How do you think denial in your relationship affects you and your wife? I kinda think the control over somebody’s orgasms makes the two people both kind of more connected in a way
More than ‘in a way’ it’s a huge boost. Although we didn’t really have a name for it, denial formed a very important, early part of our sex life.
As I’ve written about before, this was for a couple of reasons. Firstly I was a kinky little fucker from an early age while she was quite the innocent, so early on when I was teaching her to masturbate (yep, THAT innocent) I wondered what effect it would have if I didn’t let her cum.
Yeah, that went well, very well.
Secondly she was a pastor’s kid so we’d talked about not having sex before we got married – and once I saw the impact of denial on her it all kind of rolled up into a glorious sexy denied ball of fun. We must have been among the most sexually experienced virgins to ever get married, well before the interwebs got hold of you lot anyway.
It really was wonderful, more through luck than planning, as it meant we spent so long exploring every little stage along the way rather than just rushing through to get to the finale. And you later learn, it’s the journey that’s actually the most fun, don’t we, my little denial sluts!
It also forced me to focus on romance as well as sex which is a pretty invaluable lesson for a 20 year old man to learn. Scratch that, any man. No, scratch that, anyone. So yes, it was hugely valuable even back them for building emotional and sexual intimacy between us.
I look back and wonder at how on earth I had that much self control, but it honestly didn’t seem that hard at the time.
I’m in touch with a few engaged couples in similar situations, and the fun addition I usually introduce now is a cock cage for him. By removing the possibility that they might slip up and fuck before they plan to it’s opened up a freedom to really be intimate – notably, the guy has become an oral sex zen master. The gift that keeps on giving…
So for us that time was a real mix of dual denial, again, not consciously knowing what that was. But we’d see each other at a weekend while I was at uni and then both agree to not cum till we got together again. I personally find denial makes me feel even more dominant, so it also spurred our exploration of those roles.
Once we got married we still explored denial to a degree, almost all focused on her as we continued figuring out what dynamic worked for us (pretty classic relaxed D/s at that time) but it was more part of the mix and not very systematic.
As kids came along all the kink and denial faded into the background, because, kids. They take over everything. Every spare moment of time and ounce of energy you have. That was hard, but different stages of life are just part and parcel of it all.
When we finally got some time away just the two of us, we used denial again to help boost our enthusiasm. Which almost worked. We ended up getting to the hotel and just sleeping for 24 hours. But the second night was a success! (Pro tip, if you get away as young parents, two nights is a must).
We’ve got much switchier as we’ve got older. Not really because I’m less dominant, any topping my wife does is still very much ‘under my authority’ – i.e. I could stop it at at any time, not just with a safeword, but with a look. But what you learn about exploring switchy stuff is it just opens up another realm of things to try, and whether she’s being classically submissive or I’m getting her to try more switchy things, my joy continues to be seeing her grow and discover new parts to herself. And so denial now acts almost as ‘dutch courage’ – I’ll edge her and keep her denied to get her in a headspace to try new things – there are always new things!
The irony is I’m much more on the receiving end of denial than I was when we we got married. Instead of a morning blowjob I’ll much more often get a morning edge from her with the promise of wanting to finish it off that evening. She describes it as getting me back to the level of arousal we had in our early days. While that’s not quite true, it does bring many of the benefits, I’m more attentive, romantic, dominant, thoughtful, touchy-feely, creative and more when I’m aroused.
As my wife has often said on her blog, if there was a pill that made men act the way denying him does, it’d be standard issue for most relationships. I’d say the same about the impact on women I guess. it’s the best!