Hi James. I’d like to start by saying that I enjoy how fun yet informative your blog is. Thank you for that. I’ll get right to it. A few months ago, my friend died. This friend happened to be someone I would go to when I felt horny and in need of someone to dominate me. I often think of her when I masturbate. It makes me feel so sad and honestly, what was once a turn on is now a turn off. Can you offer any advice on how to get over this so I can get off?

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. This isn’t a huge surprise because the way we handle and process grief is a long and complex journey. I remember doing some training where we learnt that sometimes those who have lost someone develop a phobia about hugging, because so many people respond to their loss that way they start to link the two.

I think my advice would be don’t try not to think of her. That never works. If you try to not think of white rabbits, guess what your head gets filled with. 

Instead try to shape the thoughts you have into positive ones. Think about the fun times you did get to have with her. Think about how sexy she made you feel. Think about how lucky you were to have her in your life for as long as you did. And imagine her, watching you, how happy seeing you edge and play and be the little kinky bitch you are would make her. Edge for her. To remember her. To celebrate her. And because you know she’d want you to.

It won’t work at first, but with time, it will. You’ll move through the grieving process to a point of acceptance and I hope, end up in a place where you can enjoy remembering her and all you did, and know that she’d want this.

Push through, not too hard, take your time. But push. It’s going to be okay.

James