Hi. My sub has anxiety, but we’re thinking about exploring some more intricate bondage and things that would cause her to panic. She wants to take her medication beforehand, but I’m a little on edge about it. I don’t want to take advantage of her. However, there’s no way she would be able to handle being tied up further than what we already do without it. Do you have any thoughts or advice? Thank you!
Posted on: May 17, 2017 /
Hi there. I’m no expert on the medication side, but there are a few things that I’ve found help when domming a sub with anxiety.
First is to really up your game with safewords. I tend to add a couple to our usual yellow (don’t stop but I’m near what I can handle) and red (stop, and let’s talk).
So the first we add is ‘green’ which is just acknowledging you want that extra reassurance things are good with her, it’s a little moment taken out of the ‘scene’ you’re in where you can check or she can reassure you it’s going well – as simple as ‘Green?’ from you and ‘Green’ and a nod from her.
The other is something I came up with although I’m sure others do it – ‘purple’ (pick whatever you want). The point of it is it’s for her to use when she starts to feel anxiety or a panic attack coming on.
Now why is this important, why not just use ‘yellow’ or ‘red’? Because the way you decide to handle an anxiety attack may be different from how you handle her having had enough of what you’re doing.
I’m a very strong believer in the theory that anxiety and panic attacks are a self-reinforcing ‘trick’ that your mind is playing on you. It’s beautifully described here:
That means, as the famous quote states ‘the only thing we have to fear is fear itself’ and actually if we carefully and lovingly face that fear we can disempower it and the hold it has over a life.
As a dom I’ve found I can use the force of my will with a sub to help her push into a fear or anxiety to a point where they discover there’s really nothing to be scared of, to come through the other side. It rarely happens all at once, it’s more little adventures to the dark side, until you realise it’s not so dark as you thought it was.
This is why a safeword just for their anxiety or fear is so powerful, because it lets us push into it together with them having a single word to tell me they’re starting to panic. But it’s NOT to stop it (we have yellow or red for that), it’s to acknowledge that it’s happening, but that it’s okay, that you want to keep going. Her knowing that you know makes the world of difference in her being able to cope.
You don’t escape anxiety by running away from it, you beat it by discovering there was nothing to worry about – and a safe loving environment where you’re being looked after by someone you trust is a perfect place to explore that.
All that aside, if you’re looking to try bondage make sure you have good safety shears ready to go assuming you’re using rope. Her getting anxious and wanting to get out is going to require that happening fast, and you’ll just have to go into it prepared to sacrifice the rope without thought as taking ages to get her out is not a good plan (she’s beyond where it’s helpful at that point). Personally I’d be sticking with quick release velcro restraints all the way but if you’re using ‘intricate’ to describe it then I’m guessing that isn’t what you’re after.
I hope that’s useful,
To anyone suffering from worry or anxiety can I again highly recommend the site I mentioned above, I think it really nails the whole thing and gives a very powerful way to deal with it – find out more at http://www.anxietycoach.com