Tag : bdsm

how can i find a master to control me? i want him/her to tell me how many times to edge myself, when i can cum, when i can ruin, etc. i just want someone to be in complete control of my orgasms but idk how to find someone. please help me james.

Hi sweetie,

Sadly the answer is, very, very carefully. There are a hoard of complete assholes who just pretend to be doms and masters because they see submissive women as easy targets.

Certainly you can explore online forums like fetlife but just be super careful. Take anything anyone says with a pinch of salt. I’ve written lots of advice on it in the past so have a look through the blog.

As this blog has grown it’s become something I’m really passionate about. The number of stories I hear of women like you being completely fucked over emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically by selfish wannabe-dom abusers, because that’s what they are, makes my blood boil.

The best advice I can give, although it’s not what many want to hear, and it’s still not easy, is to find yourself a good, mature, loving boy/girlfriend. They won’t be that dom of your fantasies, but what you are looking for is potential.

It’ll take time and effort but with the right person you can have all that, and have discovered it together, which is all the more exciting.

I know though, I know you want it NOW. Oh consumerism, how you’ve ruined us.

The last few months I’ve been working on some exciting projects that I think will help, both with the whole process of teaching someone the skills you’re looking for, but also for keeping you going in the meantime with some things that will figuratively, and literally, fill those holes that make you ache.

More details coming very soon (as in, the next post…)

post image

Good morning! In your previous post you mention online fakers and wanks, and even girls being blackmailed… 😳… how does a sub navigate this world and avoid those things?

Oh, it’s just the biggest question I’m grappling with right now, and there’s no easy answers.

The core issue is there’s a massive supply and demand problem, mostly because of how men and women sexually develop so differently.

You have a swathe of sexually mature, self-minded women who have been figuring out what they are and want from mid-teens at least, and are aching to have their complex and beautiful sexuality explored, and they look at most of the guys (this is mostly a hetero or male homosexual problem)  their age, or even within ten years of their age, and just see a bunch of sexual neanderthal kidults who have zero empathy or creativity let alone the maturity to skilfully dominate someone.

We also have an older generation of more mature women for whom the 50 Shades effect has validated things they’ve felt for years, but despair at even getting a good fuck let alone dominated by their partners.

So into that void step those who want to take advantage of it and you get often older creepy fuckers who are smart and mature enough to at least pretend they are dominant, but their base motives are no better than the younger ones. They see submissive women as a prime candidate for manipulating into being free wank fodder, and horribly often employ deeply coercive techniques dressing them up as ‘being dominant’ to trick the inexperienced into situations they will always have to carry with them, and often leave their precious first experiences of kink in ruined tatters.

It makes me so upset. And I want to do something about it.

I’d love other thoughts on this, but off the top of my head here’s what I think would help.

  1. Create resources for those with submissive feelings, young and old, to safely explore their sexual nature before they venture out too far into the online or real world minefield.
  2. Create some safe communities for submissives to share experiences and support each other where they aren’t being predated by horny net geek wannabe dominants.
  3. Recognise that similar age relationships are a healthy norm so change the expectations of subs to discover their dream, ready to go dominant and help with ways to take the journey of sexual discovery together with a trusted partner as exciting and fruitful as it can be
  4. Create some mainstream resources to help kinky folk normalise it to their friends and family

And these resources have to reflect not just the old school way of doing things, which is great for some, but it needs to be written for a post 50-shades world where kink is becoming mainstream and our lives don’t need to be so compartmentalised any more. 

More than ever BDSM is whatever you want to make it, however you want to live it (within the safe, sane and consensual context of course), and it can work just as well within private, monogamous set ups as it ever did in the more necessarily public arena of munches and clubs and parties that it required pre-internet.

However, that injection into the mainstream has exacerbated the problem of being vulnerable to predators. When it was a closed little world those who were brave enough to enter into it at least had some chance of quickly getting educated and protected by the good folk in the community. Now with the entry points being as broad as tumblr and ffs Twitter, there’s no safe haven – the big online kink communities are just shark pools and I don’t see how they can be redeemed without emptying the tanks and starting again.

So, I don’t know about item 4 above, that’s more of a societal change, that is happening anyway, but I’ve got some explicit plans to try to create things that can help with the first three, and hope to share more of that once it’s been passed by my friends with their range of expertise and insights.

This blog still has some 70,000 followers despite the Tumblr Snap, so I plan to use it and what comes from it as a starting point for positive change.

Anyway OP, I’m not sure that’s really answered your question, more I’ve used it to write a quick manifesto on New Wave Kink… but I hope what I’m producing will help soon. Keep watching this space and everyone’s thoughts and ideas are so welcome.

Viva La Kink Revolution!

James

edging.space

wynspers:

Denial Junky Problem #2818

That sinking feeling of disappointment when you’re begging for an orgasm and he actually says yes.

Followed shortly by the fear when you see the smirk on his face and the sadistic gleam in his eyes that tells you you haven’t even begun to truly regret it yet.

I really should learn to be more careful about what I wish for.

~Wyn

This is a bit of an odd question i guess and i dont know if its been asked before. But i thought id give it a shot. Ive been with my boyfriend for around a year, and feel very safe amd comfortable around him. We’ve been experimenting with rougher sex lately, and denial too. There was one night where there were a lot of slaps and that was ok, and i didnt cum. But i cried at the end. I wasn’t upset, just a lot of emotion. Is that normal? Its never happened before and freaked us both out.

It’s very normal, and well done for asking. It’s just, as you said, a lot of emotion going on, which is great if you feel safe, and crying is just a very helpful way of letting out that pressure. It’s really cathartic actually, and if there’s other stresses that are getting to you then this kind of thing can be a safe, controlled way of releasing some of those too.

So don’t be freaked out, keep talking about it, make sure you’re both very comfortable using safewords too and that’ll help you both feel that while you’re getting emotional, it’s all okay.

Try different things too, slaps, spanking, maybe a soft flogger (the elastic ones are a fun stingy starting point) and explore together how various things affect you. There’s more to discover!

throwaway1016:

Day 2

I downloaded a medication tracking app and have been using it to easily track when I edge and damn I had six proper edging sessions today. I feel an odd combination of shame, pride, and of course FRUSTRATION. I know I’m supposed to edge again before bed but I don’t think that is a good idea. I was literally 3 seconds of focused clit vibration away from an orgasm many many times today and I don’t want any slip ups.

Sir is coming over tomorrow and he very much threatened me with a good time and promised I’d have an orgasm (orgasms??), so I think it’s best for me to call it a day and not do any more touching this evening. Even though my clit wants it… shhh you dumb little thing that has invaded my mind the past few weeks and consumed my focus the past two days.

Using the medication tracking app is genius!

Hey! A few days ago, I got punished and I had to use my safeword for the first time ever. I still feel bad about it now and it happened like 5 days ago. I feel weak because I didn’t last through the punishment. But it was just too much in that moment. Should I feel bad or is it okay to use it even during a punishment? (Sorry for my bad English btw)

1. Your English is good.

2. It’s more than okay, it’s great. I’m proud of you for doing it, I know it can be hard, but it’s SO important you feel you can use them whenever, in any situation. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a punishment or just teasing or even simply a mindfuck. Any good dom wants you to use safewords whenever you feel it’s getting close to too much for you or has crossed any kind of line where you don’t feel good or safe any more.

Punishment time is definitely included, and that’s because EVERYTHING you do in a D/s relationship has to be covered by it being consensual – the whole premise of someone else being dominant and you being submissive to them means that a safeword should be in place and usable in all situations. You wouldn’t be punished you weren’t in the D/s context, that’s the reason it’s happening, so consent and thus safewords absolutely apply.

So definitely chat to your dom about it but I can assure you, you did good!

James

BDSM FAQs – How do I find a dom?

annoyinglygenerouspersona:

female-orgasm-denial:


I’m starting to put together a FAQ section for this blog and this question is definitely near the top of the list. Here’s an updated response to an ask I had earlier last year. It’s such a good, and important issue, and there isn’t particularly an easy answer but here are my thoughts on it.

In my opinion there are two main options, find someone to learn with, or find someone to learn from. The second one is where most people imagine starting – finding some perfect dom who wants to invest all his (or her) time selflessly cultivating your submissiveness and giving you a storybook entrance into the world of sex and kink.

But there’s a problem. There’s a fine line between a dom and an asshole, and most are actually just assholes. I’ve spent (too much) time dredging through sites like collarspace and fetlfe and the pattern I see is consistent, horny, angry, sad guys, who label themselves, and even act, dominant for the simple reason it’s the best way to get attention from cute, attentive, usually young women that in any other circumstance would be out of their league.

Are there exceptions? Of course. There always are, but the vast majority of guys who are putting themselves out there as doms are doing it because it’s the easiest way they can get access to fresh, naive and easily manipulated pussy. It’s simple logic, the good doms have been snapped up and are not likely to be prowling around the murky corners of the internet looking to find their perfect sub, sorry…

Now look, if you’re mature enough to know you WANT to be willingly used and abused, then fill your boots. Be smart, keep it VERY safe, and enjoy. But this is not what I recommend. Especially if it’s your initial sexual exploration, because your early experiences will shape the rest of your life’s sexual expectations and enjoyment. And they’re gonna fuck that up.

There’s a post floating around about someone’s experience of attending BDSM meet-ups (usually called ‘munches’) where over the years they see a pattern, young, excited, eager female subs and older doms. The girls cycle through like a conveyor belt, being picked up and used by the ‘doms’, but they don’t come back. It’s just the same doms, back for fresh meat.

Don’t be anyone’s fresh meat. You’re better than that.

The other issue is age. No one needs to tell you lot that girls tend to mature faster than guys. And this comes with BDSM too. I have known many amazingly mature young women who know what they want from BDSM, have read all they can about it, and have the emotional maturity to handle it. I can count the number of young guys I’d say the same about on the thumb of one hand.

Hell, I found my interest in kink emerging before I hit puberty and I still don’t think I could have done much with it by the time I was 18. Apart from rare exceptions most guys can’t handle the responsibilities of being a dom until well into their 20′s, if not later. I only really got good at it when I turned 30.

And so you have yet another dilemma, the most likely place to find anyone with any experience is going to be someone ten or twenty years older than you.

Let’s not rule out the older dom completely (not that I speak with any self interest here whatsoever…). I think there is a role they can play if you’re smart about it. However, they are older, smarter and a fuckload craftier than you are so you really need to put in some safeguards such as:

  • You need to see them primarily as a teacher and a mentor and continually frame the relationship that way
  • You need someone you know and trust watching your back and keeping you accountable so you don’t get sucked into some trap
  • You need to carefully guard your identity and not give them anything they could use to manipulate you until you know and trust them completely
  • You need to dilute the experiences you have with them with other relationships (friendships or more) and take some time outs to get perspective so you don’t get into a dependency trap
  • You have to be ridiculously cautious if you even consider doing anything with them ‘in real life’

Here’s the deal, you need to go anything with an older dom with the mindset of USING THEM. I’m not saying abusively, just that if you find someone you think you can learn from, see them as that, a resource, a teacher, someone you can gain experience from, and yes, ideally become friends with, but ultimately it’s to learn from. There are lots of benefits, but in my opinion it’s not the best choice of the two..

My firm recommendation is you pursue the first option I gave earlier, find someone you want to be with and discover the world of BDSM together.

Why? Because the risks are much lower and the rewards are much greater. You are far less likely to be taken advantage of, and you actually have a real chance of finding someone you love and can be with, properly.

BDSM is awesome, but it’s not everything, Never lose that perspective. It’s the icing (frosting) on the cake of a wonderful relationship, and by choosing this option you’re making sure you get a good cake and don’t just get a plateful of icing which might make you sick if you eat it all.

But that does bring us back to the same issue, where do you find them, and how do you bring this up?

This post is going to be long enough without general dating advice too but here’s some thoughts.

Remember, what you’re looking for is POTENTIAL.

  • He should be creative. Yep, this is number one. The single biggest skill a dom needs is creativity and imagination.
  • He should be empathetic – this means he’s sensitive to what you’re feeling and can read your emotional state and respond accordingly
  • He should like himself – not in an overly egotistical way, but you should look for someone who is comfortable in their own skin, before you let them get under yours…
  • He should be an alpha male (or female, just switch all this genderwise if that’s what you’re after) – this doesn’t mean the cliched sports team captain, but it you are looking for someone who takes the lead when the opportunity arises, who has goals, who others look to for advice or leadership
  • He should be a gentleman – make sure he knows how to look after you and respect you before you give him access to your inner slut and become his little fuck toy

Oh shit, did I just describe what most girls are looking for in any guy… Yep! Welcome to the game of life. But you have an advantage. You’re a kinky little fucker and you aren’t (that) afraid to use it. Pretty much every guy wants the good girl who’s secretly a kinky little slut. You WANT to be that girl! (And let’s be clear here, we’re talking about wanting to be HIS slut, not A slut – very important).

BDSM, and specifically orgasm denial, are absolutely brilliant at helping you know yourself, your body, your mind, what you are capable of. So follow Socrates advice and ‘Know yourself’ first, and then get on board with Jesus’s mantra of ‘love yourself’ too, maybe that’s even more important. 

You are amazing, you don’t need anyone to ‘complete you’, but there is someone out there that will help you be even more than you already are.

So actually my advice is to first explore BDSM with yourself; this blog and others you find are really good resources for that. Get comfortable and confident with it yourself and you’ll be much more relaxed about sharing it with another person.

So how do you explore if this person has what it takes?

People say you can’t bring this kind of thing up on a date, but actually with the 50 Shades effect it becomes more and more easy to do exactly that. You don’t pull out a collar and pop it on the table, but you can do something like bring up what books they like to read, and when they ask you, drop in you enjoy reading erotica. Or talking about TV shows, mention the fact you watch probably too much porn in a jokey fashion. Their reactions will tell you everything you need to know. And again, same with films, either use it to bring up porn or some erotic film you love. If you can’t manage to bring up books, tv or films on a date then you need to work on some basic conversational skills. And you don’t have to be too overt about it, part of the test is their ability to pick up on the hints (and those are pretty big hints).

And as you get to know them more, you play games. No, you don’t need an x-box controller. I mean real games, games that make you think, and talk, and interact. I’ll try and create some specific ones on the blog but things like Truth or Dare where you ask really good questions. Can he share a hot fantasy, can he make one up given a scenario? Can he tell you a story that gets your aching little pussy wet?

One place for excellent practise of this is talking to your girlfriends about these things too. Get comfortable joking about porn or sex toys or masturbation and you’ll find it way easier to subtly bring up with a guy. Treating these topics with a relaxed jokeiness is totally the way to go.

‘Oh but I don’t want to have to ‘train’ a guy to be like that, I want a ready made perfect dom to find me so I don’t have to do any work’. And can he be a billionaire too? Yeah, welcome to life. A few lucky sods trip over the gold nugget that makes their fortune, the rest of us have to work hard for what we want. 

Be prepared to work hard. Learn to love yourself first and foremost, put in the effort to be attractive (because you’re trying to attract someone – I don’t mean you have to conform, I do mean you have to make an effort), take some risks in reaching out, be prepared to fail and learn from them and keep going, don’t pre-judge someone until you give them a chance to show their real selves, always trust your intuition, have fun and don’t take anything too seriously or too fast.

And use people like me for advice, we love to give it, as this overlong answer shows! There is so much more to say on this but that’s my starter for ten. I hope you find it useful and I’m sure there will be some great points in notes giving other opinions (and telling me how wrong I am).

Good luck in your search,

James

female-orgasm-denial.tumblr.com

PS I’m thinking about writing a little book on this topic, I think it’s so important. Let me know in notes if you think that would be useful.

Beautiful. I’m studying BDSM relationships for my sex therapy discipline and this gives a whole new meaning to a Dom

Reblogging this as it’s good info and my work in progress blog which I reblogged it from – gentlemandom.com will be focusing more on non-denial-specific stuff like this.

James

Denial Buddies discord server now live!

ruinedpetite:

hey babes, so I got some general interest about the group chat idea so I went ahead and created a discord channel. I picked discord because it’s easy on computers & there’s also an app for iOS and android – so the channel should be easily accessible from wherever you choose to log on.

General anti-douchebag rules will apply – no homophobia, transphobia, racism, fat shaming, etc. Use people’s correct pronouns. Basically just be respectful and caring to your fellow denial buddies and we shouldn’t have any issues :3

Please message me for the invite link! You’re free to invite anyone you like (that is into denial obvs) after I give it to you – I just don’t want to free post the link on tumblr for obvious reasons. I’m looking forward to chatting with all of you!

p.s. feel free to reblog this to spread the word 😀

At the risk of giving @ruinedpetite more demand than they want, this is a great idea and something I’d considered, but don’t have the time to manage.

Discord is fab, it’s free, kicks Skype’s butt and you can run it from a browser as well as the apps, so if you do that in incognito mode you don’t have to worry about chat history being found unless you log back in.

Message them to get access. Knock three times, whisper ‘I’m a denial slut’ and if they like the look of you, you’ll get an invite (it’s just a link, you won’t have to give personal details).

On their 21st birthday the girls in the town would be taken to the town Shafter and have their virginity taken, publicly, with the Shaft. He let about one in 20 cum, just to keep it interesting for the crowds of family and friends who’d come to watch.

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