Tag : safewords

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how would you safe word if you were tied up and gagged? my bf and i have a physical “”safe word”” (pinching each other) for if were gagged and not tied up and an actual safe word for just being tied up but as we get more kinky were just wary to do it without having a safe word :/

Let’s let my favourite psycho scientist answer for me:

Really though, that tends to be best, jazz hands or ‘flashing’ your hands by closing and opening them repeatedly.

If you’re completely immobile and your hands are incapacitated then you can agree a single, or three loud sounds gets him to stop and ask if you’re safewording.

In that kind of bound and gagged scenario the dom should be really on high alert the whole time and checking in with you a lot anyway. For that kind of intense scene I do like the ‘green’ word too, which is a POSITIVE check in from him every so often… 

e.g. Leans in and strokes your hair as your bottom recovers from a sound beating, and whispers, ‘Green?’ lovingly into your ear, and through the tears you nod to let him know it’s all good. Kinda thing.

hello and happy friday! a quick question for you, my bf and i are going to try orgasm control and denial for the first time this weekend. he has some concerns (since he is new to kink) about how he should respond during sexy times when i ask for permission to cum. do you have any suggestions or key phrases that you use?


Yeah that about sums it up 🙂

Okay but really, this is where safewords come in really handy. Discuss beforehand that if you really, really NEED to cum you will use a safeword, yellow, or red, or pineapple or whatever. And if you don’t say that, he’s to not let you.

I know that feels a bit forced but it’s actually a huge relief to a dom in training to have the certainty. 

For bonus points he needs to tease you with it. Pretend he’s thinking about it, say things like maybe he’ll let you, suggest maybe he’ll ruin your orgasm instead.

But ultimately, let’s keep this black and white as a first exploration, you are NOT going to cum unless you safeword.

Once you both actually try that, and you both see how ridiculously hot it is, he’ll better understand why it’s a good thing for him to choose in the future.

If he adds to it that he’s ‘taking your orgasm’ and gets you to suck him off or fucks you, that’ll drive you completely bananas in the best way possible.

Also, get him reading this while you suck his cock:


And if you really want to go crazy, read this to him while he’s gently edging you:


You’re so fucked.


denial for couples

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Hi James, I’ve been exploring orgasm control with my s/o for a couple weeks now and I love it. But there are times when I need to put my mental health first and have to use my safeword and take a break. How can I stop feeling so guilty when I use my safeword? It’s not because I’m afraid of disappointing my partner. I know that he understands and I talk to him about how I feel. It’s more that I’m disappointed in myself and that only makes me feel worse. Do you have any advice for me?

Hi anon, great question.

The first thing is to talk about it, more. I know you do. But you can’t hear enough him saying ‘it’s okay’. 

But here’s the next level that I think will help to. For him to say ‘I want you to safeword’ and you both begin an activity where the actual objective is to get you to do it. 


Well with denial it’s usually quite easy. Either using the gentler approach of edging you until you safeword out, or, more quickly, using post orgasm torture (POT) until you do it. 

http://edging.space/tagged/pot/chrono – you may regret your dom ever reading that, just FYI…

This POT is especially effective, and beginning a scene with him saying something like, ‘So, after I make you cum, or if I’m feeling mean, ruining you, I’m going to put this vibe/my fingers/mouth back on you and torture your clit until you scream ‘Red’ babygirl – just so you learn it’s okay to use it and I’m always happy if you do. I will never be cross with you for safewording, and you need to learn that, okay?’

If you do that a few times, knowing he actually wants you to do it, and learning it’s safe and okay to use your safewords, then it gets you past the misconception that they are something bad and disappointing.

A good dom WANTS to know you’ll use a safeword when you need to, it’s part of an important safety protocol that makes sure we’re looking after you. If that part of it isn’t working then we’re skating on thin ice. 

As such, if I’m helping someone new and taking them into areas where safewords are of use then when I check with them what we’re using (red and yellow are my preference) I’ll also tell them I plan to deliberately see if they’ll use them when they should. Even this changes the dynamic as you’re always thinking ‘Oh maybe he’s testing if I should safeword now, so that’s okay, I’ll use it).

And at some point soon after that I will push them hard, ideally getting them to a ‘yellow’ point they say themselves, and if they don’t, I’ll stop things and ask why not and we’ll discuss them again. It’s all part of getting them used to the fact that a safeword is NOT a failure of any kind, it’s a direct form of communication that’s vital in Ds play to make sure it’s safe, sane and consensual. 

I hope that some of the above tips will help you feel that too.


Hey! A few days ago, I got punished and I had to use my safeword for the first time ever. I still feel bad about it now and it happened like 5 days ago. I feel weak because I didn’t last through the punishment. But it was just too much in that moment. Should I feel bad or is it okay to use it even during a punishment? (Sorry for my bad English btw)

1. Your English is good.

2. It’s more than okay, it’s great. I’m proud of you for doing it, I know it can be hard, but it’s SO important you feel you can use them whenever, in any situation. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a punishment or just teasing or even simply a mindfuck. Any good dom wants you to use safewords whenever you feel it’s getting close to too much for you or has crossed any kind of line where you don’t feel good or safe any more.

Punishment time is definitely included, and that’s because EVERYTHING you do in a D/s relationship has to be covered by it being consensual – the whole premise of someone else being dominant and you being submissive to them means that a safeword should be in place and usable in all situations. You wouldn’t be punished you weren’t in the D/s context, that’s the reason it’s happening, so consent and thus safewords absolutely apply.

So definitely chat to your dom about it but I can assure you, you did good!


Hi James my long distance boyfriend moved closer and now we see each other all the time. I’m kinda into denial but my boyfriend got super serious super fast and it’s too much. We were having sex and he tied a vibe to my leg ( this is tmi sorry ) and it was too much like I’m into a certain level but I begged him to stop and used our safe word and he just wouldn’t stop and I actually feel really shitty about it. Sorry I really don’t know what to do

It’s not TMI at all, and it’s great you can ask questions like this.

So look, this isn’t good. And if he were an experienced dom I’d be spitting teeth and telling you dispatch his ass out the airlock. But he’s not. It sounds like he’s just got carried away and doesn’t realise just how important safewords are to making any kinky stuff work and be safe and consensual.

So you need to sit him down, tell him how you’re feeling and absolutely do not let him shrug it off. You need to make it clear he is NEVER allowed to do that again, it’s a huge betrayal of trust and he needs to know how serious this is.

But if you can do that, and think he’s got it, then I encourage you to forgive him, and move on, and let it be a learning experience for you both. 

Hi. My sub has anxiety, but we’re thinking about exploring some more intricate bondage and things that would cause her to panic. She wants to take her medication beforehand, but I’m a little on edge about it. I don’t want to take advantage of her. However, there’s no way she would be able to handle being tied up further than what we already do without it. Do you have any thoughts or advice? Thank you!

Hi there. I’m no expert on the medication side, but there are a few things that I’ve found help when domming a sub with anxiety. 

First is to really up your game with safewords. I tend to add a couple to our usual yellow (don’t stop but I’m near what I can handle) and red (stop, and let’s talk).

So the first we add is ‘green’ which is just acknowledging you want that extra reassurance things are good with her, it’s a little moment taken out of the ‘scene’ you’re in where you can check or she can reassure you it’s going well – as simple as ‘Green?’ from you and ‘Green’ and a nod from her.

The other is something I came up with although I’m sure others do it – ‘purple’ (pick whatever you want). The point of it is it’s for her to use when she starts to feel anxiety or a panic attack coming on.

Now why is this important, why not just use ‘yellow’ or ‘red’? Because the way you decide to handle an anxiety attack may be different from how you handle her having had enough of what you’re doing.

I’m a very strong believer in the theory that anxiety and panic attacks are a self-reinforcing ‘trick’ that your mind is playing on you. It’s beautifully described here:


That means, as the famous quote states ‘the only thing we have to fear is fear itself’ and actually if we carefully and lovingly face that fear we can disempower it and the hold it has over a life.

As a dom I’ve found I can use the force of my will with a sub to help her push into a fear or anxiety to a point where they discover there’s really nothing to be scared of, to come through the other side. It rarely happens all at once, it’s more little adventures to the dark side, until you realise it’s not so dark as you thought it was.

This is why a safeword just for their anxiety or fear is so powerful, because it lets us push into it together with them having a single word to tell me they’re starting to panic. But it’s NOT to stop it (we have yellow or red for that), it’s to acknowledge that it’s happening, but that it’s okay, that you want to keep going. Her knowing that you know makes the world of difference in her being able to cope. 

You don’t escape anxiety by running away from it, you beat it by discovering there was nothing to worry about – and a safe loving environment where you’re being looked after by someone you trust is a perfect place to explore that.

All that aside, if you’re looking to try bondage make sure you have good safety shears ready to go assuming you’re using rope. Her getting anxious and wanting to get out is going to require that happening fast, and you’ll just have to go into it prepared to sacrifice the rope without thought as taking ages to get her out is not a good plan (she’s beyond where it’s helpful at that point). Personally I’d be sticking with quick release velcro restraints all the way but if you’re using ‘intricate’ to describe it then I’m guessing that isn’t what you’re after.

I hope that’s useful,


To anyone suffering from worry or anxiety can I again highly recommend the site I mentioned above, I think it really nails the whole thing and gives a very powerful way to deal with it – find out more at http://www.anxietycoach.com

Hey James, so I’m a Daddy and my precious little girl is a very anxious sub. She’s the kind of person who panics and drowns if you mind fuck her, so it’s completely out of the question, which we both don’t appreciate. Deep down she likes it, but in previous times we’ve tried it it got to the point of a panic attack or locking up. She’s really scared of safe wording, she’ll sooner dissociate than use the safe word. I’m running out of characters, so I’ll have to make another ask, hold on.

Anyway, I’ve tried being as helpful as I can, reminded her to safe word, aftercare-ing the shit out of her, but sometimes she won’t accept aftercare, just wants to sit alone. Me telling her to do things freaks her out, especially with denial. She loves denial, but she gets so scared that she’ll fail and somehow disappoint me that she clams up and won’t do it. Any suggestions? PS, we’re both huge fans.

Have you tried making a safeword game? 

Where she gets rewarded for saying them – do it with something simple like tickling. Tie her up, tickle her and then reward her when she says ‘yellow’ for when she’s near what she can stand, tickle her but start vibing her too for instance. But keep going (that’s what we use Yellow for anyway) and then when she uses ‘Red’ for stop tickling you go down on her and make her cum, as another example. 

Tell her how proud you are of her safewording, that you love it when she does because then you can truly dom her and feel good about it knowing she’s safe. You have to reinforced again and again that using a safeword is simply communicating, not failure. If she wont’ use them it inhibits your ability to be the best dom you can be as you always have to hold back.

Do that a few times with a bit of variation and hopefully it’ll unlock her ability to use them more easily.

Beyond that it’s a process of showing her that failing is okay, and part of life and play. Explore setting her impossible tasks, make it clear it’s impossible, just little things that you can add a fun punishment for her failing.

Examples such as standing on one foot, or vibing her and telling her not to cum but making her do it anyway are the first that come to mind.

It’s all a slow process but it does work.

I safe worded out when I was having sex with my boyfriend because I felt really uncomfortable and he was hurting my nipples but he didn’t stop? He said he was caught up in the moment and didn’t think I meant it. Should I be mad? It hurt like hell

Okay so assume I’ve done the rant about safewords must be respected and not to is a big abuse of trust, etc, etc – because that’s all true and very important. 

But, sometimes, we fuck up. It sounds like he fucked up. To say ‘he didn’t think you meant it’ though is complete bullshit. That’s exactly what safewords are there to eliminate – any lack of clarity if you mean it or not. The safeword ALWAYS means it!

So, should you be mad? If he can’t admit he fucked up and continues to make excuses, yes, you can get mad. However if once you talk to him, he can say sorry, and realise he fucked up – well I’d move on.

But have no doubt, this is a serious first strike offence. And I’m not sure I have more than two strikes before someone’s out on this kind of shit. SO yeah, consider him warned!

I have a partner. hes been slow on the draw of safewords in the past, which Ive been okay with but Ive noticed most of the time. Last week, though, Im not sure if he missed it or just ignored it. But he didn’t stop and I feel… what do I do?

Talk to him, as soon as you can! You need to be clear and understand what happened. Was it an accident… does he think you’re using it too early or too much? Whatever it is, it’s a breach of trust to ignore it so you need to talk and get that sorted.

But, how often are you actually having to use safewords? In my opinion they should be pretty rare, it’s the doms job to learn from each one so they can better manage scenes as time goes on. Occasionally I’ll push someone to use it because I know it’s what they need but that’s very seldom. 

And when you do use it, it has to be responded to immediately, for safety’s sake if nothing else.

This is why i like to use the yellow and red combo, because yellow is there to just flag up you’re close, so they can ideally not get to red. If you are using both, well red should happen virtually never.

So yes, safe, sane and consensual relies on safewords being agreed and respected, don’t shirk talking about it, you both need to be clear about what’s going on.