I really enjoy having some level of control asserted into different aspects of my life. Uh, like when you told me how to dress. The whole, ‘You’re going to play piano every day’ thing. I guess it adds to that feeling of being owned.
I’ve realized that I love it when you’re mean to me. Like, really love it. Of course, this has a limit, so please don’t go saying or doing atrocious things to me. Before today, I was definitely hesitant about telling you when I feel shitty, or actually using a safeword, general things like that. It seemed odd to bring something up like that in the middle of such a ‘heated’ moment. But, you switched right from “Fuck, rub, wipe” to clementine deficiency. Amazing.
Looking back at everything, I had this moment of terrifying clarity. It’s so unreal to think that I’ve been doing all of these things – much of which are outside the realm of things I would normally partake in. It’s both fantastic and unnerving. But, I didn’t even really notice this until now. You make everything feel so normal, and natural. So much so that there have been a few times talking with family where I’ve almost blurted out something like, “Wow, I can’t believe I’m getting a box of sex toys in two days!” Then realize that that’s completely inappropriate (perhaps I really do need that gag?)
I’m starting to get really horny, all the time again. The thought of playing with myself always lingering in the back of my mind. Not even able to keep my hands out of my pants half the time. Even right now, I’m kind of alternating between rubbing my clit and writing. >.< Like I said, I am finding that I love it when you’re mean…Look at me ‘not acting out’ and using my words. 😛 I won’t add in much more, and instead let you do with that will you will (assuming you don’t just ignore it.)
Finally, I decided to start learning Chopin’s Nocturne Op 9 No. 2 in B flat minor…And Air on the G string for when the first one makes me want to bash my skull in. 🙂 So yeah, I’ll see how that goes. Oh, I think my mom nearly started crying when she saw me playing again, so…Thanks for unintentionally making her happy. Lol.
Off to edge, and sleep.
‘Clementine Deficiency’ refers to the fact when Snowflake had a bit of an emotional wobble as we played and I quickly figured out it was due to her not having eaten anything (she’s awful that way).
Make sure you eat something before you try some hard denial kids… it really can make a huge difference to your state of mind.