Hi James I’m new here. I’m on day six and I’m really enjoying it… When I’m worked up. When I’m not, I feel like shit. I dated someone who would berate and shame me for masturbating and was emotionally and sexually abusive. I hoped that consensual denial with my current partner would help me work through some of that, and also help with my anorgasmia, but having my autonomy removed with fear of punishment is really triggering sometimes, even if it was my idea and my choice. I feel suck.

Firstly well done for trying it after that difficult start. 

It’s always challenging finding what will help you move on from abusive situations and experience the freedom from the anxiety and flashbacks or worse it can bring.

Our natural tendency is so often to try to squash it, hide it or ignore it hoping that it will go away. 

It won’t, it doesn’t work. The more we push something away the more power we inadvertently give it. It might not emerge during our good times, but you can be sure as hell it’ll come out when we least want it, from triggers or flashbacks or nightmares as we sleep.

So in your situation, I’d suggest we tackle it head on with a big ‘fuck you’ to the former asshole. 

Write them a letter, we’re not actually going to give it to them, it’s just a way of letting it out. Edge yourself stupid, have fun with it, then write a letter, long or short, about why you love masturbating, why it’s good for you, how it feels, and why they were wrong and an asshole. I’d add, if you can, that you forgive them (why? because forgiveness is about YOU, not them, it’s the ultimate closure that they can’t hurt you any more, forgiveness is a big ‘FUCK YOU, you don’t matter enough to me for me to even bother holding this against you’ but it is very hard and you need to be in a good place to do it.)

Then? Crumple it up, or burn it, or bin it or whatever, and cum (if you can) or just rejoice in how that will give you closure. You might find you’re in the mood for a serious fucking. It’s okay to cry, in fact it’s healing (and hot) so if you feel like it, let it flow. 

Do check this through with your partner, and adjust as you feel appropriate – but I’d suggest you do it alone with them there to cuddle (fuck) and love you afterwards as you need.

And then, well, I hope you’ll find it brings a new life to your sex life and exploration of denial. We’d love to hear if it helps, or not.

Can I add to anyone reading this who’s been through abuse, this is NOT a fix for everything and shouldn’t be attempted as a way of dealing with serious traumatic events. This is for the particular situation of this anon being shamed over masturbation.  

I still believe we can’t hide these things away and need to tackle them, but please get advice from an expert who you can talk to and feel safe sharing with. Googling ‘abuse helpline’ or ‘abuse support’ will usually give you a good first place to get support anonymously.