What a perfect end to my night. I was pretty bummed yesterday when my anxiety killed an experience that could’ve been really fun. But, not anymore! Everything you had me do was so great. I was never completely calm, but my anxiety was at a very manageable level. Obviously…3 hour call. Lol. Being cuffed to my bed with a vibe on my clit, knowing you were watching was insanely hot. The limited movement made everything so much more intense. At some point it went from struggling simply because it was hot to struggling because that fucking vibe was relentless, and I wanted to cum. I was actually kind of worried about trying that. I thought that being cuffed would add to the feeling of being trapped, and therefore add to my anxiety. But, telling me that I could take off the cuffs and take a little break if I needed to alleviated a lot of that. I know that it may detract from the whole idea of submission, but having a “way out” is very comforting, even if I don’t use it. I know that you’ve brought up a similar concept involved safe words, but I feel like using a safe word has a much heavier implication. Moving on.
Clearly, I’m not comfortable doing everything on cam. Thankfully, that’s just me being shy, and not being anxious. 🙂 Despite that shyness, I still had loads of fun. Spanking myself on cam was amazing. Honestly, I know you think I was trying to get in trouble with my comments, but I wasn’t. That just made it better, though… Snaps really hurt. In case you were wondering, I can still see the ‘L’ in slut. When I said I accidentally snapped on my clit, I meant it. I shifted awkwardly or something, and ended up snapping my exposed clit. That hurt. A lot. Soo why did it turn me on so much?
I forgot to talk about having these journals put up on your blog. It’s not bad, but it’s so odd. I remember reading Diva’s little ‘entry’ and the exact feelings it created. It’s quite the mind fuck to now be on the other side of the fence. Disregarding what you say, I refuse to believe people are actually getting off to it. It’s still strange to think about random people casually reading something that means so much to me.
So, taking a step back from that three person dynamic. I feel a bit bad, as I know how it could be seen as a bit disappointing. I definitely want to continue exploring. I love playing with Diva, and just talking to her in general. She’s great fun. 🙂 But, it’s such an overwhelming thing. I’m still adjusting to denial with you, and learning all these new things. Suddenly another person is added in and it just makes my anxiety shoot through the roof. So yeah, hopefully we can just go a bit slower with that…Like, maybe not *every* day.
I’m starting to get back to that place where I’m unbelievably horny for no reason. It’s still wonderfully frustrating. I’m still loving the plug, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why. It’s driving me nuts, lol. I love it, and I crave it, but there’s no logical thoughts behind it. It’s just a feeling. I should probably get used to just accepting these things, instead of trying to explain them all. >_>