And no, I didn’t cum. I want nothing more than to gush about how much fun I just had on cam, but I can’t, as I would be lying. In reality, I was extremely anxious, and I hate the fact that I felt that way. This was such a huge turn on, and I adored every second of it. Despite that, I still felt so anxious – Almost to the point where I would say I was panicking.
First of all, I really hope you’re not mad that I didn’t tell you. I’m sure you would’ve wanted me to, but I’m hoping that you can try to understand that doing that is very abnormal to me. I hardly ever tell a person that I’m anxious when in the middle of said anxiety. So, I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to withhold things that you need to know… I just don’t know how to say it. I’m not comfortable saying it. Especially in the middle of something like that. I know there’s no way for you to know unless I tell you.
I can’t even begin to describe how bad I feel, or how sorry I am that this is happening. I want nothing more to just be able to enjoy this, but sometimes that’s really hard for me. I start to feel anxious during any situation which my brain can construe as feeling ‘trapped’ and unfortunately, being on a call, and on cam is one of those things. Despite the fact that I was anxious, I was still SO turned on, and it was incredibly frustrating not being able to fully enjoy it.
Moving on to a less depressing subject… Today was SO hot. Spanked twice (yes, my bottom is bruised, and I love it) and every second of it was great. Granted, it would’ve been nicer if a special someone could’ve done it…But still, fantastic. By the time Diva had me spanking myself, I wanted each one to hurt more than the last. At first it just burned, then it left me with this delicious tingly feeling, and a pink bottom. Oh god, but with the clamps on my nipples, and the vibe on my clit, and a stinging bottom, I don’t know how I managed to not cum. Oh, but when she denied me even a ruin…I was so crushed. That’s the first time I’ve been able to ride such a hard edge. Granted, it was only two minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Just laying there, breathing steadily, not daring to move a single muscle in my body, for fear that the slightest shift would push me over that edge. And GOD I wanted to cum so badly. As soon as she said ‘stop’ I pulled the vibe away, despite how much I wanted it. This was something that puzzled me a few weeks ago, but not so much anymore. I want to do what I’m told. I want to be a good girl. But, like you said today, even though my body wants to come, my mind wants to be denied. When we first started, I liked to hear no, as it was hot, but now, I never want to hear yes.
Fucking myself in the shower was a new experience, and definitely a hot one. The suction cup dildo was a very good investment, but so was the plug. I still don’t understand why that makes me ridiculously horny…Anyways. The shower was great. Soaking wet (In more than one way) finding the various places I could ‘suction’ it on to fuck myself with. All while knowing my mom was in the next room, practically biting through my lip trying to keep quiet. Yes, it was very hot.
And finally, it wouldn’t be a complete journal if I only bitched about the hottest thing I did all day. Let’s for a second pretend like I don’t have anxiety, and everything was peachy with camming. Okay? K. It was so fucking great. First, cleaning while knowing you were watching (or maybe not?) was so hot. I was so much more aware of everything I was doing, and what I was wearing…I only wish I could’ve worn the heels with it. But after the cleaning was done, and we got to the playing, I felt so, completely controlled. Down on the floor, hands behind my back, still wearing that stupid maid outfit, tits falling out half the time, moaning and begging in desperation. It was probably one of the hottest things you’ve had me do so far. God and being ignored. I haven’t yet decided if it was a good or bad thing that you’ve discovered this is such a huge kink of mine. Seems it’s going to get me in trouble. Anyways, I loved every second of it. You telling me how to sit, where to put my hands, what to say, it was all so hot. I’m not sure what I loved the most. It was so sexy knowing that I was down on the floor with you watching (or maybe not). I don’t know if I liked it better when you were ignoring me or paying attention to me. Either way, I adored every second of that, and I’m very eager to do it again. Even thinking about it now is getting me all hot and bothered, though that’s to be expected after you and Diva had some fun today. Thanks for that, I really missed being endlessly horny and frustrated.