So for those I train/deny directly a lot of what we do is through the medium of chat – I like it, it gives you that little extra time to consider your answer, you can do it while you’re doing other things too and it gives a nice record of the what was said to think over later if you need to.
But it can have the tendency to make things feel unreal if used exclusively. As such it’s always the case that I’ll want to talk, yes, actually speak, with someone I’m denying and training, on occasion at least.
Snowflake describes the impact of that experience here, but before that beautifully expresses the very natural conflicting feelings some experiences, in this case anal play, can bring. And just for some context, a few weeks on from this journal and she’s wearing a plug most of a day, and loving it.
Well, I’m now feeling very conflicted about the ass play… It seems like you’re really good at making me feel such contrary emotions at the same time. I just got out of the shower, 3 guesses as to why I was there. Seriously though, I need lube. Suggestions? Anyways. It still felt nice, but I felt more of the stigmas I’ve associated with anal coming back. I don’t want to say it felt wrong, but it didn’t really feel right, either. I’m actually having a lot of trouble putting into words how I was feeling. It’s so unfamiliar, foreign, and still pretty taboo in my mind. I wasn’t feeling this strongly yesterday, so I’m not sure what brought it on. I mean, I did, for the first time, make the conscious decision to do it, but maybe that’s not associated with it. Like I said before, I’m still very “on the fence” about this.
Okay. Earlier. Skype Call. Like I said, I’ll try to be honest, knowing you’re reading this, but I already want to slap a gag on before I say…Or type anything I regret. Lol. Once again, totally conflicting feelings – On one hand, very horny, the other, a nervous wreck. I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but that made me so very horny… Legitimately, I don’t think I have ever gotten so wet from just playing with my nipples. However, for fear of you thinking I’m a freak, I will add in that I tend to get pretty horny on my period, so I’m going to blame it on that. You were right. Actually talking made everything a lot more tangible, and the entire experience changed. Lol, by the end of that I was dizzy and shaking (almost started crying in the middle, but we’ll just act like I had something in my eye.)
Overall, I guess it’s just a really strange feeling.. Thus far it’s been VERY enjoyable, and I’ve been having a lot of fun. But, looking back on it, I’m still so shocked at some of the things I’ve been doing. Shocked that I’m even capable of doing them. I suppose I am reaching a point of being overwhelmed by so many new things…But also kind of overwhelmed by the fact that I like so much of it.
As a final note…I wasn’t really going to add this (ever) but you told me to journal, and I told you I would try to be honest. I guess my crazy, paranoid, irrational mind starts to worry about various ways I may be fucking this up. Am I complaining about __ too much? Am I not doing enough of ___? Am I being too difficult about ___? You get the idea. I know/think/hope it’s irrational.
This last part is a perfect example of why a shared journal is such a great idea as you go through anything like this. Those are the kinds of worries we can have about any kind of new experience, and yet simply expressing them can provide instant peace of mind as the answer was a simple, ‘nope, you’re doing great’.
Any good dom will love you asking questions like that, so make sure you do.
Interestingly Snowflake also keeps her OWN private journal for the things she doesn’t want to share with me but for her own personal reflections. Genius.