Hi James. I don’t have any actual sex toys, so I have to get creative. Do you know if it is safe for me to use vegetables washed and wrapped in plastic wrap?

A condom is better but yes, food safe plastic wrap is an okay alternative. It  can be weirdly sharp if ruffled up though, so just try to keep it nice and smooth.

The washing is important too, you just don’t want pesticides or soil bacteria inside you, that isn’t going to do you any good.

If you are exploring fucking vegetables (and millions do!) then a few tips:

Make it a whole fun experience. Before you go shopping, edge your brains out thinking how it’s going to feel to shove something deep in you. Go to the store wearing something you feel sexy in, and ideally in a skirt or dress with no panties. 

Pick out a few different things to try. A carrot is often a good starting point, find one that tapers wider, and then also one that’s thicker all along it. Courgettes are popular too. If you want something bigger, a cucumber is an obvious choice.

An aubergine is an interesting one, very smooth and a good stretch. I have a friend who swears by corn, on the cob.

The shape of some drinks bottles makes them popular too:

But they’re obviously much wider than most vegetables, and you have to be careful of sharp edges. Only for the experienced.

None of these are really suitable for your butt though. I know people carve carrots into butt plugs but they are likely to snap off. If you do that with a condom over it it’s a much safer bet.

That’s ambitious:

For the most daring you can of course JUST pick some cock shaped items, then pick the cutest check out clerk of your choice, and watch them put them through, starting to wonder what you’re going to use them for.

Add a bottle of lube and they’ll be left with no doubt… I dare you.

If you try any of the above, then do send in pictures of what you buy (no, not in you, just your purchases would be cute). And tell us how you get on!

I’m sure we’ll get some tips in the notes from other vegetable lovers.

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