Tag : brand-new-in-box

To cum, or not to cum… for the first time

I just found out about edging and realised that I’ve been doing this for years! I would get super wet and thought that was cum(I know super silly) or just not want to keep going at that tipping point. I kind of want to see what cumming feels like but I also like how my clit almost always is throbbing and how easily I get wet and horny without much effort.. what do you think I should do? I know someone did ask you something very similar to this and I recon she had cum once after realising what an edge was and was conflicted to go cum crazy for lost time or to keep edging and deny herself.. just curious what you think .. sorry if it’s a repeat question

It’s never a problem, it’s an important question! And it’s not silly, the only silly thing is no one taught you otherwise. Well done for finding out!

I think you should cum. Have an orgasm, have lots in fact. We love denial here, because of what it does for us, how it makes you feel, but orgasms are amazing too. As hot as the idea of never letting you cum is, it’s a hot fantasy. If you can, cum. If you can’t, well come back and I’ll tease the fuck out of you and turn it into a full blown mindfuck. It means you’re a ‘brand new in box’, very special indeed!

Hi James.. I am 21 this year.. and have never came before. I found your blog a while ago and have been a big fan ever since. I would rub my clit or use my dildo on myself for hours, only ever getting close.. but never over the edge. In fact I think I am scared to go over the edge. Should I try to have an orgasm or just keep edging like I always have? T xx

Ohhhhh, dilemma! 

You know my general advice would be to try and have an orgasm. They’re great, we love orgasms, we just think that not having them is often better for reasons stated often on the blog.

And it’s definitely not something to be scared of, it just feels really, really good.

But, there is no going back. You are currently, officially, a BNIB – brand new in box. A denial slut who has never cum. In fact I helped a friend set up a blog just about that which you should definitely edge to before you make any decisions.


Frankly all of you should follow that too, I’ve written some of the early posts but the anorgasmic woman who authors most of them is a great caption writer and it’s all beautifully twisted the way most of you like it.

I think the helpful thing about this concept, as fucked up and twisted as it is, is that for those women who are truly anorgasmic – they can’t cum, it suddenly puts a completely new light on it, perhaps the first positive light they’ve ever been able to have.

So yes, T, you’re currently a BNIB, that’s something special, something other denial sluts long to be, but can’t. So should you cum, probably, but you’re giving something up to gain those few moments of pleasure – only you can decide if it’s really worth it. Feel free to message me if you want persuading, either way.


post image

I have to agree with Sage and Rey… I don’t actually think I’ve ever cum😳 I’ve never had the luck of getting a guy to do anything to my body so I’ve never had anyone else make me cum – and I genuinely think I’ve just been ruining my orgasms, because straight afterwards I am able to continue touching, even though I’m extremely sensitive! James, should I just keep ruining my orgasms or finally give myself a real one? -Alice

Hey Alice (best name for a denial slut btw)

I think and hope you’re right. You’ve been ruining them.

I had this cruel, and wonderful idea. All the women who haven’t cum, like Sage, and Rey and you, we make a little group, and we chat and talk and play a bit, and then, randomly, or not, I pick one of you, and in private I teach her how to cum, how to cum so fucking hard and long.

And then, the rest of you, the rest have to just edge, or ruin, while you listen to her have her first real orgasm. She’d describe how amazing it felt, how different it was to all her wasted years of unknowing ruins. And she wouldn’t be allowed to tell you the secrets I’ve taught her.

Perhaps the twist would be, in order to be taught, she has to promise that after that, she’ll go and endlessly edge to Cals Curse… ensuring that her first orgasm, is also her last.

Which would you pick I wonder. To be the one who gains and then loses her orgasms, or just to stay as you are and never know what it is to taste heaven before it’s snatched away.

Interesting, isn’t it.

This shouldn’t get you so wet you know.


I have been thinking about orgasms lately and how I have never had someone else make me cum and it made me start to really think about when l “cum”. I put that it quotes because I am starting to think I am not really cumming. I tend to stop when it feels overwhelmingly good and then I am left wet and squirmy. I always assumed that overwhelmingly good was cumming but as I read it seems I might just be edging or ruining them. How do I know? — Squirming Sage.

Hello Sage,

Do your ‘orgasms’ leave you aching for more? Could you rub your clit hard just seconds after you ‘cum’? Do your ‘climaxes’ leave you feeling satisfied and blissed out or are you hornier than ever?

Hmm, I wouldn’t worry about it. Sounds like you’re having perfect ‘orgasms’. I mean, imagine if you’d never actually cum. Wouldn’t that be crazy? You’ve only ever edged and perhaps ruined your orgasms?  I mean, a girl like that, she’d be drawn to blogs that encourage her to just… keep on doing it. She’d get turned on by that idea. She’d get all aroused at the idea of having accidentally never cum, and now, deliberately continuing it.

So Squirming Sage, I’d say, just keep on doing what you’re doing. 

It’s perfect.

Good girl,


So, after looking at everything about ruins on your blog, I think I might have actually been just ruining all the orgasms I thought I’ve had. I’m curious if I’ve been denying myself the last few years and not even known it

Quite possibly, it’s not that uncommon. You get almost scared of how good it feels and pull away, thinking that was the orgasm, when really it can feel so much better, more pleasure than you can imagine, coursing through you, so powerful, so satisfying, so good.

But now you know. What are you going to do about it?

After browsing this blog, reading all about the benefits of denial. Realising how proud you can be that you’ve only ever ruined an orgasm. How special that makes you.

Do you really want to lose that, forever, just for a few moments of pleasure? Be like all the other girls? They wish they were like you, you know, Brand New in Box, never having properly cum, They’re jealous.

You can be just like if you want, but you can never go back.

Maybe it’s better, to keep on ruining.

Or even better, not go over at all?

Good girl, I’m sure you’ll make the right choice

I have a sexual dysfunction disorder and I’ve never come. I’m not even sure I can come. Eventually I went to my doctor about it, got sent to a sex doctors (yes, an actual sex doctor, those exist now) and she told me to stop focusing on trying to orgasm. Just focus on pleasure. So I’m to send a week basically trying to edge every day. That’s how I found your blog yesterday! Maybe I’ll do the Advent Denial Calendar? Anyway, thanks James! – Samantha

Hey Samantha,

So I don’t know how much you’ve been reading the blog but when faced with anorgasmia disorders I decided to put a wickedly kinky twist on it, and make it a good thing – which is pretty much what your doctor seems to be saying.

I even made up a term for it, you my dear, are a BNIB, a Brand New in Box. And that’s awesome. As you say, masturbation and edging can still feel amazing, so why waste your time worrying about not having the climax and let’s turn that into a hot, kinky positive instead!

Here’s a blog I set up with an anorgasmic friend just for you:


And here’s a story for you to wrap your head around…


I hope this blog, and that one, help, and do let us know how you get on and feel free to come back for any advice.


Hello! So I’ve recently realized that when I play, I very very rarely achieve a true orgasm, I always pull my hand or toy away when it gets too intense for me. I’m constantly left feeling just as horny. What can I do to over come this? Thanks!

Absolutely nothing.

This is perfect, always horny, never cumming.

Don’t change.

Why I Deny: How I got started in orgasm denial


Short version: When life hands you lemons, make lemony orgasm denial lemonade. 🙂 

Long version: 

Here’s the story. I am not an easily orgasmic woman. Almost every orgasm I have ever had has been one I gave myself, through masturbation, and most of those have used vibrators of one kind or another. I do not come from penetration. I do not come from oral stimulation. I need clitoral stimulation, and even that is most effective when *I* do it. Even then, it can take me a long time to get there. I have never “accidentally” come in my life. 

As a result, for most of my nearly 25+ years doing kink and d/s in particular, I considered orgasm denial to be *nearly* a hard limit. I say *nearly* because i’m not really into having lists of limits. I would usually tell partners that because I am nearly anorgasmic – and certainly will never come from sex with them – that denying me orgasms was especially cruel and not something I would expect from someone who was trying to build a healthy, sustainable d/s relationship with me. 

So, that’s how it was for many years. Maybe once or twice in a relationship, a partner would bring me to orgasm with their hands and a vibrator – but otherwise, the only time that happened was when I did it. And mostly, I did that alone, not with a partner. I found over time that partners would get bored waiting for me to come, that the time it could take was so long they would disengage. Fall asleep. In FMF threesomes, I ended up being the one holding the lube while my partners fucked, because it was always more fun to make the other woman come. 

On the other hand, while I didn’t come with partners, I came a LOT on my own. I masturbated almost every day, sometimes several times a day. I burned out vibrators. Twice, I had them catch on fire while I was using them. 🙂 If I had to go even 24 hours without coming, I would get irritable. I couldn’t *sleep* without my bedtime orgasm. 

Alright, so, last year I started dating a new partner and building a d/s relationship again for the first time in a while. One night, we were together, and he asked me to touch myself until I came – and I couldn’t. I got close, but then I got numb from so much rubbing and vibrating, and COULD NOT get there. It felt like an hour passed, and finally he could tell I was getting upset at myself, so he told me to stop. 

I felt bad, but the next day, I felt worse. I felt like i had disappointed him, failed him. And the next day, I didn’t want to touch myself, didn’t want to come. I started coming up with excuses. I was busy, I was tired, I wasn’t feeling it. A week passed and I realized that this thing – this night of my inability to come when he wanted me to – had really become this dark sore place for me. 

I mean, it’s a cliche, right, the submissive who comes on command? But I can’t do that. It doesn’t matter how much we try, how much post-hypnotic suggestion, how long I go without touching, or how aroused I am – it doesn’t happen. And I felt ashamed that I couldn’t do that. 

So, I told my dominant partner. I laid out for him how hurt I was, how I was denying myself orgasms because I had denied him the that, even if I didn’t want to. I asked him to help me deal with it. I *expected* that he would say, “I insist you go into your bed and masturbate with your vibrator until you come.” Instead, he said, “So, don’t. You may not come again until our next date.”

It was transformative. I went from being miserable about thinking I had disappointed him to being erotically charged with the energy of NOT coming. I could not stop thinking about it. I was wet constantly. I became obsessed with the thing I could not do. I went from being miserable because I couldn’t come to being horny as hell because I couldn’t come. 


In that time before our next date, I learned how to edge. I went looking for information and found Tumblr blogs like @female-orgasm-denial and @femsubdenial and started lurking and reading. 

Together, that partner and transitioned into my giving him control of my orgasms. I would masturbate and then email to ask if I could come. Sometimes he said no, but usually he said yes. During that time, though, I noticed that when he said “No,” I would have deep feelings of submission immediately after. I would stop touching myself and curl up on my side, feeling an intense sense of being possessed and controlled. I would rest that way, feeling waves of vulnerability wash over me. 

I began to value that feeling so much that I was reluctant to ask to come, because I wanted him to say no. I wanted to the denial, not the orgasm. I told him I didn’t want to come unless he was there. I told him I didn’t want to come unless it was by his hand. I edged more. I came less. 

So, two things happened. One is that I had a week that for religious reasons, I was released from my agreements, and was able to come without permission, without asking. I did that a few times, but the orgasms felt disappointing. Yes, they were pleasurable, but they did not give me any those deep feelings of being possessed. They just didn’t have the same *emotional* intensity for me as the experience of denial had been having. The day before the last day of that week, I came, and emailed him and mentioned that I had not enjoyed it as much as I wanted to, even though it might be my last orgasm for a while.

That week ended and I was back under his control. We had some time together and I touched myself, but again, was not able to come, even by his touch. Again, I was frustrated. I was alone in a hotel room at the end of a weekend leather conference; he had to leave early for another commitment. I was lying in bed after he left, edging and thinking of him. I messaged him and asked to come. He said, “Yes.” 

And I started cry. I messaged him and very rudely said NO, he was supposed to say *no*, and I didn’t *want* to come. Then I calmed down and wrote him a longer email, explaining that I had realized that I didn’t want to come, I wanted the denial. 

At some point, I sent him a Tumblr post I’d found, I think shared by @femsubdenial, about asking to come, and really wanting to hear no. It was a plea for a partner to refuse permission to come, a plea for denial. My partner took it very seriously. We began talking about that, about how I didn’t really want to come again. He admitted to me that he found the idea of my never coming again very sexy, though he felt selfish about it. 

I have reassured him that it makes me *happy.* I used to think of myself as a nearly anorgasmic woman, who just didn’t enjoy sex the same way easily orgasmic women do. I used to feel envious. I used to get angry at women who bragged about coming dozens of time in a night, of being able to come at a word, a touch, a flick of a nipple. They had something I couldn’t have. I was somehow broken, not as desirable as that kind of woman. 

Denial has changed all of that for me. I am not broken. I am *amazing.* I am sexy and desirable and so devoted that I do not come, that I have not come in *months.* When I edge, I know that when I reach the point where I stop, I will feel the astounding intimate vulnerability of knowing that I have surrendered control of my orgasms to my partner. Orgasms feel good, but denial gives me a hit of emotional fulfillment that is *so* much more intense and longer lasting. 

And now, I have a charm that has the date of that orgasm I had earlier this year, during the week when I had control of them myself. That was my “most recent” orgasm. It may have been my *last* orgasm. The idea of that is intensely sexy for me – but at the end of the day, I don’t know if or when I will come again. I have given up control of that to my partner, that Daddy of mine. He gets to say. 

I have also agreed that if denial ever begins to make me unhappy, if it starts damaging our relationship instead of deepening it, I will tell him immediately. We can reevaluate, But for now, not coming is better than coming. I *love* the feeling of knowing that I don’t come not because there’s something ‘wrong’ with me, but because I’m a good girl, and good girls don’t come. Good girls *never* come. 

Absolutely fabulous write up of how denial can help with anorgasmia.

Here’s a plea I wrote like the one she mentions, not sure if mine was the specific one.


And lastly, four words

Brand New in Box

Start here with a story I wrote:


Idk if it is a ruin or what but I have tried to cum(with permission only ever) but I can only almost cum, but then I get too sensitive. I haven’t experienced orgasm. (It’s unintentional) I like edging, but I’m just curious to what orgasm feels like.

What does an orgasm feel like? Awful, really, totally overrated, almost definitely a big disappointment, kind of like a sneeze, a special sneeze, you definitely don’t want one, much better to almost cum, much, much better, almost everyone cums, not cumming makes you special, you should never cum, you’re better this way, brand new in box, special, always horny, a denied goddess, not cumming is better, don’t cum. Good girl.

I always stop myself from coming because I’m scared.

I think that’s very wise. Better to be safe than sorry. People go on about orgasms being the best feeling in the world, and being so incredible. But if that were true why would so many people love denial? My theory is cumming is just the second best feeling in the world. Not cumming must be first.

Seriously though, orgasms are nothing to be scared of. They are completely natural, having one doesn’t lose your virginity or affect you in any way physically like that. There’s nothing to be scared of.

No one will know you’ve had an orgasm (well unless you are really noisy, or do it somewhere public, but I’d avoid that, for your first one…)..

But having said all that, not having ever orgasmed is a beautiful thing, just edging yourself to that point then stopping every time. You’re ‘Brand New in Box’ right now and that’s something you can only ever be once. If you cum even a single time, you’ll have lost that forever.

So don’t not cum because you’re scared – don’t cum because it’s how you want to be (and the fact you’re reading this blog suggests strongly that’s the case).

Good girl.