This is generally something I would put in my ‘private’ journal, but after I told Diva, she advised me to tell you (maybe she already told you, I don’t know.) I’ve been a bit worried about something since we’ve started this, though thankfully, it’s become less and less of a concern. Basically, I’ve always been troubled over the fact that I’m not horny enough. I don’t (usually) want to lay in bed ALL day and edge myself. I still want to get up and play piano, study Korean, mod that stupid fucking chatroom…Talk to friends, play games, etc. I almost felt bad about this, as it seemed like it was ‘wrong’ to want anything but denial. Looking at it now, I feel less worried, as I refuse to feel bad about wanting an actual life. Lol. Also, during that first three week denial, I didn’t realize how horny I actually was. It just built up gradually, but looking at it now, I can see that I was WAY hornier than I usually am. Like, insanely. I woke up and fell asleep horny as all fuck. However, during a time like right now, when I’ve just cum a few days ago, I don’t feel that way. Honestly, from the time I wake up to whenever you go to sleep, I’m really horny. After you leave, I’m still somewhat horny, but that’s also the time I take to kind of ‘wind down’. I think about whatever happened earlier, and I do the things that I would’ve done before I became your little denial slut.
As a whole, even during a time like this when I’ve only been denied a few days, I’m still way hornier than I ever was before I started getting into denial. Before I sent that email, I would sometimes go an entire month without cumming, just because I never felt like it. So, going from that to edging every day has been quite the change, and I’m still adjusting. I don’t want denial to feel like a ‘task’. I’m having so much fun, and enjoying myself so immensely with everything that we do, and as soon as it starts to become really stresssful, that fun is taken away – That’s not what I want out of this. I feel a lot better finally saying this, but I’m still a bit worried that you’ll tell me that I’m a horrible denial slut, and my cunt should constantly be leaking. Maybe that’s just not me. Or maybe you should just keep me denied for another 20 or 30 days, to achieve the desired affect. 🙂
Anyways, that bullshit aside, I had so much fun today! I’m loving sharing this experience with Diva. She’s as wonderful as ever. Heh, it’s also nice having someone who’s happy to deny me when you’re gone. 🙂 But fuck, when she made me ‘grind’ off the clamps on the side of my bed…That hurt. A lot (so why did I love it so much?). I’m really glad you’ve given her permission to deny me. Earlier, when I was begging, I was pretty sure that she didn’t have permission to ruin me, and it was harder to beg when I knew there was no chance. Well, now it’s a different game, isn’t it?
I definitely saw a new side to her, though. I think that’s the first time I’ve really seen her beg. Telling her what to do was…very strange for me. While we were playing Cards Against Humanity, it seemed like light hearted fun, and I really enjoyed it. Very entertaining. But after that, it was just comfortable. It didn’t feel right, telling her what to do. The things she was saying and the way she was acting was REALLY hot, but like I told you, it just didn’t turn me on. I would’ve much preferred to be on the receiving end (not really, as I’m still pretty reserved regarding stuffing, but you get the point).
I’m really pissed that I got my period early. But it’s also a bit of a relief (I’M NOT PREGNANT! Jokes. Lol). Yesterday, after you “got your claws out,” like I said, it kind of shook me up. What I didn’t say was that I bursted into tears for a good hour. I thought I was crazy. But no, just crazy with hormones. So yeah, quite a relief. But besides explaining my over emotional bullshit, it’s really pissing me off. However, I did just have the idea of breaking in that maids outfit while plugged tomorrow? 😡 Perhaps I shouldn’t say something like that when I’m not entirely sure if I want to do it yet.
The idea of letting Diva watch me ruin was both exciting and VERY nerve wracking. I’ve only gotten on cam with you once, and even that was quite the bundle of anxiety. I’m not really sure if I’m eager to add in another person, especially because I assume you would be present as well. I imagine that would be a very anxiety-ridden situation for me, and I’m not really sure if I would even be able to edge like that. So, it’s a very hot idea, but maybe we can stash it away for a bit later?
When I emailed you, I never imagined we would be doing a lot of things that we’ve already done, but least of all this. I mean, it wasn’t even a fantasy that you would introduce me to one of your subs. It wasn’t even a thought. But, I’m really glad you did. Diva is great, and I feel like we’re getting along okay, and becoming a bit more comfortable (I hope the feeling is mutual? If not, this is awkward). It’s been very different, and I’m still figuring out how what to say, and how to act, but it’s fun. The one thing that I’m really unsure of is where all of this is going. When you first offered to introduce us, I really thought we would only talk once or time. That impression stuck for a while. That’s obviously not the case, but I’m not sure what to expect from here on out. Is this something you plan on continuing for a while? The whole ‘three person dynamic.’ Or something you plan on using when you want to add a little bit of extra fun? Is it going to be the new norm or a something on the side? (Is it going to crash and burn? Kidding, again.) I just have no idea what to anticipate. It is something I would appreciate some clarity on, because I have no idea.
Okay, I think that’s about it. I tried to make it extra long to make up for yesterday! Hopefully Diva kept that plug in all night… 🙂