Tag : finding-a-dom

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I found a natural Dom in the flesh! He’s a conservative Christian coworker of mine. I’m not sure he knows it, and I also can’t help being attracted to him and his Dom-y ways. Any advice for someone needing control on their feelings in this?


All I have are warnings:

1.) Dating at work can be problematic. Consider what might happen if the relationship goes sour. Are you willing to leave that job if it gets uncomfortable? Make a plan before you apprach.

2.) Re: Conservative Christian, beware fundamentalism. It’s one thing to be in a relationship with a man who will dominate you because you consent; it’s quite another when that same man feels justified in subjugating you because his god said so in a book. 

Firstly if you don’t know @dwpreturns then let me recommend the blog. Good advice and a great example of fiercely monogamous kink = goals for my new gentlemandom.com blog.

But having said that, I’m going to come with a counter point to his second answer above from my own experience. 

I come from a conservative(ish) Christian background and firstly it doesn’t have to equal fundamentalism (I know, he said ‘beware’). I think this is particularly true outside of the USA, where like everything, it’s gone to extremes. 

But especially for those in the UK/Europe (can’t speak to the rest of the world), I’d actually suggest the opposite, that a church can be a GREAT place to find mature, single guys with respectful attitude towards women a natural inclination to d/s if they are pointed in the right direction.  

Don’t get me wrong, they have their arseholes in abundance too, but if you’re looking for a good guy, with dom potential and you want the odds to be in your favour:

Plus doesn’t the thought of finding some nice religious boy (I suspect the same is true for other faiths) and turning him into your very own kinky little fucker get you going? Oh yeah, that’s scratched some of you just where it itches.

From a denial perspective there’s so much fun to be had too. Whether it’s a guy or girl, there’s an in-built concept of self-restraint that you can use to very easily introduce denial, for both or either of you.

‘How about we touch, and rub, and kiss but don’t cum? That’ll be okay, won’t it?’ you whisper. 

I have an engaged Christian couple I’m tutoring in this right now (amusingly they don’t read this blog as it’s too ‘porny’). They’ve promised not to cum until their wedding night. It’s been four months so far, and they are already losing it. 

It’s amazing what you can get a horny couple to do… as long as it’s not fucking, or cumming, it’s okay, right? They might just end up the two most sexually experienced (and frustrated) virgins in the world by the time they get married (in August, lol). 

They better pray I let his cock out of the cage it’ll be in by then…

I’ve always wanted to get into the lifestyle (as a female sub looking for a male dom) but I feel like I should get to know the dom as a person first? What’s your view on this? Thanks.

Oh Anon, don’t get me started. I could write an essay on this, a whole book in fact.

Yes, absolutely you should get to know them first. The trouble is one of supply and demand, there aren’t many doms around, and there are lots of submissive women wanting one.

This leads to the Fine Line dilemma. That is, there is a fine line between a dom, and an asshole. And most of them are just assholes.

You see it’s very easy for some horny asshole to just label his dumb, abusive behaviour as ‘oh hey, I’m a dom!’ and it apparently make it okay. It obviously doesn’t, but you lovely subs are so keen to be dominated that you, over time, lower your standards and hope against hope that the next guy will be a real dom and not an asshole. Sadly the odds are against you. 

So what’s the answer?

Firstly treat anyone who labels themselves a dom but acts like a dick as a dick, not a dom (English followers just laughed at that for reasons the rest of you will never understand).

You deserve respect and attention as a human being before any D/s goes down, and if they can’t give you that then fuck ‘em (as in, you know what I mean).

And honestly if the dom stuff is the only thing you have going on and you have nothing else to talk about then it doesn’t bode well either.

That’s not an answer, i want an answer

Okay, fair point. So here’s my real answer, but you might not like it.

Your best bet in finding a dom, is making your own.

‘Noooo, don’t tell me that’ I hear you cry, ‘I want a ready made dom to control and enslave me!!!! I don’t wanna make one!’

I know, but welcome to life. If you want the good stuff you usually have to work at it.

You need to find a good guy (or girl), who does want to get to know you as a person, and maybe he’s dominant, he’ll usually, but not always be an ‘alpha’ type personality, although some will surprise you.

The criteria should be ‘do they have the potential to be a dom, not ‘are they a dom already’. That’s going to be an early criteria in whether you’re into someone, but it’s not the only thing.

You should have lots in common, ideally actually live near each other, and slowly get to know each other and explore love, sex and D/s and grow into it. OMG it’s almost like having a relationship and then getting your kink on! (It’s exactly that).

As to how to then train them up, well that’s a subject for another post, and perhaps a book – seriously. But keep chasing me on it, I’ll see what I can come up with. And it absolutely is possible, I know because I help women do it. Before I ran this blog and got swamped by desperately horny young women (and don’t get me wrong, I LOVE you all) I actually spent a lot of my online time helping married women who were looking for a dom (bad idea) to actually get their husbands to dom them instead. (I’d deny them too, don’t worry!). But it was damn successful (and hugely satisfying). So yeah, I speak from experience.

What if I like girls?

For those interested in dommes much of the same applies except dommes tend to be fake not because they are assholes (unless they are a guy pretending, lots of those, be warned) but because they are actually a whore who wants money from you. 

Besides that, you get some real ones, but they are fucking psychos, like really off the wall dangerous nutjobs. I don’t know what it is, but the scariest people I’ve ever encountered in the kink world were dommes. So yeah, you’re not safe just because you like boobs.

So guy or gal, dom or domme, please be careful my lovely followers, I don’t want you getting hurt. (And I don’t just mean emotionally, these people can get under your skin and fuck you up).

Of course there are some real, ready to go doms and dommes out there but they are very, very rare. Just think about it, if they’re real then the likelihood is they’ve been snapped up already and the subs who have found them are going to make VERY sure they aren’t getting away.

So let me point you to my post about the quite well known ‘Acid test’ as to whether someone’s for real and red flags to watch fo:


Actually that’s a really good post, you all need to read it! I’m ordering you as a DOM!

Love you


1/3 I almost exclusively date women. I’m really, really into denial, also. I wanted to tell you, just for the sake of perspective, that it feels like a devaluing of lesbian or woman-on-woman relationships when most of your captions for images or gifs

with two women in them have captions about being “friends” playing denial games together. It makes me feel like I won’t ever find a female Dom who is into this stuff– and it’s harder to insert myself into the fantasies. I don’t expect you to

change it, but I do hope you’ll hear what I am trying to say. Thank you for your time. (And for having anon enabled; I’m still closeted).

Okay, thank you for this, you make a good point. You’re right, I think I probably do tend to frame female-female captions in the light of friends exploring denial. This in part comes from the images I tend to pick which lend themselves to that scenario, and also most of the subs I’ve had have tended to be mostly straight and so the lesbian scenarios we played with, or actually made happen, were within this context.

I guess it’s about audience as well. In the survey I carried out at the beginning of the year only 4.2% of the 1,100 respondents identified themselves as homosexual. And despite all you hear about 10% of the population being gay, that’s actually statistically nonsense, the best stats in the UK say it’s only about 1.5% of the whole population (although I think that struggles to take in the reality of bi-sexuality – which 30% of you little fuckers said you were in my survey – but then you millennials don’t like putting yourself in boxes, do ya.)

That’s not even the bad news… let’s talk about lesbian dommes. 

I’m sorry to tell you that in my 10+ years of exploring BDSM I’ve found the same two things again and again:

  1. Most of them are fake.
  2. Those who aren’t fake, are fucking nutjobs.

Whether it’s been me or a sub interacting with them, I’ve never met one who doesn’t leave a trail of insanity and destruction behind her. Of course there are going to be exceptions, maybe I’ve just been unlucky, but if you’ve got your heart set on a lesbian domme then I’m warning you now, I think it’s going to be hard work (I say the same thing to any young woman wanting a dom too, just I think you have it even worse).

In fact, as is my advice for anyone wanting to find a dom, I think your best bet by far is to find someone you love, who has dominant characteristics, and teach them to be your dom and you learn to be their sub (in fact I’m writing some stuff on how you might do that right now). 

This myth of some perfect dom or domme out there waiting for you is a fantasy (if they’re really that perfect then trust me, they ain’t waiting, you can maybe join the queue) – so be proactive, get out there and make your own!

But thanks again for the feedback, I’ll definitely take it into consideration as I work on more captions and ideas.

Hi! So I’ve been really interested in getting into bdsm because I know I’d really enjoy it (even though I haven’t properly tried it) but currently I am without a partner, so my question to you is where do I even begin to search for someone that might be into it too? It’s not exactly a thing you just come to talk of on a regular date. Also, is it better to start with someone who is as inexperienced as me, or should I go for someone who knows the stuff and can guide me through everything? Thanks!

I’m starting to put together a FAQ section for this blog and this one is definitely near the top of the list! It’s such a good, and important question, and there isn’t particularly an easy answer.

You’ve set out the two main options, find someone to learn from, or find someone to learn with. The first one is where most people imagine starting, finding some perfect dom who wants to invest all his (or her) time selflessly cultivating your submissiveness and giving you a storybook entrance into the world of sex and kink.

But there’s a problem. There’s a fine line between a dom and an asshole, and most are actually just assholes. I’ve spent (too much) time dredging through sites like collarspace and fetlfe and the pattern I see is consistent, horny, angry, sad guys, who label themselves, and even act, dominant for the simple reason it’s the best way to get attention from cute, attentive, usually young women that in any other circumstance would be out of their league.

Are there exceptions, of course. There always are, but the vast majority of guys who are putting themselves out there as doms are doing it because it’s the easiest way they can get access to fresh, naive and easily manipulated pussy (or asshole – gay wannabe doms are mostly even worse, watch out boys). 

It’s simple logic, the good ones have been snapped up and are not likely to be prowling around the murky corners of the internet looking to find their perfect sub, sorry…

Now look, if you’re mature enough to know you WANT to be willingly used and abused, then fill your boots. Be smart, keep it safe, and enjoy. But this is not what I recommend. Especially if it’s your initial sexual exploration, because your early experiences will shape the rest of your life’s sexual expectations and enjoyment. And they’re gonna fuck that up.

There’s a post floating around Tumblr about someone’s experience of attending BDSM meet-ups (usually called munches) where over the years they see a pattern, young, excited, eager female subs and older doms. The girls cycle through like a conveyor belt, being picked up and used by the ‘doms’, but they don’t come back. It’s just the same doms, back for fresh meat.

Don’t be anyone’s fresh meat. You’re better than that.

The other issue is age. No one needs to tell you lot that girls tend to mature faster than guys. And this comes with BDSM too. I have known many amazingly mature teenage girls who know what they want from BDSM, have read all they can about it, and have the emotional maturity to handle it. I can count the number of young guys I’d say the same about on the thumb of one hand.

Hell, I found my interest in kink emerging before I hit puberty and I still don’t think I could have done much with it by the time I was 18. Apart from rare exceptions most guys can’t handle the responsibilities of being a dom until way into their 20′s, if not later. I only really got good at it when I turned 30.

And so you have yet another dilemma, the most likely place to find anyone with any experience is going to be someone ten or twenty years older than you.

Let’s not rule out the older dom completely (not that I speak with any self interest here whatsoever…). I think there is a role they can play if you’re smart about it. However, they are older, smarter and a fuckload craftier than you are so you really need to put in some safeguards such as:

  • You need to see them primarily as a teacher and a mentor and continually frame the relationship that way
  • You need someone you know and trust watching your back and keeping you accountable so you don’t get sucked into some trap.
  • You need to carefully guard your identity and not give them anything they could use to manipulate you until you know and trust them.
  • You need to dilute the experiences you have with them with other relationships and take some time outs to get perspective so you don’t get into a dependency trap

Here’s the deal, you need to go anything with an older dom with the mindset of USING THEM. I’m not saying abusively, just that if you find someone you think you can learn from, see them as that, a resource, a teacher, someone you can gain experience from, and yes, ideally become friends with, but ultimately it’s to learn from. There are lots of benefits, but in my opinion it’s not the best choice of the two..

My firm recommendation is you pursue the second option, find someone you want to be with and discover the world of kink and BDSM together.

Why? Because the risks are much lower and the rewards are much greater. You are far less likely to be taken advantage of, and you actually have a real chance of finding someone you love and can be with, properly.

BDSM is awesome, but it’s not everything, Never lose that perspective. It’s the icing (frosting) on the cake of a wonderful relationship, and by choosing this option you’re making sure you get a good cake and don’t just get a plateful of icing.

But that does bring us back to the same issue, where do you find this prospective dom, and how do you bring this up and assess their potential?

This post is going to be long enough without general dating advice too but here’s some thoughts.

Remember, what you’re looking for is POTENTIAL.

  • He should be curious and creative. Yep, this is number one. The single biggest skill a dom needs is creativity and imagination
  • He should be empathetic – this means he’s sensitive to what you’re feeling and can read your emotional state and respond accordingly
  • He should like himself – not in an overly egotistical way, but you should look for someone who is comfortable in their own skin, before you let them get under yours…
  • He should be an alpha male – this doesn’t mean the cliched sports team captain, but it you are looking for someone who takes the lead when the opportunity arises, who has goals, who others look to for advice or leadership
  • He should be a gentleman – make sure he knows how to look after you and respect you before you give him access to your inner slut and become his little fuck toy

Oh shit, did I just describe what most girls are looking for in any guy… Yep! 

Welcome to the game of life. But you have an advantage. You’re a kinky little fucker and you aren’t (that) afraid to use it. Pretty much every guy wants the good girl who’s secretly a kinky little slut. You WANT to be that girl! (And let’s be clear here, we’re talking about wanting to be HIS slut, not A slut – very important).

BDSM, and specifically orgasm denial, are absolutely brilliant at helping you know yourself, your body, your mind, what you are capable of. So follow Socrates advice and ‘Know yourself’ first, and then get on board with Jesus’s mantra of ‘love yourself’ too, maybe that’s even more important. You are amazing, you don’t need anyone to ‘complete you’, but there is someone out there that will help you be even more than you already are. Start strong, and you’ll build something even stronger together.

So actually my advice is to first explore BDSM with yourself, and this blog and others you find are really good resources for that. Get comfortable and confident with it yourself and you’ll be much more relaxed about sharing it with another person. Fuck, you might even try getting a denial buddy!

So how do you explore if this person has what it takes?

You say you can’t bring this kind of thing up on a date, but actually with the 50 Shades of Grey effect it becomes more and more easy to do exactly that. 

You don’t pull out a whip and pop it on the table, but you can do something like bring up what books they like to read, and when they ask you, drop in you enjoy reading erotica. Or talking about TV shows, mention the fact you watch probably too much porn in a jokey fashion. Their reactions will tell you everything you need to know. And again, same with films, either use it to bring up porn or some erotic film you love. If you can’t manage to bring up books, tv or films on a date then you need to work on some basic conversational skills. And you don’t have to be too overt about it, part of the test is their ability to pick up on the hints (and those are pretty big hints).

And as you get to know them more, you play games. No, you don’t need an x-box controller. I mean real games, games that make you think, and talk, and interact. I’ll try and create some specific ones on the blog but things like Truth or Dare where you ask really good questions. Can he share a hot fantasy, can he make one up given a scenario? Can he tell you a story that gets your aching little pussy wet?

One place for excellent practise of this is talking to your girlfriends about these things too. Get comfortable joking about porn or sex toys or masturbation and you’ll find it way easier to subtly bring up with a guy. Treating these topics with a relaxed jokeyness is totally the way to go. You’re a generation who is more open about sex than any since Ancient Greece, start making use of that fact!

‘Oh but I don’t want to have to ‘train’ a guy to be like that, I want a ready made perfect dom to find me so I don’t have to do any work’. And can he be a billionaire too? 

Yeah, welcome to life. A few lucky sods trip over the gold nugget that makes their fortune, the rest of us have to work hard for what we want. 

Be prepared to work hard. 

Learn to love yourself first and foremost, put in the effort to be attractive, take some risks in reaching out, don’t pre-judge someone until you give them a chance to show their real selves, always trust your intuition, have fun and don’t take anything too seriously or too fast.

And use people like me for advice, we love to give it, as this overlong answer shows!

I know there are a million other questions about this, and please, ask them! But hopefully that gives you some useful pointers!

Good luck in your search,