I’ve been trying denial again.
It’s so hard. It’s so hard to cope with the grief, with the pain, with the realisation that she is dead and always will be.
One word I have been unable to get out of my head: Orphan.
We all become orphans, eventually. But I didn’t think it would happen so soon.
I took a long break. Was it two, three months? I came as much as I wanted, which wasn’t often, but enough. I cried after every orgasm. That, and church, were the few moments when I could release my tears.
But, even in those months, I kept looking at denial porn. I kept thinking about his voice in my ear. We barely spoke, but I knew he was there, always there, in the back of my head, saying “when you feel ready, I’ll be here”.
And he was.
It’s still hard. We’re only doing a few days at a time. Today, it has been four days since I last came, and I am comfortable in the knowledge that he will let me cum again in three days.
It is freeing, because a week is hardly enough after we did denial so intensely for six months, but he still knows how to get inside my head, and I have stopped fighting him.
I told him, if we only deny me for a week, then I feel free to let you do whatever you will.
How mean can he be in seven days?
How cruel can he be in seven days?
How desperate can he really make me in seven days?
Could he make me fuck myself with two dildos at the same time, in the same hole, begging for a ruin?
Could he leave me with sex dreams, and have me waking up dripping wet and desperate for cock?
Could he make me describe in agonising detail one of my darkest fetishes, going into the depths of my twisted mind, hang myself with the proverbial rope he’s given me and beg for more cruelty?
Could he make me admit how badly I want him to lock me up in a chastity belt, the cold steel against my denied cunt, unable to touch no matter how desperate I get?
Could he claim ownership of me, and turn me back into his obedient, submissive, eager fuck toy? Could he make me yearn for when he calls me good girl and princess? Could he so easily turn me back into his very own teacher’s pet?
Could he break me?
In only seven days?
He can do that in four.