Tag : pot

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Hi James, I’ve been exploring orgasm control with my s/o for a couple weeks now and I love it. But there are times when I need to put my mental health first and have to use my safeword and take a break. How can I stop feeling so guilty when I use my safeword? It’s not because I’m afraid of disappointing my partner. I know that he understands and I talk to him about how I feel. It’s more that I’m disappointed in myself and that only makes me feel worse. Do you have any advice for me?

Hi anon, great question.

The first thing is to talk about it, more. I know you do. But you can’t hear enough him saying ‘it’s okay’. 

But here’s the next level that I think will help to. For him to say ‘I want you to safeword’ and you both begin an activity where the actual objective is to get you to do it. 


Well with denial it’s usually quite easy. Either using the gentler approach of edging you until you safeword out, or, more quickly, using post orgasm torture (POT) until you do it. 

http://edging.space/tagged/pot/chrono – you may regret your dom ever reading that, just FYI…

This POT is especially effective, and beginning a scene with him saying something like, ‘So, after I make you cum, or if I’m feeling mean, ruining you, I’m going to put this vibe/my fingers/mouth back on you and torture your clit until you scream ‘Red’ babygirl – just so you learn it’s okay to use it and I’m always happy if you do. I will never be cross with you for safewording, and you need to learn that, okay?’

If you do that a few times, knowing he actually wants you to do it, and learning it’s safe and okay to use your safewords, then it gets you past the misconception that they are something bad and disappointing.

A good dom WANTS to know you’ll use a safeword when you need to, it’s part of an important safety protocol that makes sure we’re looking after you. If that part of it isn’t working then we’re skating on thin ice. 

As such, if I’m helping someone new and taking them into areas where safewords are of use then when I check with them what we’re using (red and yellow are my preference) I’ll also tell them I plan to deliberately see if they’ll use them when they should. Even this changes the dynamic as you’re always thinking ‘Oh maybe he’s testing if I should safeword now, so that’s okay, I’ll use it).

And at some point soon after that I will push them hard, ideally getting them to a ‘yellow’ point they say themselves, and if they don’t, I’ll stop things and ask why not and we’ll discuss them again. It’s all part of getting them used to the fact that a safeword is NOT a failure of any kind, it’s a direct form of communication that’s vital in Ds play to make sure it’s safe, sane and consensual. 

I hope that some of the above tips will help you feel that too.


hi james i’m stephanie and i’ve been denied for 3 months now and i’ve been on strict edging every day with an exceptionally no touch for a week every month along with sleeping with a dildo in every other night, and my master is allowing me to cum but only if i get permission from you. please may i cum? i’ve been such a good girl! master even said if i am allowed to cum he’ll have fun with post orgasm torture with me so pleaaassseeee may i cum please?

Hi Stephanie,

Sounds like you have totally earned an orgasm. That tends to make me want to say ‘no’ because it’s usually what you want to hear, but…

…if he’s really going to POT you then yes, you can cum.

Enjoy, and then, don’t enjoy, and then scream for it to stop, and then when it does, want more…

Good girl

How is it possible to ‘hold an edge’ with continuous stimulation? I see many blog posts (and a few videos) where girls are made to hold the edge while maybe, having a vibrator pressed against them or something along that line. I can’t seem to quite understand how that works though (or at least I can’t hold an edge like how it seems to be described, I just tip over immediately).

Some seem to find it much easier than others. For many though, with some practise, you’ll find there is a zone of super heightened arousal where you know just a bit more pressure or speed would take you over, however you’re just able to handle what you’re doing and stay on the edge.

Others find they can get to that point, but then have to drop back, so for them ‘riding the edge’ is more about bouncing up and down to it. And that’s fine, but if you can reach and stay on that pinnacle it’s something pretty special.

So again, practise is one of the two keys. Have some time where you’re not to bothered if you go over, as in, it’s fine, you’re focused on learning to ride the edge rather than fixedly wanting to not cum. if you go over, that’s life. You can’t expect to learn how to keep on the edge of something without sometimes falling over. If you can, make it a ruin, it’ll keep you horny and help you get back to the edging faster. What you’re not allowed to do is feel guilty. This is about learning, and having fun.

The other key is BREATHING. Stop holding your breath! You need to be using slow steady breathing to ‘exhale the pleasure’. Trust me, it just works. You will almost always have cum with a big breath taken in or holding your breath. Work on edging while keeping your breath more calm and measured and you’ll be amazed how it can stop you from tipping over.

Finally, with both of the above, I seem to see a ‘mental fortitude’ develop over time where you just become more confident in your body and the strength with which you want to not cum. Don’t underestimate the power of that. It’ll build up by doing the two things above but also, just going for it sometimes with a powerful vibrator and realising just how much mental control you have of the process too. Best done with a friend, who will hold the vibe on you even if you go over to post orgasm torture you as a punishment if you fail.

Yep, fucked up, but hot as hell too. And fun, lots and lots of fun.

I hope some of those help. I encourage followers to add their thoughts and experiences of riding the edge in the notes.


Hi James! I recently introduced my husband to orgasm denial and he’s been really receptive and it’s been great so far. He’s been denying me for a few weeks and said that I’d get to cum soon. The problem is that I love being denied and I don’t think I want to cum. Should I just be thankful that he’s denied me this far, or should I ask him to keep going with it? Any advice?

Lovely to hear from a couple as always. This is genuinely a tricky one, as orgasms are fabulous, just not quite having them is even better. But also there’s a real joy in giving someone an orgasm we don’t want to deny him.

If you’re really brave (or stupid), you could suggest he reads my very popular post on Post Orgasm Torture for women. That would be a new take on it for both of you. 

Alternatively, ask him to mind fuck you, tell him you want to be ruined, that you want your orgasms to be ruined ones, to keep you horny and desperate. But I warn you, it’s strangely addictive, ruining someone’s orgasm, he may find he prefers it. Be careful what you wish for…

How long (or how many) does it take for forced orgasms to start becoming tortuous? I’ve never had the opportunity to be in a situation to figure it out for myself, but I think I might be in the future… ;)

About five to seven SECONDS in most cases! With a vibe on there you get hyper sensitive REALLY fast. You just unconciously back off when you’re doing it normally, but deliberately keeping the stimulation going gets tortuous really damn fast.

So, I was inspired by your game for the girl who has gone 272 days without an orgasm (quite impressive of her) and have decided to do something similar to my sub. She gets extremely turned on by orgasm denial (her last being her birthday 2 months ago) and I was going to let her cum on Valentine’s day, but after (both of us) seeing the post and game, she wants to try and go longer, with more edges per day. She always was the competitive one. That post is definitely a favorite!

So, I always like to try and confound a sub’s expectations just to keep them on their toes. So personally in your case I’d pretend to be going along with the long denial period as you play with her (tie her up, trust me) for Valentine’s, but then I’d start pushing her closer and closer, telling her she can’t cum, she isn’t to cum, making her fight it harder than she ever has.

Then I’d say, ‘if you go over I’m not going to stop, I’m going to keep on rubbing your super sensitive clit while you scream and writhe, I’m going to torture your disobedient little cunt for as long as you can handle it and then keep going even as you lose it, little slut.’

And then yes, unless her begging can change my mind (very rare) I’d take her over and give her a full on post orgasm torture experience.

It’ll be a Valentine’s she’ll never forget.