Hi James…I’m a bit frustrated at the moment and I was wondering if you could help me. My new dom is wonderfully kinky and we have a great, loving and kink filled relationship but he doesn’t want to fuck my ass or go down on me and I really miss both of those things :( I have tried talking to him about it but he is from a country where both things are considered repulsive and isn’t willing to consider changing. What should I do?

Hi anon,

Well this is actually quite a complex situation and I do feel for you. Cultural and religious norms are really deep rooted and can take a long time to overcome. 

The anal sex one is more forgivable, you can understand the taboos on that. The oral sex one though, that’s patriarchal bullshit, to be honest. Most world religions condone oral sex, although Islam is a bit mixed on it. The bible actively encourages it (check out the Song of Songs). So ‘not going down on their wives’ is really just a legacy of lazy ass male ancestors who want to cum and run, without getting their beards sticky. 

Fuck that.

So I suggest you hold off on the anal side first, as that’s more complicated, and try tackling the oral sex first.

I’m going to assume he’s more than happy for you to suck his dick till the universe explodes, so let’s try tackling it on an issue of ‘fairness’. Sit him down and be honest about how much you miss oral sex. Make it clear you totally understand where he’s coming from, but add that it just doesn’t seem fair that he’ll have you go down on him, and not reciprocate.

Then, ask, ‘is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to try?’ Suggest shaving, waxing, trimming and the fact you’d shower right beforehand and be super squeaky clean.

If he still shows no room for compromise, I’m not sure there’s much more you can do. You could try the same conversation while you’re edging him, it works wonders at getting anyone trying new stuff as it hugely lowers inhibitions. But you need to be somewhat careful with it as you don’t want him feeling disgusted in the middle of sex play, so be cautious and try and read how he’s responding.

69′s MIGHT be a good way to explore it, try one lying on your sides. If you’re expertly sucking his dick then you’re going to be associating wonderful feeling with his face buried in your snatch – we really are simple creatures, a few of those and he’ll get into it soon enough.

Don’t expect success straight away, but don’t give up. If it’s a loving relationship where you’re wanting the best for each other, and this really matters to you, then I’d really hope to see compromise emerge. And once he gets over the inherited dislike of it, he’ll discover how insanely hot it is to give you such intimate pleasure.

Quickly on the anal side, same kind of approach.If you’ve had success with oral then anal exploration will have a good foundation to build on. ‘You didn’t think you’d like going down on me and now look at you…’

I’d say you should suggest a middle ground like you being plugged, or fucking your ass with a dildo. Then try some anal porn as you edge him, talk about how hot it makes you, see if he warms up to the idea. What can be very powerful for a dom is the idea of ‘owning’ all of you, all your holes. Appeal at the emotional level with that as well as the ‘it feels so fucking good’ angle and you might have more success.

I hope that helps, tricky stuff, thanks for opening up about it. 

James

Leave a Reply