Disclaimer: This was originally written for my husband to understand what orgasm denial is, and all the things he needed to know to participate in my own denial. Thus it’s written for a man, from a woman. I’ll try to cover some things for you men out there looking to try denial, but I’m less versed in male denial practices.
I decided to write this out Tumblr because when I began my first denial, I spent a lot of time trying to find all “the pieces”. I wished I had found just one single post that explained everything to me. It might exist, but I never found it.
Some of you may read parts of this and think “well that’s not true for me”. That’s ok, no two people are the same, so why should we all experience denial in the same way! Write your own experiences in the comments!
What is Orgasm Denial?
Orgasm denial is exactly what it sounds like: when a person is denied an orgasm. They could be denied release for a few hours, days, weeks, months, years, or forever.
It is different from just not having orgasms due to lack of sex or masturbation. Usually an orgasm is desired by the person, but it is not granted. It can be a self-imposed denial, or a person can be denied by a partner. Often orgasm denial is coupled with some stimulation, whether mental or physical, to keep the denied person aroused and wanting more. There has to be a desire to orgasm on some level, or in some cases the desire to not orgasm has to be stronger than the desire to orgasm.
How Long Does Orgasm Denial Last?
There are a number of different answers here, but ultimately it boils down to however long the denied person can physically or mentally last, or however long the partner in charge chooses. Like stated above, it can last hours, days, weeks, months, etc… As long as the person is kept aroused, and has proper motivation and interest, they they will probably be happy to keep going. The denial is broken when the denied person has an orgasm.
Some are given an “orgasm date”, in which case they know how long they will be denied and have a goal to work towards. It can also be a good tease, to remind the denied person that they can’t orgasm for X amount of days. Others might not have that O-date in place, and so will take it one day at a time until they are allowed to orgasm or make themselves orgasm.
There are some people who cannot go longer than a few days without having negative effects (loss of concentration, fatigue, loss of sleep, negative thoughts), and there are some people who can go hundreds of days strong. There is no wrong way to participate in an orgasm denial period. Find your comfort zone, and work within that. Don’t compare yourself or your days with others.
What is Edging?
Edging is being brought to the very precipice of orgasm and then stopping all stimulation before you orgasm. This is usually physical stimulation, but can be mental for some. Basically, if you can reach orgasm from something, you can edge with it (fingers, toys, cock, etc). The point though, is to stop yourself from actually having the orgasm.
To edge multiple times, there should be a break between each edge to allow the body to calm down before bringing it back up to the next edge. The amount of time between each edge will vary from person to person. I’ve seen 60 seconds, and I’ve seen “until you cool down”. Find what works for you. Or one can continuously edge by reaching the edge and holding it up there without going over and cumming and without lessening the arousal/edge. This can be really difficult, and can increase the chance of having an accidental orgasm.
For physical edging, there is soft edging and hard edging:
Soft Edging: at the first teeny tiny little wave of what you think might be an orgasm starting, remove all stimulation.
Hard Edging: stimulating beyond that teeny tiny feeling until you are the slightest moment before an orgasm, when even one more rub will send you over, and then remove all stimulation.
I suppose with the exception of no-touch denials, then to stay properly denied and remain motivated, one must edge probably once a day at the least. I have found that 3 edges a day is the minimum to keep it on my mind throughout the day, although when I first began, it seemed like a lot. A fun thing to do, once you want more edges, is to earn them through tasks either self-imposed or given to you by a partner.
There is also mental-edging, which is just a way to say keeping ones mind horny, and so it will keep your body horny. So looking at porn, reading erotic novels, listening to people orgasm, writing erotic stories, etc. All without touching yourself or being touched.
What is No Touch?
No Touch is exactly what it sounds like: you are not allowed to touch yourself in any way that brings you pleasure. There are varying degrees of no touch, usually decided by a partner, but can be self-imposed. It could be just not being allowed to touch internally, or not allowed to touch externally. Maybe not being allowed to touch your genitals at all, but nipple play might be a-ok. It could also be no touching at all, nothing that brings you pleasure, including things like pressing your thighs together, humping something, or pressing on your full bladder.
Why do no touch? This can be used as a punishment, or as a way to make you more horny and desperate to touch. During no touch, the denied person should be given instructions to keep their mind sexually stimulated through mental edging, so as to not lose interest in the denial. Not being able to touch can make you think about it more, make you even more aroused and desperate. It can also help you appreciate the touching of an actual edge more.
No touch can be done for a single day here and there, or a couple hours, or even as long as a week or two. But extended no touch is difficult to sustain. The interest decreases without the regular stimulation of edging.
If you have a partner, and you are practicing no touch, you should talk beforehand about how it will affect your physical relationship. Will you be free from touch 100%, so neither your partner nor you will touch you? Or will your partner be given free rein of your body, while you can not touch yourself at all? Both could be fun, but remember that if your partner doesn’t get to touch you, you should work extra hard to please them and make sure they are physically satisfied!
I don’t have any personal experience with being in chastity, but it is something both men and women could try while practicing denial. For men, it would be wearing a chastity cage. For women it would be a chastity belt. Even while in chastity, there can be varying levels of physical stimulation.
I’ll leave it to other readers to repost with information on chastity, or add something to the comments.
Ideas for Edging/Mental Edging
These are going to be written for women, because I’m just not very well versed in the ways of male edging. Guys, please chime in (repost with your ideas, or add them in the comments).
- Standard fingers on clit or internally (vaginal or anal)
- Tapping on your clit with your fingertip
- Rubbing yourself over your panties
- Bladder pressing
- Anal Plugs
- Whatever your favorite toy is
- Humping pillows, etc.
- Fucking anything around that house that’s safely insertable (safely meaning it won’t damage anything internally, you won’t mess up your pH, and you won’t get an infection. Put a condom on it if it’s something like a vegetable. Just be smart… when in doubt, don’t do it, or research more.)
- Using the showerhead
- Under the bath faucet
- Using a moist paintbrush on your clit/nipples
- Edging with toothpaste on your clit (fair warning this will be mildly painful. For those who like a lot of pain, try something like tiger balm or bengay.)
- Edge with numbing cream like oraljel or Dermoplast spray (this might not technically count, because you’ll be too numb to feel anything. Also, warning, Demoplast stings when first applied.)
- Assisted Edging (this is a partner edging you)
- Tongue or Fingers
- Cock (assuming your partner is a man)
- Bluetooth vibrator like the we-vibe sync for ldr couples, or couples who want to try this in public/while one is at work.
- Mental Edging
- Watching Porn
- Watching other women/men orgasm
- Listening to an erotic audio book (Check out Cherise Sinclair’s series Masters of the Shadowlands – I literally listened to these books for almost a full calendar year while in my car. Great commutes home!!)
- Read an erotic novel, or erotica online
- Writing your own sexy story
- Ask your Tumblr friends to tease you and turn you on!
- Pleasure your partner without receiving any stimulation yourself
- Change the location of where the denied person is allowed to edge (floor, bed, couch, chair, shower)
- Only allowed to edge while standing
- Can not edge on any furniture
- In public: changing rooms, bathroom stalls, in your car (be careful here, you don’t want to get arrested or make anyone else feel uncomfortable)
- __ Minutes to try to do as many edges (with cool down between so its not just one continuous edge)
- As long as the denied person wants
- 1 hour of continuous edging (even if you hit the edge, you must find a way to not stop touching without going over)
- Send an image of yourself to your partner and they will determine if you need more minutes/edges.
- Edge the entirety of a song/album/tv show/movie
What is a Ruined Orgasm?
And What Will It Do?
A ruined orgasm is when you stop all stimulation at the very onset of an orgasm, and in some cases possibly before, and then just letting the body carry the orgasm forward. The orgasm will happen, but without stimulation there will be no satisfaction. So whether you’re using toys, hands, fingers, etc, when you know that orgasm is just starting or about to start, pull away everything! And let the orgasm happen without touching yourself.
Men and women will experience a ruined orgasm differently in how it is expressed. A man’s ruined orgasm will not spurt cum, it will just sort of dribble out. A woman’s ruined orgasm will look like pulsing, because her muscles will still be contracting in an orgasm, but nothing will be there for it to grab onto.
There will be a period afterwards where arousal will be even greater than usual following a ruined orgasm because all that pent up energy you’ve accumulated prior to the ruin will remain. Many will feel themselves in an even more heightened state, often feeling quite sensitive in many areas of the body. It can leave you feeling more desperate for a full satisfying orgasm. Some may use ruined orgasms as treats/rewards, which can seem strange but when you are being denied/edged for so long, a ruined orgasm is still a type or orgasm!
I’m not sure what would happen if you ruined every time, or very often. I’d be interested to read anyone’s thoughts on this.
One thing I’ve read a lot and experienced is a type of guilt or feelings of failure when you have an unintentional ruin. Perhaps it was just meant to be an edge, but you went a smidge too far and it turned into an orgasm. Accidents happen! And those new to denial should remember that you are just that, new! You need to learn your body, and where your limits are. You need to learn where the edge is. And the edge might be somewhere different depending on what you use. I have found that I can get very very close to orgasm before pulling away when using fingers, but that I have to back off much sooner when humping things like a pillow. Find your own way, and don’t be upset if you accidentally ruin while getting there. It’s just one more learning experience.
If you accidentally ruin, there are a few things you could do. If you have a partner that you are accountable to, you must tell them and they may punish you if they see fit/it was agreed upon ahead of time. If you are doing denial solo, you might consider a few days of no touch. At the very least, do not touch for the rest of that day. Some might find the spike of arousal as punishment enough (seriously, it’s like having fire in my veins. I can’t sit still, and I can’t relax).
What To Do When You Actually Orgasm (A Real, Fulfilled Orgasm!)
I don’t think I have to go into how to give yourself/someone else an orgasm, that’s all up to you and how you want to play. These were a couple ideas I gave my husband, since we are already sure of how to give me an orgasm, so I wanted him to know how to give a denied girl a better experience.
- Definitely tease the denied person to make them anticipate it. Depending on what kind of teasing they like, it could be “Yay, you get to orgasm in 30 days! It’ll be here before you know it!”; or something more cruel like “I can’t believe it’s going to be 30 whole days before you can orgasm. That’s such a long time, how will you ever make it?” See what I did there?
- Make the denied person work for their orgasm! When it’s O time, don’t just go straight for it. Edge yourself/them a few times first, make them earn it.
- If you have a partner that is denied, make them beg you not to orgasm. Yeah, you heard me. You know they’re going to have an orgasm, and they know they’re going to have an orgasm. But knowing it’s O-day and having to beg you not to let you orgasm is such a mind-fuck. It makes you wonder if they changed their mind… To make it worse/more realistic, have them beg not to orgasm while you edge them, and when they hit the edge, stop stimulation and say “well that was going to be your orgasm but you begged so convincingly!” – but in the end, definitely give them their damn orgasm!
- When the real orgasm happens, make it explosive. Draw it out. Even try multiple orgasms as this point because why not? It’s back to denial the next day.
What Denial Does to the Body
I wrote a post about what Denial was doing to my body after only a few short days, so I won’t write it all here. I can’t speak about what men experience, but for me, my responsiveness is heightened. My nipples and skin feel so sensitive, that even my shirt brushing against my nipples would feel like too much. Don’t even get me started on the feeling of the shirt on me after I take my bra off… I’m also wet all the time, or easily made wet. It does things to the mind too, such as it tends to make me want more intense porn.
The best part: I feel a million times sexier. WIN.
Things That Make Orgasm Denial Fun!
- Verbal Teasing
- Reminding the denied person that they cannot orgasm.
- Telling them how desperate and greedy they are.
- Giving the denied person tasks to do – especially tasks that can earn more edges! (These tasks can be anything from doing chores, or sexual favors for your partner; or for those who are doing it solo, give yourself extra edges for doing something you were afraid to do, or for being on time every day this week. Get creative!)
- Changing duration/location of edging, or changing how one edges.
- Having no touch periods to make you appreciate edging!
- Making your partner or yourself ruin orgasms
- Write about how you feel, either in private or here on Tumblr. Or if you have a partner, having the denied person talk about how they feel directly.
- Play denial games with friends, or get a denial buddy to do it with
- Tickling or Massages are a great way to be physical with your partner without touching/edging.
- Physically please your partner while you remained denied/untouched
What I Like About Denial
What I like about it is that it’s all about the pleasure building up and lingering, not about the release. I know now that for me, the pleasure leading up to the orgasm is way better than the actual orgasm. But even knowing this, I still crave and want the orgasm so badly. I am sometimes so horny I can’t even sit still, think, or focus. Those are fun times. You think you’ll never get through this bout of arousal, and curse denial, but then look back fondly at those moments.
Denial makes me want to try new things, sexually, too, which is always great.
I like that it keeps me physically “ready” (read: wet). I like that I feel horny and desperate all the time. It makes me feel very attentive to my husband, more than usual, and more aware of his hands and affections. Even the smallest touches have me at attention. I want to always please him, physically, emotionally. When I’m not focused on my orgasm, I am free to be more focused on his and our shared experience. In short, denial has made me a better wife, submissive, and woman. (note: this is just my personal experience, I’m not making generalizations about everyone)
Safety & Consent
There are a number of safety issues that come to mind when I think of Orgasm Denial, which one might not immediately think of:
- Mental health is the primary concern when I think about orgasm denial. This is no surprise but we are all different and everyone will react differently to denial. Pay attention to how you feel on a daily basis, emotionally as well as physically. If you begin to feel any negative effects, perhaps take a break. Negative effects could manifest as feelings of sadness/depression, anger, wanting to distance oneself from a partner or the world, sudden crying, loss of sleep/appetite, extreme fatigue… Anything that seems out of the ordinary for you. If your partner is the denied person, you must pay attention to their mental health too.
- Realize that you are not in a clear and lucid state of mind when you are edging, or when you are aroused at all. You may have a lack of concentration or alertness. Be careful driving, walking, or even making decisions in your life. Your judgement can be impaired just as if you were drunk.
- Ladies, edging a lot with things you are inserting into your vagina could lead to infection if you are not careful. Be sure to clean your toys between each use, and wash your hands before you insert fingers.
- Be so careful with items you choose to insert inside yourself. I’m not going to play dumb and pretend that people aren’t sticking random things in their vaginas/asses. So if/when you do this, be safe. Think about how much bacteria could be on food items, or even pesticides! And you want to put it in your body? Or even household items. Wash it, and use a condom on it, and be damn sure there’s nothing sharp that will pierce your delicate skin.
- Minor one, but I found that constantly rubbing my clit hard, or humping things, caused me to feel almost like I was bruised there. Take breaks if this happens, just treat your parts kindly.
- Don’t give into the temptation to edge for-fucking-ever. Edging/denial will keep sex on your mind a lot more than before (for many). Don’t forget to go live your life. Don’t miss school/work, don’t skip events, don’t skip meals/showers. If you see yourself doing these things, maybe take a break.
- Stay hydrated! Seriously… you’ll thank me later.
As with any part of sex/BDSM: Consent is mandatory.
So when you and your partner consent and agree to enter into a period of orgasm denial, understand that the denied person, when very aroused, is extremely vulnerable. And since denial is an extended practice (more than just one “scene”) then the person can be in and out of these extreme states of arousal many times in a single day. Your role as their partner who has consented to be a part of the experience, is to ensure their safety in all ways. Ensure that they are not making important decisions when aroused, check in on their mental status frequently, and be sure that they are caring for their body.
Friends, please repost and tag denial practitioner’s blogs. For now, here are the couple of names that I know:
Thanks for reading, and I hope this was very helpful. Please message me or leave a comment here if there are further questions.
Well this is completely brilliant, great job @littlemisssubshine
So many good things in here, and beautifully written as well as being very practical.
Just a couple of points I’d add/tweak. I love the definition of mental edging, but just be aware this simply doesn’t work for some, while for others it can be ALL they need. It really varies.
Tying this with no touch, generally speaking there’s a big difference in impact on genders, women tend to need more physical edging to keep them horny and enjoying it, as noted the author found three edges a day was her sweetspot. Men, while they love edging, tend to continue to stay horny and attentive for longer periods, which is why a cock cage can work so well. Just don’t think you can ignore the person being edged, whatever sex they are, as that is always a mood killer.
Also my definition of edges is a bit different. I tend to use ‘an edge’ just as a much nicer word than ‘masturbation’. So to me an edge is any single session of touching yourself, no matter if you get to the edge of orgasm or not or how many times you got there. This is important because people’s experience of edging can really vary, some are very comfortable ‘riding the edge’ keeping just at the point of tipping over, others find they can ‘bounce’ up to the edge and back again and keep that going, others can only slowly reach the edge and then have to stop.
Defining an edge just as a session of doing this, however you enjoy it, just levels the playing field for everyone. The number of times you hit that edge is far less important than the fact you’re taking a few times out a day to do it. So for me, ‘three edges a day’ simply means three different times you have a go at it – even if you don’t get to THE edge at all!
And so that’s where hard edges and soft edges come in. A hard edge is specifically getting to that point of no return but not slipping over into orgasm just as described. But a soft edge, well it’s ANY masturbation that doesn’t get you to that point.
In my experience, while it doesn’t feel as good, soft edges are pretty much just as effective in keeping you horny and happy and denied as hard edges over time. So if I tell someone to do three edges a day, it’s absolutely fine if one or two of them are just ‘quickies’ rubbing themselves so it feels nice, even for just a few minutes. Although having at least one longer session where you do a ‘hard edge’ is great, often in bed last thing. That’s a good way to manage denial not taking over your life. If all you do is hard edges you can get very obsessed with it, fast. It’s good to mix it up.
But this is the other side of soft edges – they are super useful for those who struggle not to go over into orgasm. And they are also a good punishment for those who have. To be put on ‘soft edges only’ means you are never allowed to take yourself so close you can go over by accident. You can only rub slowly, or not use a vibe, for instance. It’s surprisingly evil.