Just to give a little context on the below. I tried to reblog it directly from
littlestrawberrygarden but she’s been editing it so many times I think it encountered a problem. (Including to the best ever headline I think I’ve ever read which I’ve now updated it with!
Strawberry’s someone I’ve been chatting to this week, and had been enjoying giving quite the mindfuck to, as she recounts beautifully below. Sadly she’s decided, for unknown reasons, that this was now abuse, which is never nice to hear. Anyway, here’s what she said, and my response to it.
I’ve been keeping to myself what has actually happened with me and I cannot anymore. I haven’t slept the whole night and it hurts in my chest so much I cannot bear it. So please listen:
I’ve started my challenge of self-denial inspired in the large degree by the blog female-orgasm-denial.tumblr.com I soon wrote to its author, James, to share my excitement with him. James turned out to be a very friendly person, he supported and enchouraged me a lot. He reblogged some of my posts, adding that everyone should subscribe to me, which gave my little blog a lot of visibility. He answered every single question I could come up with, and gave me a lot of useful advices. Pretty much every one of you reads this post because of his reblongs: I had 10 followers before, now I have over 200.
Eventually I wandered into a pretty amazing blog of a girl with anorgasmia. That’s a medical condition when a person is unable to cum. She was suffering from it at first but learned to turn it into her fetish of orgasm denial and then started enjoy this fetish. This was very admirable and inspirating! She is strong, she was able to turn her weakness to her advantage and enjoy the life another way. I still felt sorry for her, since she didn’t chose to be this way. She still actually dreams about tasting a real orgasm. You know how amazing an orgasm feels, right? I wish she could be able enjoy it too.
We talked with James about it. He said he has trained several girls with anorgasmia before. One of them in particular, she was unable to cum at all, and was very desperate when he met her. He managed to guide her close to the orgasm, while whispering closely into her ear. But then when she finally was on the verge, he ordered her to ruin it (ruined orgasm looks like a regular orgasm but it feels very bad, it is also a fetish for some people). The girl couldn’t believe him. She was so close. She never tasted an orgasm before. She always dreamt about it. James repeated his order, ordering her to ruin. She cried. She cried so much. But she obeyed. James has never let her cum again, ever. I asked him about every detail questioning if I really understood everything right. He confirmed. I felt a knife going deep into my heart. And I’m being honest: I stood up from my computer then layed down on my bed and didn’t move for three hours. That’s how I broke the first time, on day 4.
Every time I remember it, my heart starts hurting really bad. I’m honest, every time, now too. Not in a literal sense, not heart like an organ. But you know that feeling when your closest friend betrays you or the love of your life turns back on you? Yes, that feeling of being heartbroken. Because I couldn’t stand what was done to that girl. I couldn’t comprehend what I heard. I still cannot. I cannot digest it. I cannot understand it. And you know I love denying my own orgasms right? So why do I feel this way about this girl, shouldn’t I like the story? Well, if it was a fantasy it would be a really hot fantasy. If she would love that like I do, I would feel good for her. But James insists that it’s not a fantasy, and that’s what happened for real. And he said she kept crying and crying and crying and it took her three weeks to accept it. She said that her only ruined orgasm was the best thing she experienced in her life (and you know how bad ruined feels compared to a real orgasm). She begged him every day to let her cum again. But she did accept it in the end. And she thanked him for it. It hurts me so much… I can’t hold my tears. Do you feel it too? Or do you think it is okay?
I couldn’t comprehend it. I still can not. I couldn’t deal with it. I still can not. I tried to forget it and imagine I didn’t hear it. I still can not. I tried my hardest. I kept thinking about her everyday. I kept asking him about her all the time. I asked James if he can make her cum. He answered me that he can do it easily. But on one condition: if I submit my orgasms to him for 21 day, he will make her cum once. And if I will take her place and give my orgasms to him forever, he will make her cum as much as she wants. And that I have only until the next day to decide. That’s how I broke the second time, on day 6.
The thought of giving myself to him was absolutely, terribly disgusting to me. I kept crying and screaming that I hate him so much. I said that I never had an intention to submit to anybody at all. That my orgasm denial is a way for me to challenge myself, to see how strong I am. I didn’t come to tumblr in search of a dom. Submission is hot but it’s just a fantasy to me, I don’t want it actually to happen. There’s a gigantic difference between the fantasy and reality. But I couldn’t take it knowing what happened to that girl. I couldn’t. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to fix it all, I wanted to reverse everything bad that happened to her. I didn’t care about what it takes. I was determined to throw myself for it. At least for 21 day to let her cum once. I kept asking him if he will really make her cum. If it will be a normal, not ruined orgasm. James promised he will. I cried myself to sleep.
I don’t know how I did it, but on the next day I said no to him. I’m so proud that I could do it. It hurts even more now that I didn’t help her. Even though I know that the only right answer was no. I couldn’t sleep at all tonight.
That is what happened. I wish it all wasn’t true. I wish it so much. I keep checking our chat log, to be sure I didn’t lie anywhere.
It didn’t occur to me what is actually happening until today. I can’t explain why! Like I was blinded. I just couldn’t realize what is going on. I don’t know why I was so polite with him to the end. Maybe because he was also being polite that I didn’t notice him as an enemy.
It hurts so much I cannot bear it.
He emotionally scarred that girl for his own enjoyment alone. He did hurt her really bad. He knew it would hurt her and did it just because it would. It is NOT bdsm. He didn’t ask her in advance if she wants it to be like that or not. He did not negotiate it with her. He did not care about limits. He knew she doesn’t want it to be like that. He did it knowingly to hurt her. And it doesn’t matter if she’s anorgasmic and she wouldn’t feel even a ruin otherwise. He did it to hurt her and it did hurt her. This wasn’t consensual. This is abuse. Even though he didn’t have physical control over her, this is still abuse.
And the worst part is that she accepted it. But even though she accepted it, IT IS STILL ABUSE.
He did hurt me too, really badly. But he also wanted to exploit my vulnerability to force me to do something horrible against my will. It’s NOT bdsm. He did pressure me to it, he didn’t listen and he didn’t care that I hate it. This is abuse too. Even though I resisted, it is still abuse. Even though he did not have physical control over me it was still abuse.
I’m still happy it was me and not someone else. Because I managed to get out before too late.
I don’t know why was it so hard to understand all that. It was like a tied tightly knot in my head, that I had to put so much will to unwrap. Or hypnotic veil. I only understood everything when I wrote to this point. I didn’t even understood it when I started writing this post. I feel relived once I did and my heart stopped hurting. Like it was reminding me that something’s horribly wrong even when my mind didn’t work properly.
This is all so horrible I cannot express it in words. And I’m still in shock and I feel sick. I don’t know what to do about that girl.
I’m not suicidal, so don’t worry about that. But I still cannot deal with it. I hope someone reads this. Please someone read this.
Please somebody say something. Thank you for all the people who supported me. I was really afraid nobody is going to believe me. I need some rest now.
EDIT: I now remember him saying many times that there’s going to be two times when I will feel very different, at day 3 and day 7. He kept asking if I feel different now. He kept reminding me not to think about it too much and just let it happen. When I was getting really anxious and start worrying too much he kept telling me to stop thinking and start edging myself instead. I never did it if only because my heart was in such a pain for that girl that I wasn’t even horny anymore. It really sounds like a some kind of hypnosis.
He also said he had many more anorgasmic girls and he tortures them differently. Some other anorgasmic girl is given a lot of ruined orgasms, but no normal ones, unlike the first girl I described who is denied any orgasms now. This is so horrible. When he described them he was saying “isn’t this so fucked up?” like he was really proud of it.
I never seen his face or heard his voice, and neither did he see or hear me. We were only chatting with text. He was trying to make me go to his another blog with some creepy morbid pictures.
This is one of the most remarkable things I’ve read in some time. Thank you Strawberry for sharing it so beautifully. However, I am being accused of being abusive here so let me just respond to that as part of this (with an example from the chat right at the bottom).
On the whole it’s very accurate write up of what occurred between the two of us (apart from her last comment, I have no idea what ‘creepy morbid blog’ she is talking about. It’s very odd that she stuck in that one fact I can’t reconcile).
Is it fucked up? Absolutely. It’s been an enormous mind fuck that Strawberry is still working through..
However, that’s all it is, that’s all she can know. How I made her feel. How my words, the story I told her, the challenge I gave her, affected her. Everything she has read into what ‘the girl’ felt or experienced is her own conjecture.
It has to be.
I made her up.
Now that doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist. In fact every part of her story is based in fact, in real experiences I’ve consensually given women who have asked for them. Every single one of whom told me how much they loved what I did with them. (In fact in her fourth edit of what she wrote here Strawberry mentions them).
The story is most closely based on ‘E’ who you can read about in the blog and who to this day continues to love the fact she’s only ever cum that one night. She begged me on several occasions never to let her cum again. I granted her wish.
So yes, Strawberry might hate me (her last word were ‘ Now go fuck yourself, you piece of shit’). That really doesn’t trouble me. She’s been vacillating between love and hate from our first conversation, it’s part of what’s made it so exciting. Passion often requires both. And orgasm denial is so interesting because of that dichotomy.
What gives me great satisfaction is that I’ve been able to give her some of the most breath-taking and intense experiences she’s had in a long time, simply as we’ve chatted. Oh I love the power of words. And you can see that impact in the first half of her account here.
The reason for the intensity of her experience and reaction only she can know. It really was extraordinary. But as I said to her a few times, whether my words brought pain or pleasure, it made her feel more alive than she has in a long time.
In many ways it’s like when I write my captions or stories. I just try to intuit ‘what can I say at this moment to give the greatest intensity of experience’. From what you all tell me, I seem to have a knack at it.
I’m clearly going to disagree that what I did to Strawberry was abusive though. I told her a story that aroused her at a very deep level, and then, I gave her the choice to make that story her own. I did it without any coercion, manipulation, I simply laid the choice in front of her. It was, for both of us, a moment of pure intensity. I offered her the choice, and when she said no I accepted her decision without any question (you can see it at the bottom here).
The fact the girl was fictional didn’t matter, I was giving Strawberry a choice. A choice to take up something she desired but was scared of. I repeatedly told her it wasn’t about the girl, it was about her own decision.
That she found the strength to say no because she wanted the journey to be her own was very impressive (if ironic given the true situation).
I know the rollercoaster I’ve started Strawberry on isn’t finished yet, not by a long way. This post is just a snapshot of where she is today. I also know that every time she feels that ache between her legs and reaches down between her thighs she’ll think of me, me and that nameless girl she found the strength not to become.
Not yet, anyway.
She won’t be cumming. Not today. That’s my guess anyway.
With regard to this being abuse…
With Strawberry’s consent I’ll happily post the entire chat log. Perhaps reading it again will let her see just how many times I indicate what was really going on.
However, I am going to post just a sample of our chat which is how I reacted to her rejection of the offer I made, which just for reference she described as: He did pressure me to it, he didn’t listen and he didn’t care that I hate it.
About what we were talking yesterday
You wanted me to give an answer today and I’ve made up my mind
I will not give my orgasms to you
This is final
But I feel really bad about the whole thing
Thank you for all your support and help though!
But I’m on my own
Nothing to apologise about!
Thank you for considering it.
Thank you for understanding ^_^
I’m still here for advice and support if you want it though!
You’re a good person
So good, and yet I can be so mean…
Now, ummm… pressured, not listening and I didn’t care… what?! We’ve not talked much since then so, that IS my final response to her. I’d like to submit this as item 1 in my defense, your honours.
I’m not sure what’s gone on with Strawberry since then to make her flip out quite so hard about it. I’d offer to talk it through but she blocked me. But I’m sure she’ll read this and I’m happy to see if I can help.
One of the beauties of doing this kind of thing on chat is that every single word that we exchanged is completely captured. As I said, I’m more than happy to post the whole chat, I think a lot of you would enjoy it and find it absolutely fascinating.
EDIT to highlight the comments by http://brand-new-in-box.tumblr.com/
Alright, so I know I am too late to this whole situation but I just found out and can’t ignore it. My first thought is: what a terrible misunderstanding (and thanks for the compliments, sorry I couldn’t help myself… for me it was the one good note on this). Let’s think for a moment that girl existed, as that’s how this all started, we need to understand that what seems like abuse to some, it’s actually a big turn on for others. Kink is really tricky (especially when it involves helping the other one realize what they really want); I for starters would’ve loved the mind fuck James intended in the first place. Some of us just happen to love when a guy is ‘cruel’, when he denies us what we ~want~. I’ve never had an orgasm, yet I’ve fantasized a lot of times about never getting to, or only ever getting ruined ones. And I really mean it, not just as something I’d like to masturbate to, but actually experience. I remember in one of our first chats (while he was getting to know me, what I was into, what I really desired, and was hoping for), I told him I wanted him to drive me utterly crazy and frustrated. To make me so desperate to the point that I would look at him with despair (in that specific session, of course). Months after that I asked him to please tease me so much, and so deviously before making me cum, so that I actually cried.
Long story short, in all the time we’ve been talking, never has he tried to make me do something I’m not okay with. Naughty suggestions? Sure, a lot of them! But if I didn’t want those I’d be talking to a nun instead. The fact is all of those suggestions, all of our chats and experiences have led to me knowing parts of myself (and indulging in some) I didn’t know existed. And it’s not all sexual. Somehow he got me to see life in a different way, myself too. To all of this I’m very grateful, and it sickens me that because of a silly misunderstanding (or whatever you want to call it), there’s actually people out there thinking he’s an abusive man, some sort of sociopath chasing women and torturing them. Please! You can go to him with practically anything, he’ll listen to you, and offer advice. That blog isn’t his job, he has a real one. It’s not his life, he’s got one of those too. It is a hobby, one he’s decided to share with us, one that has got many persons to experience new things and spice up their sex lives. He runs a (spoiler alert!) female orgasm denial blog, that’s why you go to his blog, and that’s what he gives you. You don’t go looking for book recommendations (not that the theme of his blog should stop you, he’s got good taste). Just keep in mind you’re approaching a mildly sadistic dom (I’m pretty sure that’s the description he wrote on his blog, or at least it was), with a knack for orgasm denial, therefore, that’s the part of him you get to experience.