Tag : orgasms

Hey James! So I have a really weird question. I’m really into the idea of denial and usually edge myself, but I want to try it with my boyfriend. The problem is I can’t orgasm. I can do it myself, but I’ve never been able to during activities with someone else. I’ve been faking it forever. So, my question is, is it even denial if I don’t/can’t orgasm anyway? Because, I feel like I could never have the full experience :/

Hi anon,

You’ve got a few options here. If you can cum by yourself but just not with a partner then it’s usually a case of practising being more relaxed with them, communicating about where you’re at, and teaching them what works for you.

Being more relaxed can be as simple as having a drink or two before you get it on, alcohol is an extraordinarily effective emotional lubricant (not more than that though, you barely want to be tipsy, let alone anything more). It is also of course about just feeling comfortable, sexy and horny – all of which can be helped by edging yourself beforehand. 

In terms of communication the simplest one is ‘playing a game’ where they have to try to keep you on the edge. well that’s what you tell them anyway. It’s actually about them learning to make you cum, but we don’t tell them that. Use a scale of one to ten where ten is cumming, and have them rub, lick and vibe you as you tell them what number you’re on. The game is to keep you at nine for as long as possible, but also, to finally cum, for now at least.

And then in terms of teaching, it’s about showing them what works, using their hands, mouths, and toys. Do NOT expect to cum from being fucked. Only about 30% of women ever do, and if you make that your goal right now you’ll be disappointed. Get cumming from the above sorted and then you can move onto that.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT, you might decide you prefer the fucked up denial slut path. Because it absolutely IS edging and denial if you can’t cum anyway. You’ll have just the same impact of getting horny and needy and all the benefits we know flow from that.

Just you make it a determined choice. You fake it, on purpose, because it drives you so crazy to be pretending to cum just so you are denied. You channel your lust and desperation into their orgasms. You choose to be denied.

And not just by them. No more cumming by your own hand either.

Make it a choice, be denied. And watch what happens…

I know which I’d pick for you.

James

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James, i had the best orgasm of my life last week when i used a vibrator on my clit instead of just using my fingers! All this time i thought i had been cumming and i was really just getting to the edge and stopping! Now that ive achieved this orgasm should i carry on Cumming should i go back to being a good girl and edging? ~emily

Oh Emily, that’s a tricky one. 

Down one path we have the world where you cum your fucking brains out for weeks trying to make up for all the denial you’ve inadvertently put yourself through since you first even touched yourself.

But on the other side is the twisted dark path where you’ve cum once, so you know how good it is, and you decide to edge your brains out, in full knowledge of what you’re missing. You might even stop using the vibe, just to make sure you’re a good girl…

Which way, Emily, which way?

Hey there, I have never been able to have an orgasm during sex before, but rather feel satisfied with the act itself. Ironically, all I would care about when I would play with myself was getting a bunch of orgasms in. Now, having tried denial(although I haven’t been able to edge recently really[I keep accidentally cumming]), it is awesome and makes me playtime more fun and difficult. Even talked to my boy about it and we may be adding it to our play. Love your blog!

Thank you! It’s definitely worth adding in, and can I suggest if he’s up for it, try it for BOTH of you, even if it’s playing in the morning, neither of you cumming, and then delighting in how horny and attentive it makes you both all day until you both, or he, cums that evening. It’ll win him over AND give him a better understanding of WHY this crazy idea is so hot.

Not cumming during sex is very common, if we’re talking about the actual fucking part. Only about 30% of women report that being enough to make them cum, and yes, despite not cumming it can be very satisfying. 

BUT, if we put aside the denial part for a bit and see ‘sex’ as more than just the penetration, then you should be cumming as part of the experience. My personal rule when we aren’t practising denial, is pretty much always ‘she cums first’. My wife will have usually had 2-3 orgasms before I even put my cock in her. It makes her happy, horny and feeling very connected, and also means she’s more likely to actually cum from being fucked (as long as you’ve kept up the pace and don’t let her slip off the ‘orgasmic plateau’ as it’s called.

So as well as exploring denial, which obviously is great, I do encourage you both to try that too, Whether it’s with his fingers, mouth or toys, try you cumming first when you’re making love, it’s as positive experience as bringing edging and denial to the bedroom in my opinion. 

James

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Is cumming bad?

No, cumming is good. We LOVE orgasms here.

But… NOT cumming is even better.

Cumming just gives you a few seconds of pleasure, but edging, edging is like cumming, forever. It makes you feel so good, so horny, so alive. Plus, if you get the timing right (and that varies from person to person) it makes your orgasms EVEN better!

Hi James, I thought I’d ask your advice on the fact that even though I love edging, sometimes I do it so much that when it comes to ruining or actually cumming I can’t go over? It’s not a mental thing, I can feel it comig and then it just kind of fizzles and isn’t the same as a real orgasm. Should I take a break or is there something I can do to make sure I feel it properly?

This isn’t uncommon. I put it down to your body just getting used to edges and ruins if you’re having those too. It’s nothing to worry about. 

Just push through, give yourself a few ‘fizzles’ and they’ll start to feel better and better, and normally after a few they’ll be feeling good (multiples one after the other tends to work). And then the next time you have a full session all the way to cumming it’ll be back to normal.

It’s a strange thing, sometimes it doesn’t happen at all and after some denial you have the best orgasms of your life. Those it happens for tend to find there is a duration that works for them where it’s great, but then tips over into ‘fizzles first’. 

But for many, it doesn’t happen at all. I guess it’s just your body enjoying messing with you.

The mean way I use it for those who can experience this is letting them cum, and they get a ‘fizzle’ and it’s not at all satisfying. And then inform them that was it, all they did to beg and convince me they could cum, that it’s clear their body didn’t want it. So now they’re denied again.

Not that I’m planting any ideas, you know.

James

hi james – long-time fan of your blog, looking for some advice. most of the time when i edge, it’s with my clit. however, my clit has never been all that sensitive. it takes a lot of vibrator power or hours of teasing by hand to even get to an edge. even as i edge more, the sensitivity just isn’t there. do you have any suggestions on boosting sensitivity? i was thinking about trying a clit pump before i edge, but i was curious if you had any other ideas. thank you! // -josie

Hi Josie,

So clit pumps definitely can help with sensitivity, but they’re a bit annoying to get reliant on. ‘Orgasm balm’ can help too, it’s basically dilute menthol rub, that helps bring blood to the surface and so make you more sensitive.

The major advice I’d give you though is just to mix up what you’re doing first. Try some different positions, and most of all combining clit play with penetration/g-spot stimulation, and especially nipple play. You may find the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

Also, read back on what I said about breathing for edging recently, and do the complete opposite! Use big breaths to build up ‘pressure’ as you edge harder, and try holding your breath when you’re really close to push yourself over.

James, this Monday, 6/18, I’m going to come after 15 days of denial. This is a crazy long time for me. I was wondering if you had any devious ways to make the first orgasm after a while even better. Like, should I edge like crazy first, ruin, do no touch? I just want to maximize the pleasure. If you have any input on this it would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks for everything! -B

Hi B, really good question, quick answer as I’m just off to make dinner!

Don’t try to get too close before you cum. If you edge lots after this long a denial you’re more likely to have it fizzle out or go too far and it all go weird.

What you want is a nice linear path right up to orgasm, with a bit of holding on to the edge before you let yourself go over, but don’t over do it, and then just go for it. If you can, be vocal, cum, and cum hard.

It’s quite common for the first one to be a bit weak as your body just isn’t used to being allowed to go over, so if it’s great, or not, just go for at least a second one because they are often even better than the first.

If you’re not used to multiple orgasms, just give yourself one or two minutes break or just very gently rubbing after you cum the first time, and then go for it again, hard, and faster than ever!

Let us know how you get on,

James

My partner let me cum today after edging me for ~2.5 weeks. But after cumming there was some sort of guilt just PANG in my head and I feel like all my hard work is down the drain. He said I earned it but I don’t feel like so. I’ll probably beg him to let me cum tomorrow but I felt like I could be horny all the time longer for him

Hi anon,

This is kind of a tricky one because you can sort of get into that trap of not actually enjoying cumming when you are able to. And my advice is to really work hard to not feel guilty about it. You can ALWAYS go longer, you could ALWAYS deny yourself harder, but orgasms are great too! And in part we celebrate them on this blog by making them something even more special, by making them rarer.

Yes, the actual effects of edging are amazing, that constant feeling of arousal,the positive impact on your mood, how it can add more intimacy and fun to relationships. But that doesn’t mean orgasms are bad, as I often say, ‘Cumming is good, but not cumming is better’. 

Both are good, so don’t feel bad when you’ve earned that orgasm, enjoy it to the full, be proud of yourself. Because denial can start again the moment it stops…

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Sir may I pretty please have permission to cum I’ve been edging for the last two days but I want to hump my teddy bear so bad and I need permission

Well, you know consent is an vital part of kinky exploration, so let’s ask the big question here…

What does Teddy think about this?!

Make sure he’s happy and confident with safewords, and you’ve agreed some non-verbal ones too, because then yes, you can hump his face until you cum.

Good girl.

I have been thinking about orgasms lately and how I have never had someone else make me cum and it made me start to really think about when l “cum”. I put that it quotes because I am starting to think I am not really cumming. I tend to stop when it feels overwhelmingly good and then I am left wet and squirmy. I always assumed that overwhelmingly good was cumming but as I read it seems I might just be edging or ruining them. How do I know? — Squirming Sage.

Hello Sage,

Do your ‘orgasms’ leave you aching for more? Could you rub your clit hard just seconds after you ‘cum’? Do your ‘climaxes’ leave you feeling satisfied and blissed out or are you hornier than ever?

Hmm, I wouldn’t worry about it. Sounds like you’re having perfect ‘orgasms’. I mean, imagine if you’d never actually cum. Wouldn’t that be crazy? You’ve only ever edged and perhaps ruined your orgasms?  I mean, a girl like that, she’d be drawn to blogs that encourage her to just… keep on doing it. She’d get turned on by that idea. She’d get all aroused at the idea of having accidentally never cum, and now, deliberately continuing it.

So Squirming Sage, I’d say, just keep on doing what you’re doing. 

It’s perfect.

Good girl,

James

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