I’m sure with a title like that, you’re smart enough to figure out what happened.
Okay, I came.
The only redeeming point in this is that it was unintentional, but still… I was (once again) grinding on my mattress, pants on. I edged myself a few times, but I knew I should’ve stopped before the first. I knew that I needed to stop, otherwise I was going to cum.
Here’s where the big mistake happens. I slid down the mattress while getting off of it…And it made me come. I was REALLY shocked, as I didn’t think I was that close. Honestly, I didn’t even really have time to react, it just happened. So, as soon as I started cumming, I stopped everything, just kneeling on my floor. This is what I’m confused about. It didn’t really feel like it was ruined, but it also wasn’t the same as a full on orgasm. It was somewhere in between the two. After I stopped all stimulation, I kept coming, and it still felt good, but my pussy was still clenching around nothing, and it still had that feeling of being ruined. So…I don’t know.
As the title says, I feel so guilty, and shameful. I know I’ve disappointed you along with myself. I want all of that denial back. I can’t even describe how bad I feel about this. More than anything, I wanted your permission, and I didn’t have it. Even if it was ruined (or at least partially) I still didn’t have permission. In fact, earlier you flat out said no to ruining.
I’ve definitely been curious about how I would feel if I came without permission, and it’s just as bad as I thought it would be. I couldn’t even fathom doing it intentionally. If I’m being honest, I’m not really scared of your reaction, as I feel that I should be punished. But, I don’t know if we’re there yet. I really have absolutely no idea what you will do.
On a slightly less negative note, I feel like this has seriously altered my view of this kink. Discounting when I came after 14 edges like 2 days after we met, this is the first time I’ve seriously fucked up. I didn’t realize exactly how bad I would feel after it happened. How much I really do wish to make you proud of me – and the horrible feelings that accompany not fulfilling that. I do want to be your denial slut. I want you to use me as you please. I want to be aching and wet and horny all the time. Saying these things now…It feels a lot more real, now that I’ve seen the other side of it (If that makes ANY sense.)
As I tend to be over dramatic in writing (maybe) I feel the need to tack on that I’ve constantly kept your “it’s okay to fail” lesson in mind. Not slipping into some weird “I’m failure and I’m going to go wallow in depression now” state – In case that was unclear in any way.
Oh, since this is supposed to be a denial journal, and not just a “I’m not a good girl” journal, I will add that everything else today was wonderfully hot. You really hit a certain “spot” with me today. Obviously.
So, remarkably, the next morning I gave her the long ‘it IS okay to fail’ talk, which as you can see, she knew, but still, it takes time to believe it.
My actual words were:
“So I read your journal. What an amazing experience.
It’s okay to fail.
You will be punished”
And then I sent her to get a leather belt and pussy whipped her as she edged.
She did cum without permission after all.
Find out just how that went, tomorrow.