderstanding, or pity. Usually all three. He doesn’t do that. In fact, he kind of dwarfs it. Before I met him, I felt that it was almost an unconquerable thing. Something that had forever shaped who I am, and what I’ll be able to do. But, James has changed that, quite drastically, actually. Of course I’m not cured over night, but it seems like a much more manageable issue now.

On a bit more of a conflicting note, I’m not really sure how much ‘real life’ bullshit I should be divulging to him.  Does he really need/want to know? I just have no idea. I don’t know how to define parameters like that. This kind of ‘relationship’ or rather, dynamic, is VERY new to me, and I’m not sure how to treat it. Sure, James told me that it’s based on friendship, but it’s obvious that this is a very unique friendship. Well, I’ll figure that out eventually.

Ultimately, I’m loving this. All of it. Even the things I think I hate but secretly love. My body is screaming at me, telling me how badly it wants to cum, but in reality, I want to cum very sparingly. Only when James lets me. I swear, it’s like my brain is torturing itself right now – Every orgasm I’ve ever had on replay in my head. With every one, my pussy clenches a bit tighter, gets a bit wetter…A little more desperate, a tad more miserable. Yet, I’m smiling, so perfectly content with the organized chaos that seems to be my body and mind these days. Finally, I have a confession, something that I haven’t even wanted to admit to myself. I’m hoping beyond all hope that James makes my denial longer than the three weeks I previously endured. I don’t have a specific number in mind (I certainly don’t want to go anywhere near Diva’s 100 days) but I want to keep hearing no. I know I’ll cum eventually, but I want to be kept like this for a while. Now that I’ve been allowed to cum once (twice) I know how much I’ll miss this ache once he finally says yes. I never thought I would be in a place like this when I sent that email…But here I am. So fucking naive. Lol.

Snowflake’s Denial Journal #25 Something a bit different

Not much in the way of denial today, besides being as horny as ever. I did end up hooking up my old computer and reading very old conversations, and I thought instead of writing nothing, I would write about that, as I found some of it interesting.

I didn’t really remember much of it, but it was so weird reading it. I’ve changed SO much. I was so much more confident, blurting out SO many fantasies without the slightest hint of humility. A huge fucking tease, so sure that everything I was doing/saying was bound to turn this guy on. I forgot that I used to be like this, and it’s quite shocking to me. I thought I was always really self conscious and introverted, but apparently not. It was obvious that I was already into BDSM, but I wasn’t just being all submissive. I guess you could say I was putting up a fight, or being really bratty. Which then reminded me that I used to have a lot of fantasies revolving around being told to shut the fuck up and essentially being ‘put in my place’.

Apparently I’ve been into denial for much longer than I realized. Even though I was only 14-15 around the time, I divulged a little fantasy of being taken to the edge over and over again, until I’m begging and crying to stop. While tied up, of course (bondage was already a pretty big kink at this point…)

Scrolling forward a bit to when I was 16…It was incredible how utterly comfortable, calm, and complacent I was. I discovered that I actually lied to you when I told you I had never put anything up my ass. I don’t really remember this, but based off conversation logs, I guess he convinced me to get a finger up there. Lol. Anyways. Reading back through all that was a great reminder of where I want to get to with you, and that I am actually capable of doing it. I didn’t hesitate to tell him anything, to the point where I was actually cringing reading some of it, horrified at the things I admitted. There was no part of my body I wasn’t willing to show, and very little I wouldn’t do, no matter how exposed it left me.

It’s left me wondering what happened between then and now. It seems like I used to be so much more open, confident, and comfortable with myself, and somewhere down the line, that went away. So, I went looking for hot fantasies (which I found…Damn, I used to be so creative) but ended up realizing that I’ve changed a lot, and not in a way I enjoy.

Sorry there’s not much denial in here…I just thought that was a tad bit interesting. Oh, but I did leave my vibe in my panties on high for a while earlier. That was nice…But it left me as horny as ever. 🙁

Snowflake’s Denial Journal #23 I’m really mad at myself

And no, I didn’t cum. I want nothing more than to gush about how much fun I just had on cam, but I can’t, as I would be lying. In reality, I was extremely anxious, and I hate the fact that I felt that way. This was such a huge turn on, and I adored every second of it. Despite that, I still felt so anxious – Almost to the point where I would say I was panicking.

First of all, I really hope you’re not mad that I didn’t tell you. I’m sure you would’ve wanted me to, but I’m hoping that you can try to understand that doing that is very abnormal to me. I hardly ever tell a person that I’m anxious when in the middle of said anxiety.  So, I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to withhold things that you need to know… I just don’t know how to say it. I’m not comfortable saying it. Especially in the middle of something like that. I know there’s no way for you to know unless I tell you. 

I can’t even begin to describe how bad I feel, or how sorry I am that this is happening. I want nothing more to just be able to enjoy this, but sometimes that’s really hard for me. I start to feel anxious during any situation which my brain can construe as feeling ‘trapped’ and unfortunately, being on a call, and on cam is one of those things. Despite the fact that I was anxious, I was still SO turned on, and it was incredibly frustrating not being able to fully enjoy it. 

Moving on to a less depressing subject… Today was SO hot. Spanked twice (yes, my bottom is bruised, and I love it) and every second of it was great. Granted, it would’ve been nicer if a special someone could’ve done it…But still, fantastic. By the time Diva had me spanking myself, I wanted each one to hurt more than the last. At first it just burned, then it left me with this delicious tingly feeling, and a pink bottom. Oh god, but with the clamps on my nipples, and the vibe on my clit, and a stinging bottom, I don’t know how I managed to not cum. Oh, but when she denied me even a ruin…I was so crushed. That’s the first time I’ve been able to ride such a hard edge. Granted, it was only two minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Just laying there, breathing steadily, not daring to move a single muscle in my body, for fear that the slightest shift would push me over that edge. And GOD I wanted to cum so badly. As soon as she said ‘stop’ I pulled the vibe away, despite how much I wanted it. This was something that puzzled me a few weeks ago, but not so much anymore. I want to do what I’m told. I want to be a good girl. But, like you said today, even though my body wants to come, my mind wants to be denied. When we first started, I liked to hear no, as it was hot, but now, I never want to hear yes.

Fucking myself in the shower was a new experience, and definitely a hot one. The suction cup dildo was a very good investment, but so was the plug. I still don’t understand why that makes me ridiculously horny…Anyways. The shower was great. Soaking wet (In more than one way) finding the various places I could ‘suction’ it on to fuck myself with. All while knowing my mom was in the next room, practically biting through my lip trying to keep quiet. Yes, it was very hot.

And finally, it wouldn’t be a complete journal if I only bitched about the hottest thing I did all day. Let’s for a second pretend like I don’t have anxiety, and everything was peachy with camming. Okay? K. It was so fucking great. First, cleaning while knowing you were watching (or maybe not?) was so hot. I was so much more aware of everything I was doing, and what I was wearing…I only wish I could’ve worn the heels with it. But after the cleaning was done, and we got to the playing, I felt so, completely controlled. Down on the floor, hands behind my back, still wearing that stupid maid outfit, tits falling out half the time, moaning and begging in desperation. It was probably one of the hottest things you’ve had me do so far. God and being ignored. I haven’t yet decided if it was a good or bad thing that you’ve discovered this is such a huge kink of mine. Seems it’s going to get me in trouble. Anyways, I loved every second of it. You telling me how to sit, where to put my hands, what to say, it was all so hot. I’m not sure what I loved the most. It was so sexy knowing that I was down on the floor with you watching (or maybe not). I don’t know if I liked it better when you were ignoring me or paying attention to me. Either way, I adored every second of that, and I’m very eager to do it again. Even thinking about it now is getting me all hot and bothered, though that’s to be expected after you and Diva had some fun today. Thanks for that, I really missed being endlessly horny and frustrated.

Snowflake’s Denial Journal #24 What a cam slut!

What a perfect end to my night. I was pretty bummed yesterday when my anxiety killed an experience that could’ve been really fun. But, not anymore! Everything you had me do was so great. I was never completely calm, but my anxiety was at a very manageable level. Obviously…3 hour call. Lol. Being cuffed to my bed with a vibe on my clit, knowing you were watching was insanely hot. The limited movement made everything so much more intense. At some point it went from struggling simply because it was hot to struggling because that fucking vibe was relentless, and I wanted to cum. I was actually kind of worried about trying that. I thought that being cuffed would add to the feeling of being trapped, and therefore add to my anxiety. But, telling me that I could take off the cuffs and take a little break if I needed to alleviated a lot of that. I know that it may detract from the whole idea of submission, but having a “way out” is very comforting, even if I don’t use it. I know that you’ve brought up a similar concept involved safe words, but I feel like using a safe word has a much heavier implication. Moving on.

Clearly, I’m not comfortable doing everything on cam. Thankfully, that’s just me being shy, and not being anxious. 🙂 Despite that shyness, I still had loads of fun. Spanking myself on cam was amazing. Honestly, I know you think I was trying to get in trouble with my comments, but I wasn’t. That just made it better, though… Snaps really hurt. In case you were wondering, I can still see the ‘L’ in slut. When I said I accidentally snapped on my clit, I meant it. I shifted awkwardly or something, and ended up snapping my exposed clit. That hurt. A lot. Soo why did it turn me on so much?

I forgot to talk about having these journals put up on your blog. It’s not bad, but it’s so odd. I remember reading Diva’s little ‘entry’ and the exact feelings it created. It’s quite the mind fuck to now be on the other side of the fence. Disregarding what you say, I refuse to believe people are actually getting off to it. It’s still strange to think about random people casually reading something that means so much to me.

So, taking a step back from that three person dynamic. I feel a bit bad, as I know how it could be seen as a bit disappointing. I definitely want to continue exploring. I love playing with Diva, and just talking to her in general. She’s great fun. 🙂 But, it’s such an overwhelming thing. I’m still adjusting to denial with you, and learning all these new things. Suddenly another person is added in and it just makes my anxiety shoot through the roof. So yeah, hopefully we can just go a bit slower with that…Like, maybe not *every* day.

I’m starting to get back to that place where I’m unbelievably horny for no reason. It’s still wonderfully frustrating. I’m still loving the plug, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why. It’s driving me nuts, lol. I love it, and I crave it, but there’s no logical thoughts behind it. It’s just a feeling. I should probably get used to just accepting these things, instead of trying to explain them all. >_>

Snowflake’s Denial Journal #21 Are you ready for this truth?

This is generally something I would put in my ‘private’ journal, but after I told Diva, she advised me to tell you (maybe she already told you, I don’t know.) I’ve been a bit worried about something since we’ve started this, though thankfully, it’s become less and less of a concern. Basically, I’ve always been troubled over the fact that I’m not horny enough. I don’t (usually) want to lay in bed ALL day and edge myself. I still want to get up and play piano, study Korean, mod that stupid fucking chatroom…Talk to friends, play games, etc. I almost felt bad about this, as it seemed like it was ‘wrong’ to want anything but denial. Looking at it now, I feel less worried, as I refuse to feel bad about wanting an actual life. Lol. Also, during that first three week denial, I didn’t realize how horny I actually was. It just built up gradually, but looking at it now, I can see that I was WAY hornier than I usually am. Like, insanely. I woke up and fell asleep horny as all fuck. However, during a time like right now, when I’ve just cum a few days ago, I don’t feel that way. Honestly, from the time I wake up to whenever you go to sleep, I’m really horny. After you leave, I’m still somewhat horny, but that’s also the time I take to kind of ‘wind down’. I think about whatever happened earlier, and I do the things that I would’ve done before I became your little denial slut.

As a whole, even during a time like this when I’ve only been denied a few days, I’m still way hornier than I ever was before I started getting into denial. Before I sent that email, I would sometimes go an entire month without cumming, just because I never felt like it. So, going from that to edging every day has been quite the change, and I’m still adjusting. I don’t want denial to feel like a ‘task’. I’m having so much fun, and enjoying myself so immensely with everything that we do, and as soon as it starts to become really stresssful, that fun is taken away – That’s not what I want out of this. I feel a lot better finally saying this, but I’m still a bit worried that you’ll tell me that I’m a horrible denial slut, and my cunt should constantly be leaking. Maybe that’s just not me. Or maybe you should just keep me denied for another 20 or 30 days, to achieve the desired affect. 🙂

Anyways, that bullshit aside, I had so much fun today! I’m loving sharing this experience with Diva. She’s as wonderful as ever. Heh, it’s also nice having someone who’s happy to deny me when you’re gone. 🙂 But fuck, when she made me ‘grind’ off the clamps on the side of my bed…That hurt. A lot (so why did I love it so much?). I’m really glad you’ve given her permission to deny me. Earlier, when I was begging, I was pretty sure that she didn’t have permission to ruin me, and it was harder to beg when I knew there was no chance. Well, now it’s a different game, isn’t it?

I definitely saw a new side to her, though. I think that’s the first time I’ve really seen her beg. Telling her what to do was…very strange for me. While we were playing Cards Against Humanity, it seemed like light hearted fun, and I really enjoyed it. Very entertaining. But after that, it was just comfortable. It didn’t feel right, telling her what to do. The things she was saying and the way she was acting was REALLY hot, but like I told you, it just didn’t turn me on. I would’ve much preferred to be on the receiving end (not really, as I’m still pretty reserved regarding stuffing, but you get the point).

I’m really pissed that I got my period early. But it’s also a bit of a relief (I’M NOT PREGNANT! Jokes. Lol). Yesterday, after you “got your claws out,” like I said, it kind of shook me up. What I didn’t say was that I bursted into tears for a good hour. I thought I was crazy. But no, just crazy with hormones. So yeah, quite a relief. But besides explaining my over emotional bullshit, it’s really pissing me off. However, I did just have the idea of breaking in that maids outfit while plugged tomorrow? 😡 Perhaps I shouldn’t say something like that when I’m not entirely sure if I want to do it yet.

The idea of letting Diva watch me ruin was both exciting and VERY nerve wracking. I’ve only gotten on cam with you once, and even that was quite the bundle of anxiety. I’m not really sure if I’m eager to add in another person, especially because I assume you would be present as well. I imagine that would be a very anxiety-ridden situation for me, and I’m not really sure if I would even be able to edge like that. So, it’s a very hot idea, but maybe we can stash it away for a bit later?

When I emailed you, I never imagined we would be doing a lot of things that we’ve already done, but least of all this. I mean, it wasn’t even a fantasy that you would introduce me to one of your subs. It wasn’t even a thought. But, I’m really glad you did. Diva is great, and I feel like we’re getting along okay, and becoming a bit more comfortable (I hope the feeling is mutual? If not, this is awkward). It’s been very different, and I’m still figuring out how what to say, and how to act, but it’s fun. The one thing that I’m really unsure of is where all of this is going. When you first offered to introduce us, I really thought we would only talk once or time. That impression stuck for a while. That’s obviously not the case, but I’m not sure what to expect from here on out. Is this something you plan on continuing for a while? The whole ‘three person dynamic.’ Or something you plan on using when you want to add a little bit of extra fun? Is it going to be the new norm or a something on the side? (Is it going to crash and burn? Kidding, again.) I just have no idea what to anticipate. It is something I would appreciate some clarity on, because I have no idea.

Okay, I think that’s about it. I tried to make it extra long to make up for yesterday! Hopefully Diva kept that plug in all night… 🙂

Snowflake’s Denial Journal #20 Amazing fun!

And for the first time it wasn’t you’re doing. In a grand sense I suppose it is, but lets not make that distinction. Doing ‘that’ with Diva today was fantastic, both while you were there, and after you left. In my opinion, she seemed to do perfectly fine without you there – Well enough to get me soaking wet and ruined (without freaking out afterwards!).

Unfortunately, I pissed her off shortly after we started. She assured me it wasn’t my fault, but I got stuck with the infamous 3:1 pattern anyways. I’ll let her tell you what made her so mad, assuming you haven’t heard about it already. It’s okay, we both already know that I love people being mean to me.

Really though, throughout the entire thing she was great. I had SO much fun. Of course the things she had me do were greatly amusing (and pleasuring…) but even after she ruined me, she was very careful to make sure I was still okay and happy. Even encouraging me to get food. 🙂 So sweet.

I was a bit nervous as first as well…She’s not you. Granted, it’s not like you know me inside and out, but you do know me much better than Diva. Once you were gone, I was nervous about what might happen, but a few minutes in, all that melted away.

It really was quite the strange experience, though. It’s very obvious who she’s been learning from (FYI you’re both tormenting, teasing dicks) but she puts her own spin on things as well. The things she says, and has me do feels familiar, but then she does something I’m not expecting in the slightest and it’s a huge mind fuck. I guess I was just adjusting to your ‘ways’ and now you throw her in and it’s quite the different experience. But, I love that. I love the two different experiences that are offered. How it’s similar, but also strikingly different. It’s amazing how different it actually feels. Obviously she’s not a 40 year old man, and you’re not a …18-19 (? Not really sure, lol) girl. So, at least in my mind, it creates this different atmosphere, and I find I’m enjoying both immensely.

The group chat was pretty kinky…Pretty hot. Let me tell you, that was definitely a first for me. But really, I cannot handle both of you at the same time. >.< WAY too horny. It’s quite rude to gang up on someone like that. Overall, great experience, wonderful day…Really eager to try it again. Still super horny because well….Ruin + plug + no touch (at least until I edge myself tonight via grinding) is driving me NUTS. DID YOU TELL HER TO DO THIS? If you did I’m going to slap you. Either that, or she’s just as intuitive as you are. Or maybe she took a shot in the dark. Either way, I’m going crazy, so I think she did a pretty good job. 🙂

PS: Discovered that wearing a butt plug while having to clean the house with my mom is really naughty in the worst way. 😀

Snowflake’s Denial Journal #19 Fast delivery

Yeah…I got a package. Sadly, the heels aren’t here yet. They’re being shipped by UPS and will be here soon. I hope. So, it must have taken me 2 hours to try all of this on. All the straps. Everywhere. Holes where there shouldn’t be holes. It was such a sexy nightmare. I love all of it, though. There are a few things that don’t fit perfectly, but nothing bad enough to send back. I really wasn’t going to take any pictures tonight, but I’m weak. The maid costume was a total bitch to put on, so if that’s what you were going for, good job.

Talking to Diva today was great. Hopefully she didn’t think I was some huge creep. ^-^ It was a lot easier, and a bit more comfortable. I really do think she could be a great person to talk to. Honestly, I’ve been talking a bit to one of my friends about it (one of the friends who used to receive a LOT of pictures from me…) and while that’s nice, and it’s nice to be able to talk to someone I’m so comfortable with, I have to omit a lot while talking to him. I don’t think he would stop talking to me, but I know he’s not a super ‘kinky’ person, and a lot of what I’m doing right now would come off as weird. So…I guess I am kind of hoping that Diva and I can get along. BUT maybe we won’t and she hates me and I’m still pretty insecure. Sorry. Anyways.

Talking to her a bit more about her whole ‘alpha sub’ thing just reinforced the fantasy, lol. It sounds like such a hot idea, and I would love to try it…And well, if I don’t get to, we’ll both just know that I’m thinking about it. 😛 

When you brought up taping a vibe to my clit and leaving my hands cuffed, I think I died a little on the inside. Did I at some point tell you that was a huge fantasy, or were you just taking a stab in the dark? Either way, I love the idea. However, I’m kind of scared telling you that, as I know you’ll actually have me do it. >.<

Besides that, I guess I’m kind of at a loss now. It’s strange. It’s been what, almost a month? Now I have toys shoved under my bed, and too much lingerie stored in my closet, and all I can think about is what you’re going to have me do next. It’s almost alarming to have everything change so quickly, especially when you’re a person who claims to hate change. But alas, here I am, and I couldn’t be happier. Hm, enjoy the outfits (despite the shit quality of the photos) and maybe I’ll pull out another one tomorrow. ^-^

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