hey james my boyfriend is a dom but he’s new to it and inexperienced, like i literally had to tell him what aftercare is. but he really wants to learn more about everything and i want to teach him but i don’t really know where to start. any advice or anything would really be appreciated !
I’m more than happy for him to email me at email@example.com if he wants some advice. Most of the time I’ve got several couples I’m doing some mentoring with, but I warn you now… be careful what you wish for 😛
Edging is actually a really good starting point for both of you though. It is the gateway drug of kinky shit. It gives him a good taste of what it’s like to control you, but also it opens you up to being bolder sharing what you desire with him.
So try some edging sessions, nice intimate ones, cuddled up where he plays with you, keeps you close, and then he can start asking questions. Good ones include:
- tell me about your favourite fantasies, share them in detail
- now tell me about one you’re a bit scared to tell me
- what would you like me to do to you more, what gets you wet?
- how often should I let you cum, what should I do instead?
- where has all this come from do you think, tell me your early memories of these desires
- should I let you cum for telling me all this? (the only correct answer is ‘no’)
- show me some porn you love.. and make me cum, I want your orgasm… although, if you want to ask me some questions I’m sure the closer I get the more open I’ll be too…
His part of this is to encourage you, as you open up, to not be surprised or intimidated by ANYTHING, it’s all fantasies for now, anything goes, and the pro-level of this is he takes some of the fantasies and answers you share and tells them back to you, with his own little twists on them. Hearing your deepest, hottest thoughts from his lips is an amazing experience.
But this is the heart of it, talking. We are very lucky to live today, when we’re escaping the bonds of even what being kinky has to look like. There are some basics in terms of safe, sane and consensual to put in place but beyond that, make it your own. It can be anything both of you want it to be and when you’re in a loving relationship it’s not about the destination or perfectly executed scenes, the biggest joy is in the journey and working it all out together and having enormous fun with it.
So focus on the fun, build in denial to accelerate the process a bit and then start out with what you think is hottest, let it come from you rather than just how others do it.
On the whole this is a topic really close to my heart. The struggle of being a submissive and trying to find someone to dom you or get your partner into it. And sadly because there’s so little practical help and a massive supply and demand disparity a lot of subs get drawn into the unsavoury world of online doms where most are just wannabe wankers and fakes who thinks subs are an easy target.
And it’s often more nefarious than that. It’s so easy to be tricked into being blackmailed with it’s something so intimate and exposing. I get more and more letters from women who’ve gone through that and it breaks my heart.
I better stop or I’ll go on a big rant but I am in the process of drawing up some materials that I think will be really helpful, for individuals and couples – and I’ve just started on a Patreon as a way of maybe letting me put more time into that and turn it into a really strong resource. Those I’ve talked to about it already have basically screamed at me to get on and create it all already so it’s definitely in the works.
Anyway, back to you OP, I hope that’s helpful and if you want some advice just message more here or email me, I’ll see what I can do to help.