I’ve decided to give this a try, and I’ve also decided to journal it. I am nervous as hell.
I created this tumblr as a safe space for myself to be able to enjoy my kinks and also to hopefully vocalize the things that I like, since that seems to be a lingering problem for me. I’d never written a caption before this blog, and I’ve had quite a few blogs over the last ast few years. Every time I feel like I’ve outgrown a space, I move, but this time I’ve decided to stay here.
I have a hard time captioning because I go nonverbal when I get extremely aroused. And when I do create a caption I over analyze it, my logical mind and my aroused mind like to fight each other sometimes. I think that’s because I have an intellectual fascination with sex. It’s the main focus of my work and my aspirations. I currently sell sex toys and educate women on their bodies, and my goal is to become a sex therapist. So it can be difficult to go back and forth between looking at something arousing, and looking at something intellectually stimulating that has to do with sex.
I accidentally stumbled on denial before I even started to orgasm regularly. I’ve always been extremely sexual, and I pushed that down for quite a few years. I decided to eventually reclaim that part of myself and find out “what do I like?” “what do I want?”. In my research I found things that aroused me like I had never been aroused before, much more than hormones and a high sex drive. Being turned on by external stimuli drove me crazy. I was constantly horny, and much more adventurous. I was masturbating all the time. I just didn’t realize that what was missing was orgasms.
I’ve always been a heavy squirter. I’ve always done it since my first sexual experience and I thought everyone did. But for me squirting doesn’t mean orgasm, it can, but mostly it doesn’t. My squirting goes between a sort of gushing where I’ll get extremely wet, to fountains like you see in all the porns. I just always assumed that it was an orgasm. I never realized that not having orgasms might have been the reason why I was ready for sex at any moment.
When I finally started having orgasms I was a mess. Every orgasm was so few and far between and I would just get extremely emotional and cry. That’s when I jumped into denial, because fuck orgasms, they’re terrible! I love every denial post, they turn me on like nothing else does. So I thought this was the natural fix to my problems. After all, I just want to please so much more when I’m denied and it makes me feel submissive, so it was a win-win. Needless to say it didn’t work, so I tried a new approach. Have an orgasm every day.
This actually worked out great for me, I was able to get a handle on all of those emotions and figure out how to make myself orgasm. It was so much fun! But life gets in the way and every day didn’t happen anymore, it started stretching longer and longer. I started feeling the difference between needing an orgasm and wanting one.
My biggest issue now is telling the difference between an edge, a ruin and an orgasm. I know that might sound crazy to some, and sometimes I know, but most of the time it’s this grey area. I’m hoping this experiment with denial will teach me the difference. I want to learn more about my body, myself, and my sexuality.
I’m so nervous to post this so I’m just going to post and run and hope I don’t delete this later! 🙈
Reposting before you get a chance to delete it. Congrats on being the first #junojournal!
Oh yeah, you’re committed now, sweetie!
Thank you for a very open and fascinating post, I think a lot of people will find it really helpful.
In terms of your quandary about knowing the difference between an edge, a ruin and an orgasm, let’s keep it simple for now. I suggest you just do ‘soft’ edges. That is, nothing that will even take you far enough to squirt or even accidentally go over. I don’t want you reaching a ‘hard edge’ for now, which is where with a bit more stimulation you think you could climax. Keep it soft, as frustrating as that will be, for at least the next three days and watch the impact.