Tag : ask-james

Hi, James! I would also love to thank you for your reply about getting over the love, cause its been more than 2 years for me and he was my first and we clicked right a way about being total perverts in bed)) and it was very special. I have to say i still miss him and what we had, but your answer def gave a positive enegry. I really love that guy, but he doesnt me, and your words gave me inspiration. Thank you)

Thank you anon, I’m so glad it was helpful! 

It’s okay to miss them, just don’t miss out because of it. 

Take the good, forget the bad and get excited about what life has for you next.



Sir what can I do to get over heart break?

Just hold on, it’ll get better, I promise. Time is the big help, but distraction works too. Throw yourself into a hobby or work friends or edging, or anything else that works.

Remember, we aren’t glass, we can’t really break. We hurt, but we heal. You’re going to heal. It’s going to be okay.

But mostly, it’s about understanding life, happens. And our job is to do the best we can with it. At some point it’ll help to look back and reflect on the things you learnt and are grateful for that you took from the relationship. But not yet, that’ll come naturally.

For now just remember you don’t need anybody else to make you amazing. The only person who should define who you are and how you feel should be yourself. Other people can add to it, but the person we need to learn to love most in the world is ourselves, and from that only good can flow. 

So see it as an opportunity to focus back on you, to decide who you are, to plan who you want to be, and be grateful, for that, and what you’ve learnt, and start, just start, to think positively about the future.

Don’t rush it, don’t go off looking for someone else to numb the pain. The pain is real and you need to work through it. You’ll come out stronger and even more attractive for the person that this last one was just preparing you for.


James, I need some advice. I’m in my first D/S relationship and recently my dom asked me to lose a bit of weight. I wasn’t happy with my weight anyway so I agreed but I’ve lost 3 stone (I’m now 7 stone 12lbs) which is slightly underweight for my size and more than I intended to lose and he still thinks I need to lose more:( I’ve tried talking to him about it but he just says it’s what he wants. What do you think I should do? -Mo

Hey Mo,

Hmm, this doesn’t sound good. Firstly, losing three stone, fucking WOW, well done you, that’s so good, you should be very proud of yourself.

So, if you’re at a size that you are happy with, and feel that it’s a safe and healthy weight that you can maintain, then frankly him wanting you to lose more is full-on assholery. Firstly, because he should be making you feel great about how well you’ve done, and secondly, because this is a serious health issue and ‘just what he wants’ doesn’t cut it!

But I’m not one to write people off (unless they don’t use commas apparently) without giving them a chance, so he needs what we officially call, ‘A proper talking to’. This is where all d/s stuff needs putting aside and you need to tell him how good you feel about your weight, how you don’t believe you need to lose any more, and that he needs to support you in this (and stop being a dick).

if you’ve set that out clearly and he STILL keeps pushing you to lose more despite you not wanting to then we’re entering serious red flag territory and you start to need think about whether he’s really looking after your interests and you first, or if he’s really just a selfish A-hole who doesn’t deserve slim little you in the first place.



Dear Sir I was wondering if you know of the best way to take your own virginity. I read about hairbrushes and wanted to try to do it but I’m nervous. Do you know of any way to minimize the pain other than tons of lube? Thank you

Well, technically you can’t take your own virginity. Virginity isn’t a medical definition, it’s a concept. For most it means, have you had sex with someone else, simple as that.

So, you could literally sit on a flagpole, break your hymen and orgasm. But you’d still be a virgin.

Now what you may mean is what’s the best way to deal with your hymen, which is the very thin membrane most women have at the entrance of their vagina as they grow up. The hymen doesn’t break, it stretches and kind of gets worn away over time.


Also you may just be curious to explore how it feels to have things in your pussy.

In which case the simple answer is to start with your fingers. Get aroused playing with your clit, and play with one finger in your pussy then see if you can manage two. If you learn that feels nice then yes, a clean hairbrush handle is a good thing to try next. There’s nothing to be nervous about, just go slowly, enjoy rubbing your clit and let your fingers or the brush penetrate you slowly.

You might get a little bit of blood at first because your hymen is being stretched a little, but that should barely hurt and it’ll only be a few drops at most.

So try it out, going slow and being aroused is much more important than lube. 


I’ve always wanted to get into the lifestyle (as a female sub looking for a male dom) but I feel like I should get to know the dom as a person first? What’s your view on this? Thanks.

Oh Anon, don’t get me started. I could write an essay on this, a whole book in fact.

Yes, absolutely you should get to know them first. The trouble is one of supply and demand, there aren’t many doms around, and there are lots of submissive women wanting one.

This leads to the Fine Line dilemma. That is, there is a fine line between a dom, and an asshole. And most of them are just assholes.

You see it’s very easy for some horny asshole to just label his dumb, abusive behaviour as ‘oh hey, I’m a dom!’ and it apparently make it okay. It obviously doesn’t, but you lovely subs are so keen to be dominated that you, over time, lower your standards and hope against hope that the next guy will be a real dom and not an asshole. Sadly the odds are against you. 

So what’s the answer?

Firstly treat anyone who labels themselves a dom but acts like a dick as a dick, not a dom (English followers just laughed at that for reasons the rest of you will never understand).

You deserve respect and attention as a human being before any D/s goes down, and if they can’t give you that then fuck ‘em (as in, you know what I mean).

And honestly if the dom stuff is the only thing you have going on and you have nothing else to talk about then it doesn’t bode well either.

That’s not an answer, i want an answer

Okay, fair point. So here’s my real answer, but you might not like it.

Your best bet in finding a dom, is making your own.

‘Noooo, don’t tell me that’ I hear you cry, ‘I want a ready made dom to control and enslave me!!!! I don’t wanna make one!’

I know, but welcome to life. If you want the good stuff you usually have to work at it.

You need to find a good guy (or girl), who does want to get to know you as a person, and maybe he’s dominant, he’ll usually, but not always be an ‘alpha’ type personality, although some will surprise you.

The criteria should be ‘do they have the potential to be a dom, not ‘are they a dom already’. That’s going to be an early criteria in whether you’re into someone, but it’s not the only thing.

You should have lots in common, ideally actually live near each other, and slowly get to know each other and explore love, sex and D/s and grow into it. OMG it’s almost like having a relationship and then getting your kink on! (It’s exactly that).

As to how to then train them up, well that’s a subject for another post, and perhaps a book – seriously. But keep chasing me on it, I’ll see what I can come up with. And it absolutely is possible, I know because I help women do it. Before I ran this blog and got swamped by desperately horny young women (and don’t get me wrong, I LOVE you all) I actually spent a lot of my online time helping married women who were looking for a dom (bad idea) to actually get their husbands to dom them instead. (I’d deny them too, don’t worry!). But it was damn successful (and hugely satisfying). So yeah, I speak from experience.

What if I like girls?

For those interested in dommes much of the same applies except dommes tend to be fake not because they are assholes (unless they are a guy pretending, lots of those, be warned) but because they are actually a whore who wants money from you. 

Besides that, you get some real ones, but they are fucking psychos, like really off the wall dangerous nutjobs. I don’t know what it is, but the scariest people I’ve ever encountered in the kink world were dommes. So yeah, you’re not safe just because you like boobs.

So guy or gal, dom or domme, please be careful my lovely followers, I don’t want you getting hurt. (And I don’t just mean emotionally, these people can get under your skin and fuck you up).

Of course there are some real, ready to go doms and dommes out there but they are very, very rare. Just think about it, if they’re real then the likelihood is they’ve been snapped up already and the subs who have found them are going to make VERY sure they aren’t getting away.

So let me point you to my post about the quite well known ‘Acid test’ as to whether someone’s for real and red flags to watch fo:


Actually that’s a really good post, you all need to read it! I’m ordering you as a DOM!

Love you


Hi James! So, my bf isn’t into denial at all, no matter how much I tried to get him to like it. But I can’t help I’m a denial fucking slut, I just love so much the sensation to be denied. He just wants to make me cum all the time, and mostly he does it very well, I hate to admite it. Because I HATE cumming, that’s the truth, I love to feel horny and insatiable all the time, 24/7. What should I do? Fake orgasms to him? I feel like I’m gonna be a terrible fucktoy if I do that to him. – Gabi

Hi Gabi,

Okay, this sucks, I’m sorry.

The big question is how clearly have you explained this to him? If you have, and he isn’t listening, then ironically to some ‘but he’s making you cum…!’, he’s being a bad boyfriend by not giving you what you need. He’s selfishly making you cum, and if you genuinely hate it, you need to make that clear. It’s not okay.

Switch the situation for a moment, say he kept fucking your ass despite you hating it and asking him not to. That would be a red flag right there. So if you HAVE genuinely explained this to him and he is ignoring you and doing it anyway, you need to have a very serious talk.

But the likelihood is we’re still at a stage of miscommunication. You may have said it, but he doesn’t really believe you, or he just hasn’t got it yet.

Us men are not creatures of subtlety. In fact most of us are knuckle scraping neanderthals. We need it explained in short, clear sentences or we get lost.

(Hemsworth’s most accurate portrayal to date…)

This is why I wrote this for you to send to him:


Edit it as you want, but be brave. Send it.

Then you have this to follow up with:


There’s no room for misunderstanding once he’s read those. If he keeps making you cum then frankly my dear, your boyfriend is a dick.

If he still doesn’t get it after that, then you do have the choice of starting to fake orgasms. I personally think that’s rather hot, but it’s only a short term solution.

Is there room for some kind of middle ground where he still gets to make you cum sometimes, but denies you others, sure. But it sounds at the moment he’s just totally disregarding your wants and needs. Not good.

Your man needs to learn to take care of you, and in your case, that’s very clearly by NOT letting you cum.

Good luck Gabi, feel free to message if I can give you any other advice.


James I masturbate at least twice a day most days. Is this bad? It doesn’t ever stop me from doing things and going about my daily life but other people have said that masturbating daily is bad and its got me all worried. Is it actually bad for your health or is this bullshit?

It’s bullshit. Masturbation is good for your health, that’s a proven fact. Here’s a great article from the Independent newspaper that outlines lots of the benefits:


However, this doesn’t mean it’s always a good thing. The key question is whether you masturbating twice a day is negatively affecting your life – is it preventing you doing your best in studies or work. You’re clear that is isn’t, which is great, so no it’s not a problem there either.

The last way it can be a problem is if you feel guilty about it, and this is very common, especially for those with religious backgrounds. Speaking as an ex-catholic school kid I can authoritatively state that the catholic stance of masturbation being a mortal sin is bullshit too, based on a single passage where a guy pulls out when he was instructed to fuck his widowed sister-in-law (as he didn’t want to give her a kid that by law wouldn’t be his). His cum ‘spilling on the ground’ really wasn’t what got God angry here, a  muppet could call that. But apparently the Pope thinks horny priests is a good idea, whatever could go wrong with that picture.

Speaking in general to my readers though, can I just encourage you, if you are feeling guilty, just to take some time out to think (and if it’s your thing, pray) about it. I struggled with this hugely growing up, a constant feeling of guilt about masturbation, and looking back that was just a huge waste of my time and energy. Either resolve to not waste time feeling guilty about this, or talk to a trusted friend or advisor about your struggle with it, don’t just let it make you feel like crap.

As that article reports, the vast majority of us masturbate, almost everyone has to deal with this. You are not alone, and it’s okay!

Thanks for the question Anon, always happy to answer stuff like this, I’m so glad you felt you could ask it.


So after reading the message from the person who tried toothpaste on their clit I finally worked up the courage to have a go. I put a tiny bit and couldn’t really feel anything, my doorbell went so I pulled up my pants and went to open the door. Half way down the stairs I felt my clit start to tingle, I opened the door and it was a friend who wanted to come in for a cup of tea, I sat with my clit tingling for over an hour before they left and I was able to edge!

Oh this is fabulous, I love it!

More confessions please my little denial sluts, we all love them!

Tell us everything, confess it all here

I don’t know if this is weird to ask but what happens when a Denial Acdemy student is on her period? Does it affect her daily edges and other stuff?

I love that you guys ask stuff like this, it’s brilliant. A good proportion of all adult women are having their period at any one time, the fact that most porn and fantasy ignores this is a bit silly really.

So firstly most students at the Denial Academy are on birth control, which tends to help make their periods shorter and more regular. They’re on birth control because, of course, for most students they will be regularly used by teachers as part of lessons and training, and also when they take their turns at the local Bang Barn.

The exception to birth control are the ‘Designated Virgins’ or ‘White Collars’ as they are mostly known due to the way they are marked out:

However given that school fees for Designated Virgins double (and don’t even include anal virginity which quadruples the fees) it’s pretty rare, and of course no bursary students can participate.

Anyway, back to periods.

A big part of the training at the academy is to help the students learn to love and appreciate their bodies. So periods are openly discussed and treated as perfectly normal, and all the nonsense about it being some kind of curse is quickly dealt with. Instead it’s held up as a sign of femininity.

Edging can affect periods in very different ways. For some it makes them easier, lessens cramps and other effects. However for others it does exactly the opposite! So students are monitored for their first few times and their edging regime adjusted appropriately. For those whom it makes it worse they are often put onto anal only during their period, not allowed to touch their clit or pussy the entire time they are bleeding. This drives them crazy, which is exactly the point, but the other girls make it much worse, teasing them, edging next to them telling them how good it feels while they can only play with their ass and breasts for days.

Similarly in class, a period is no hindrance. Should a student be called upon for a practical either her ass will be used instead or in many cases her pussy will be used anyway to show there’s nothing wrong with a little blood as long as it’s cleaned up.

Of course for many the days of a period are a time of increased sensitivity and often arousal so it’s a shame to waste those just from some misinformed sense of decency. Many girls are found to edge even more during their periods once they have learnt it’s something not to be ashamed, but proud of!

Hi, James. I’m in a bit of a predicament. I was about to have phone sex to edge me with this guy, but once it got down to it, I panicked out. He started calling me a dirty whore and a cunt and stuff, which I’m into, but he sounded like he meant it. I hung up on him, and he’s really, really angry. Now I feel dirty and scared. I know that this doesn’t have to do with denial, but I don’t know what to do.

There is a fine line between a dom and an asshole.

This guy sounds like an asshole.

If you hung up on the guy his reaction should be to be worried about you and find out if you’re okay, not, ever, to be angry. Red flag, right there.

So, take some time to get over this, you were just playing, there’s nothing for you to feel dirty about, it was exploring a fantasy, and that’s really great – it just happens the person you did it with wasn’t mature enough to know what he was doing. These things happen. Learn from it.

If, IF the dude calms down and gets his head straight then you might give him another chance, I’m not for instantly writing people off just because they fuck up once. BUT you do it very cautiously, this is his one and only warning. You have to be mature and tell him it is NOT okay for him to react like that, ever, and if he doesn’t get that, blast him out the airlock.

And if you aren’t even wanting to give him that chance then trust your instinct and move on!

I hope that helps, always happy to chat if I can give any further advice.