BDSM FAQs – How do I find a dom?
I’m starting to put together a FAQ section for this blog and this question is definitely near the top of the list. Here’s an updated response to an ask I had earlier last year. It’s such a good, and important issue, and there isn’t particularly an easy answer but here are my thoughts on it.
In my opinion there are two main options, find someone to learn with, or find someone to learn from. The second one is where most people imagine starting – finding some perfect dom who wants to invest all his (or her) time selflessly cultivating your submissiveness and giving you a storybook entrance into the world of sex and kink.
But there’s a problem. There’s a fine line between a dom and an asshole, and most are actually just assholes. I’ve spent (too much) time dredging through sites like collarspace and fetlfe and the pattern I see is consistent, horny, angry, sad guys, who label themselves, and even act, dominant for the simple reason it’s the best way to get attention from cute, attentive, usually young women that in any other circumstance would be out of their league.
Are there exceptions? Of course. There always are, but the vast majority of guys who are putting themselves out there as doms are doing it because it’s the easiest way they can get access to fresh, naive and easily manipulated pussy. It’s simple logic, the good doms have been snapped up and are not likely to be prowling around the murky corners of the internet looking to find their perfect sub, sorry…
Now look, if you’re mature enough to know you WANT to be willingly used and abused, then fill your boots. Be smart, keep it VERY safe, and enjoy. But this is not what I recommend. Especially if it’s your initial sexual exploration, because your early experiences will shape the rest of your life’s sexual expectations and enjoyment. And they’re gonna fuck that up.
There’s a post floating around about someone’s experience of attending BDSM meet-ups (usually called ‘munches’) where over the years they see a pattern, young, excited, eager female subs and older doms. The girls cycle through like a conveyor belt, being picked up and used by the ‘doms’, but they don’t come back. It’s just the same doms, back for fresh meat.
Don’t be anyone’s fresh meat. You’re better than that.
The other issue is age. No one needs to tell you lot that girls tend to mature faster than guys. And this comes with BDSM too. I have known many amazingly mature young women who know what they want from BDSM, have read all they can about it, and have the emotional maturity to handle it. I can count the number of young guys I’d say the same about on the thumb of one hand.
Hell, I found my interest in kink emerging before I hit puberty and I still don’t think I could have done much with it by the time I was 18. Apart from rare exceptions most guys can’t handle the responsibilities of being a dom until well into their 20′s, if not later. I only really got good at it when I turned 30.
And so you have yet another dilemma, the most likely place to find anyone with any experience is going to be someone ten or twenty years older than you.
Let’s not rule out the older dom completely (not that I speak with any self interest here whatsoever…). I think there is a role they can play if you’re smart about it. However, they are older, smarter and a fuckload craftier than you are so you really need to put in some safeguards such as:
- You need to see them primarily as a teacher and a mentor and continually frame the relationship that way
- You need someone you know and trust watching your back and keeping you accountable so you don’t get sucked into some trap
- You need to carefully guard your identity and not give them anything they could use to manipulate you until you know and trust them completely
- You need to dilute the experiences you have with them with other relationships (friendships or more) and take some time outs to get perspective so you don’t get into a dependency trap
- You have to be ridiculously cautious if you even consider doing anything with them ‘in real life’
Here’s the deal, you need to go anything with an older dom with the mindset of USING THEM. I’m not saying abusively, just that if you find someone you think you can learn from, see them as that, a resource, a teacher, someone you can gain experience from, and yes, ideally become friends with, but ultimately it’s to learn from. There are lots of benefits, but in my opinion it’s not the best choice of the two..
My firm recommendation is you pursue the first option I gave earlier, find someone you want to be with and discover the world of BDSM together.
Why? Because the risks are much lower and the rewards are much greater. You are far less likely to be taken advantage of, and you actually have a real chance of finding someone you love and can be with, properly.
BDSM is awesome, but it’s not everything, Never lose that perspective. It’s the icing (frosting) on the cake of a wonderful relationship, and by choosing this option you’re making sure you get a good cake and don’t just get a plateful of icing which might make you sick if you eat it all.
But that does bring us back to the same issue, where do you find them, and how do you bring this up?
This post is going to be long enough without general dating advice too but here’s some thoughts.
Remember, what you’re looking for is POTENTIAL.
- He should be creative. Yep, this is number one. The single biggest skill a dom needs is creativity and imagination.
- He should be empathetic – this means he’s sensitive to what you’re feeling and can read your emotional state and respond accordingly
- He should like himself – not in an overly egotistical way, but you should look for someone who is comfortable in their own skin, before you let them get under yours…
- He should be an alpha male (or female, just switch all this genderwise if that’s what you’re after) – this doesn’t mean the cliched sports team captain, but it you are looking for someone who takes the lead when the opportunity arises, who has goals, who others look to for advice or leadership
- He should be a gentleman – make sure he knows how to look after you and respect you before you give him access to your inner slut and become his little fuck toy
Oh shit, did I just describe what most girls are looking for in any guy… Yep! Welcome to the game of life. But you have an advantage. You’re a kinky little fucker and you aren’t (that) afraid to use it. Pretty much every guy wants the good girl who’s secretly a kinky little slut. You WANT to be that girl! (And let’s be clear here, we’re talking about wanting to be HIS slut, not A slut – very important).
BDSM, and specifically orgasm denial, are absolutely brilliant at helping you know yourself, your body, your mind, what you are capable of. So follow Socrates advice and ‘Know yourself’ first, and then get on board with Jesus’s mantra of ‘love yourself’ too, maybe that’s even more important.
You are amazing, you don’t need anyone to ‘complete you’, but there is someone out there that will help you be even more than you already are.
So actually my advice is to first explore BDSM with yourself; this blog and others you find are really good resources for that. Get comfortable and confident with it yourself and you’ll be much more relaxed about sharing it with another person.
So how do you explore if this person has what it takes?
People say you can’t bring this kind of thing up on a date, but actually with the 50 Shades effect it becomes more and more easy to do exactly that. You don’t pull out a collar and pop it on the table, but you can do something like bring up what books they like to read, and when they ask you, drop in you enjoy reading erotica. Or talking about TV shows, mention the fact you watch probably too much porn in a jokey fashion. Their reactions will tell you everything you need to know. And again, same with films, either use it to bring up porn or some erotic film you love. If you can’t manage to bring up books, tv or films on a date then you need to work on some basic conversational skills. And you don’t have to be too overt about it, part of the test is their ability to pick up on the hints (and those are pretty big hints).
And as you get to know them more, you play games. No, you don’t need an x-box controller. I mean real games, games that make you think, and talk, and interact. I’ll try and create some specific ones on the blog but things like Truth or Dare where you ask really good questions. Can he share a hot fantasy, can he make one up given a scenario? Can he tell you a story that gets your aching little pussy wet?
One place for excellent practise of this is talking to your girlfriends about these things too. Get comfortable joking about porn or sex toys or masturbation and you’ll find it way easier to subtly bring up with a guy. Treating these topics with a relaxed jokeiness is totally the way to go.
‘Oh but I don’t want to have to ‘train’ a guy to be like that, I want a ready made perfect dom to find me so I don’t have to do any work’. And can he be a billionaire too? Yeah, welcome to life. A few lucky sods trip over the gold nugget that makes their fortune, the rest of us have to work hard for what we want.
Be prepared to work hard. Learn to love yourself first and foremost, put in the effort to be attractive (because you’re trying to attract someone – I don’t mean you have to conform, I do mean you have to make an effort), take some risks in reaching out, be prepared to fail and learn from them and keep going, don’t pre-judge someone until you give them a chance to show their real selves, always trust your intuition, have fun and don’t take anything too seriously or too fast.
And use people like me for advice, we love to give it, as this overlong answer shows! There is so much more to say on this but that’s my starter for ten. I hope you find it useful and I’m sure there will be some great points in notes giving other opinions (and telling me how wrong I am).
Good luck in your search,
PS I’m thinking about writing a little book on this topic, I think it’s so important. Let me know in notes if you think that would be useful.