Tag : opinion

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Hello James, recently I’ve seen the Secretary movie from 2002. It’s pretty funny and sexy and I really liked it, but I’ve also noticed that the BDSM community considers this movie to be much better entry point to kink than Fifty Shades and it makes me wonder why. Because while, as I said, it is a great movie, it seems to me that Lee’s relationship with Mr. Grey is not much healthier than that in Fifty Shades, he doesn’t communicate and ignores her and pushes her away when she needs him…

. So I wanted to ask someone experienced and part of the community, what do you think about that movie (not only) in comparison to FS?

Hi @gearton,

What an interesting question.

I love The Secretary.


I don’t love Fifty Shades.


That’s literally the most expressive Dakota gets in the entire films. Actually, that’s about as expressive as he gets too.

As grateful as I am to the 50 Shades books introducing BDSM to millions of people, they are terribly written, and the films are pretty dire too.

But here’s the problem with BOTH films…

They both strongly imply interest in BDSM and kink are a result of brokenness

The narcissistic, sociopathic millionaire who got abused and mindfucked as a kid, or the self-harming loner who can’t accept love apart from being spanked, or the hugely insecure lawyer who needs control to stop his life falling apart.

Anastasia is the least broken character of the four of them (although it hints at low self esteem and an eating disorder). It’s a shame she’s written as deeply as a piece of cardboard, with absolutely no complexity or depth besides her vapid infatuation with an abusive dominant man.

However 50 Shades also gets consent so horribly wrong and that’s why most kinksters hate it. 

My favourite critique was in Newsweek though:

If I were a member of the Christian right, sitting on my front porch decrying the decadent morals of working American women, what would be most alarming about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena … is that millions of otherwise intelligent women are willing to tolerate prose on this level. 

To quote from the above article:

Fifty Shades eroticizes sexual violence, but without any of the emotional maturity and communication required to make it safe.

However I go back to my point, both of them imply a love of kink comes from being somehow broken or defective. That annoys me, a lot.

What the fuck people? God forbid people are kinky because it’s fun and positive and makes you feel amazing. 

Hmm now what other kinky film examples can think of off the top of my head… maybe Mr & Mrs Smith. Oh no wait, she KILLS HIM AT THE END OF THE SCENE.

Basic Instinct? Oh no wait, she’s a serial killer (probably, no spoilers)


The Dreamers is a really interesting film, but. oh yeah, they’re fucking twins (literally).

Crash– fetish of fucking in car accidents, Tie me up tie me down – mental patient kidnaps porn star, Belle de jour – housewife becomes prostitute, Nymphomaniac is about sexual addiction, Maitresse – penis plus nail plus plankEyes Wide Shut – features Tom Cruise, and while I’m a kinky fucker I do have limits.

The truth is, there’s little authentic BDSM shown in mainstream films. And that’s not surprising. It’s a very complex thing to capture and films play to caricature and extremes. 

There’s a list of 25 films here which is quite an interesting breakdown:


Preaching to the Perverted has a lot of positives, but also despite being filmed in 1997 old looks like it was filmed, and scripted, in the 1970s. And frankly if that’s our best bet let me go back to Pornhub right now.

You know what, fuck it, I’m going back to The Secretary. At least there’s genuine, powerful love in the mix, and the ending makes me cry. I’ll make do with that.

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What do you think of COMPLETE denial, like removing the clit or labia so the girl feels no pleasure whatsoever?

If it’s a fantasy, sure fill your boots, you’re allowed to get yourself off on whatever takes your fancy – I’ve done a few infibulation posts which borders on that. But in reality, horrific and a daily reality for many women who have suffered from Female Genital Mutilation – which remains one of the most wicked and disgusting practises a culture can impose upon its women.

I was watching the scene in The Handmaid’s Tale recently where the woman has this done to her and I actually cried.

So there you go, that’s what I think.

how do you feel about chubby submissives, or “cubbsubs” as they’re often called. i feel like they get quite a bit of bad rep.

Interestingly I have got asked this a lot this week. Although five of the asks were exactly the same wording so either they were getting annoyed that I don’t answer asks in seconds or they have a dodgy keyboard…

Anyway, it’s a fair question. I’m not really involved in the wider scene much nowadays but I haven’t seen much of a bad rep for ‘chubsubs’ (a term I’ve personally never heard), however obviously within wider Western society there’s a general negativity about obesity which will carry across into subcultures such as kinksters.

I think whether it’s BDSM or just vanilla your experience will vary. Some guys dig curves, others don’t. There’s 3 billion men out there, a LOT of them are into you, exactly as you are.

We live in an era, and most of us, countries, where being slim is equated with beauty. Of course that’s not always the case, various African and Polynesian countries see bigger as more attractive – and as you can tell from Baroque paintings, being ‘Reubenesque’ was quite the thing in days gone by. But for us being slim, even skinny is idolised. 

I think I’d sum up my own position as chubbiness is fine, laziness is not. So it’s not really about how you look, it’s about attitude. If someone is fat because they eat badly and don’t do any exercise it’s a big turn off. If they are big despite doing the right things and it’s just how they are then it’s ridiculous to say that’s a bad thing.

The biggest challenge, whether you’re fat or thin, is to love yourself, and that’s a big fucking ask for some of you, maybe most of you. It’s especially hard if you’re not fitting into the crazy idealised body shape, size zero supermodel, thigh gap bullshit that is thrown at you everywhere from YouTube to the clothes store changing rooms. And Tumblr is NO exception, no sirree. I follow hundreds of blogs and almost all the photos are of way less than average body size.

Can orgasm denial help with weight loss?

Yes, but I think you need a basic level of self control in the first place. I’ve seen very mixed results with it. For some it’s been no different from any other attempts to lose weight. They try for a week or two but then give up. However, for others it’s been that extra positive motivation which they’ve needed, and setting rewards for targets being met (for example a ruined orgasm every x pounds and only being allowed to cum when they hit their target weight) has been effective, and hot! 

It probably won’t catch on as the new fad diet though.

On a more practical level being horny can really reduce your appetite. No more post orgasm munchies! Plus for some it’s worked to edge instead of giving into a food craving. 

More fundamentally I think that orgasm denial can help you realise or develop more self control and discipline, and that can then lead to more positive results in other facets of your life.

No matter what your weight, the single sexiest thing you can do is love yourself. Out of that comes confidence, positivity and a natural sexual energy.

So work on loving yourself first, try to cut out the ‘if only I was…’ and anyone or everything that makes you think that way. You are amazing, just the way you are, and anyone who doesn’t think so can just fuck off.