Not much in the way of denial today, besides being as horny as ever. I did end up hooking up my old computer and reading very old conversations, and I thought instead of writing nothing, I would write about that, as I found some of it interesting.
I didn’t really remember much of it, but it was so weird reading it. I’ve changed SO much. I was so much more confident, blurting out SO many fantasies without the slightest hint of humility. A huge fucking tease, so sure that everything I was doing/saying was bound to turn this guy on. I forgot that I used to be like this, and it’s quite shocking to me. I thought I was always really self conscious and introverted, but apparently not. It was obvious that I was already into BDSM, but I wasn’t just being all submissive. I guess you could say I was putting up a fight, or being really bratty. Which then reminded me that I used to have a lot of fantasies revolving around being told to shut the fuck up and essentially being ‘put in my place’.
Apparently I’ve been into denial for much longer than I realized. Even though I was only 14-15 around the time, I divulged a little fantasy of being taken to the edge over and over again, until I’m begging and crying to stop. While tied up, of course (bondage was already a pretty big kink at this point…)
Scrolling forward a bit to when I was 16…It was incredible how utterly comfortable, calm, and complacent I was. I discovered that I actually lied to you when I told you I had never put anything up my ass. I don’t really remember this, but based off conversation logs, I guess he convinced me to get a finger up there. Lol. Anyways. Reading back through all that was a great reminder of where I want to get to with you, and that I am actually capable of doing it. I didn’t hesitate to tell him anything, to the point where I was actually cringing reading some of it, horrified at the things I admitted. There was no part of my body I wasn’t willing to show, and very little I wouldn’t do, no matter how exposed it left me.
It’s left me wondering what happened between then and now. It seems like I used to be so much more open, confident, and comfortable with myself, and somewhere down the line, that went away. So, I went looking for hot fantasies (which I found…Damn, I used to be so creative) but ended up realizing that I’ve changed a lot, and not in a way I enjoy.
Sorry there’s not much denial in here…I just thought that was a tad bit interesting. Oh, but I did leave my vibe in my panties on high for a while earlier. That was nice…But it left me as horny as ever. 🙁