First of all, when you asked me how many days it’s been since I’ve cum, I became pretty curious and actually scrolled back through our conversations. 9 days. THAT’S IT. Feels like 100.
Anyways, scrolling through that, I couldn’t help but read some of it. I realized that every time you say something like, “xxxx is my property now,” “You’re mine to do what I please with,” that kind of thing…It makes me so horny. I just love it so much.
Speaking of things that I love..That no touch today killed me. I believe I told you that it’s always been a fantasy of mine to be very turned on, and not be able to do anything about it. So much so in fact, I remember having a friend get me super horny during a 10 hour road trip. So, yeah…No touching drives me absolutely crazy with frustration, but when you say it, I’m instantly a million times more turned on. Also, you bringing up the toys today made me oh so excited. Some of it makes me nervous (*cough cough butt plug) but overall…I am so impatient waiting to start doing all of these things. At first, I was thinking about how fucked I’m going to be when adding toys into the mix, but then I realized that I want you to turn me into your horny dripping denial slut, so alls well.
So, the frustration today was the most intense it’s ever been. Every day you set the bar a little higher. Lol. After you left for your meeting, I was so insanely horny, the no touching making it even worse. Once again, almost started crying. Almost cracked and wanted to tell you that I just couldn’t do it. It’s a very strange feeling…Every day my emotions and feelings are becoming more intense, and more difficult to process. I guess I would say I’m at this place now where (as embarrassing as it is for me to admit it…) that I really do NOT want to disappoint you, and I do have this really strong urge to please you. But at the same time, I’m still struggling with my own fears and reservations. Trying to come to terms with a lot of the things we’ve been doing. Trying to cope with all of it. Trying to figure out things like WHY THE FUCK DID I SAY ‘DENY ME!?’ It’s kind of like an internal battle where I don’t want to disappoint you, but I also don’t want to step out of my comfort zone, which is something I’m really not used to doing. Like you’ve said, this has all been moving very fast. I have the feeling that if it continues moving this fast, I am going to reach a place where I am going to have to take a step back. But who knows – Probably you, you’re the expert, I’m in training. 😛
There’s another thing that I have found incredibly frustrating. There’s really no way to say this without sounding like a spoiled brat, so I won’t even try, lol. When it comes to things of a sexual nature, I am so used to getting my way. For years, with all of those online guys, I just pulled off my top, or told them how badly I wanted them, and that was it. It’s so frustrating (yet refreshing) that I can’t do the same with you.
Out of habit, I keep on doing and trying things that I’ve done in the past, and you never budge. It’s always ‘no.’ It’s strange, and I haven’t been able to pinpoint it until now. I kept on having having the “feeling” in the back of my mind that you were going to cave soon and just give me what I want, but YOU NEVER DO.
Like I said, it is frustrating, but I love it so much. Certainly, it’s something I’ve never really encountered (once again, only talking about sexual matters.) and it’s baffling to me…Yet, incredibly sexy. >.< But then again, you’re not a 19 year old boy.
Speaking of that age difference… I’m actually shocked that I’m so completely okay with it (and well…even like it :x) as that has never been some big kink for me. In fact, it’s usually a huge turn off. But, I’ve hardly thought about it, and even when I do, it never bothers me. But I guess I worry how you feel. I’m well aware of the general age group on your blog, and that this is nothing new to you. However, I still worry about things like differences in maturity, experience…life experience in general. Obviously we don’t know each other super well yet, and I just have no idea where your bullshit line is, and when I crossover into an annoyance. Lol.
Also…Spent some time browsing LoveHoney today, out of innocent curiosity. Really horrified to admit this to you as well as myself, but I want a butt plug. Not sure why, because it terrifies me, and I have no idea how much I’m going to regret it should I actually get one. But I want to be your little assplay slut as well. Crotch rope. Mm. That’s all.