Okay, I want to apologize for posting so much in one night. This was originally a private journal, but I’m feeling kind of brave, and decided I’m okay with posting. Don’t get too excited, it’s definitely one of the ‘lighter’ ones…As in it doesn’t contain my deepest darkest secrets. Lol. BUT, I thought you might enjoy, and if not, I guess you can skim it and pretend like you read it. 🙂 Oh, sorry it’s long. My private journals tend to stretch on a bit longer than the Tumblr ones. Once again, sorry.
It’s hard to believe it’s been over a month since I sent James that first e-mail. I feel like there’s so much I want to say, but haven’t been able to, simply because I don’t know how to verbalize what I’ve been feeling. He’s shown me so much that I never anticipated experiencing, and over such a short period of time as well! Thus far it’s been an incredible experience, though quite a draining one (maybe I really do need to eat more.) There are days when I wake up, slip my hand down into my panties, start edging, and wonder how much longer I’ll want to do this. But, day after day, I’m still craving it just as much as yesterday. That’s a bit of an understatement – I’m usually craving it more than I was yesterday.
I’m not really sure what day of denial I’m on, but I’m starting to feel stupidly horny again. Earlier today, I was simply sitting around, feeling perfectly normal. Then, I remembered when I first got my toys. That dildo felt SO good sliding in and out of me, and god, I wanted to cum so badly, but I just couldn’t. This was made even hotter when I was pleading to be allowed to stop, and James still said ‘no’. This thought alone was enough to send me into perpetual horniness again. Ready to do anything to earn that orgasm. Unfortunately, someone wasn’t here, so I had to settle for edging. Even now, recalling that, I’m desperately wanting to stop writing this, slip my hands down, and bring myself to the edge over and over again, not daring to go over it (though if I do, maybe he’ll turn my bottom bright pink again…Yum).
Even though I haven’t edged for hours, I want to cum so badly. It’s all I can think about. I want to beg him for hours, with hopes that he’ll allow me to relieve this delicious aching. Still, even more than the desire to cum, I want him to say no. I want him to say it because when I’m like this, I don’t have the willpower to say no to myself, despite the fact that I prefer to be kept like this – a dripping denial slut. Hearing James say ‘no’ leaves me in such precious agony. I’m angry, and confused…Miserably horny. Usually, all I’m able to think about is how much I want it, and how mean he is for not giving it to me. But deep down, I don’t want that. Deep down, I know that I like myself better like this, even if I can’t see that all the time.
I think I’ve always known why I love the butt plug so much, I just haven’t been willing to admit it. It’s incredibly sexy to have a constant reminder that I’m his little dripping denial slut. No one around me knows it’s there, even though it’s impacting me so deeply. I guess it’s my sexy little secret (plus, when I had to slip that vibe inside myself with the plug in…It felt so good..). It’s gotten to the point where I miss it when it’s gone. It’s not just the plug, either. There’s this small burst of disappointment when I pull down my pants and see my butt isn’t as bruised as it was yesterday. Or when the final snap marks of ‘slut’ faded from my stomach. Even when my wrists stop burning from pulling on the restraints, or when my clit finally stops throbbing after a really intense edge. Despite how intensely I may have disliked these things in the moment, as soon as they’re gone, I want them back.
All of this, especially denial, has contributed to this greater feeling of giving James control. Like he said (or at least brought up) I felt this a lot more while kneeling on the floor, barely covered, with a vibrator relentlessly teasing me. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, he still said ‘no’. While this was hot, I was also truly desperate to escape the situation, so why didn’t I just leave? Why didn’t I just end the call? It’s a thought that’s so obsolete, I didn’t even consider it. I realized that James really does hold some level of control over me. Granted, it’s not complete control, in fact, no where near it, but it’s a start. And yes, it is so fucking hot. Something that I’ve fantasized about for years, but it’s also crippling in some aspects. A lot of this has to do with my anxiety. I want to control the situation, down to the smallest, most insignificant details, in an effort to keep myself calm. When I lose that control, I panic. So, it’s scary to be willingly giving that up to someone. To trust another person so completely seems like a huge mountain to conquer. On the other hand, as James said, it’s quite the relief. The thought of not having to worry about it, even if it’s only for an hour or two, is such a huge weight off my chest. It’s an incredible feeling to have him react to it in such a ‘different’ way. Most people either respond with some level of anger, misunderstanding, or pity. Usually all three. He doesn’t do that. In fact, he kind of dwarfs it. Before I met him, I felt that it was almost an unconquerable thing. Something that had forever shaped who I am, and what I’ll be able to do. But, James has changed that, quite drastically, actually. Of course I’m not cured over night, but it seems like a much more manageable issue now.
On a bit more of a conflicting note, I’m not really sure how much ‘real life’ bullshit I should be divulging to him. Does he really need/want to know? I just have no idea. I don’t know how to define parameters like that. This kind of ‘relationship’ or rather, dynamic, is VERY new to me, and I’m not sure how to treat it. Sure, James told me that it’s based on friendship, but it’s obvious that this is a very unique friendship. Well, I’ll figure that out eventually.
Ultimately, I’m loving this. All of it. Even the things I think I hate but secretly love. My body is screaming at me, telling me how badly it wants to cum, but in reality, I want to cum very sparingly. Only when James lets me. I swear, it’s like my brain is torturing itself right now – Every orgasm I’ve ever had on replay in my head. With every one, my pussy clenches a bit tighter, gets a bit wetter…A little more desperate, a tad more miserable. Yet, I’m smiling, so perfectly content with the organized chaos that seems to be my body and mind these days. Finally, I have a confession, something that I haven’t even wanted to admit to myself. I’m hoping beyond all hope that James makes my denial longer than the three weeks I previously endured. I don’t have a specific number in mind (I certainly don’t want to go anywhere near Diva’s 100 days) but I want to keep hearing no. I know I’ll cum eventually, but I want to be kept like this for a while. Now that I’ve been allowed to cum once (twice) I know how much I’ll miss this ache once he finally says yes. I never thought I would be in a place like this when I sent that email…But here I am. So fucking naive. Lol.