Hey James Here’s a question for your followers as well as you. I’ve been single for… Too long. H/ever I’ve been pretty sexually active. At around August, I decided I’d had enough of the meat market, one night mentality of a lot of the guys I hooked up with. I haven’t had any sort of sexual contact with anyone but me since. Here’s my question: every time I finish playtime, regardless of whether it’s an edge, ruin or orgasm, I feel terrible afterwards. Does this happen to anyone else out?

Hi VV,

Well, that’s interesting. I’d not have been surprised if you said it happened when you ruin or orgasm, but the fact it hits you even after you just edge is, in my experience unusual. One of the big benefits of edging is that you don’t get the big emotional come down after playing – which can be super useful if you suffer from guilt or abuse flashbacks, for example, as it really diminishes the impact.

The fact that even with just edges it’s still hitting you so hard suggests to me that something deeper is going on, and probably something quite simple – you feel lonely. 

This in my opinion does not mean taking yourself out of the ‘meat market’ was a bad call. I’m a huge fan of monogamous, serious, loving relationships, and think it’s the very best context for any sex or kink to take place. And what tends to happen with one night stands and short term hooks ups is that they act like sticking plasters, covering up the deeper emotional needs that aren’t being fulfilled, which perhaps now you’re having to face – and really hit home after masturbating.

This is not a bad thing though. Putting sticking plasters on a deep wound only makes it worse in the long term. You don’t realise how badly you’re hurting, until your leg drops off…

Singleness is okay. And perhaps now’s an opportunity for you to think on that, and embrace it. I’m not saying rule out relationships, they are amazing and essential parts of many of our lives. But the very best relationships come from when two people, who like themselves, get together and realise they like themselves together even more. 

So maybe, VV, make the positive decision to focus on you right now. On developing who you are, and who you want to be, and working out a plan on how to get there. Because that is amazingly attractive in anyone. And the more you decide that you’re good enough, without any one else to prop you up, the more likely it becomes that someone will want to come alongside you and join you in that journey.

And get out there and meet people – not with the intention of finding a partner or even a hook-up, but because you believe in something. Find a cause or community you want to be part of – and who want to know you, not because they might have the chance to fuck you, but because they share something much more interesting in common with you, whatever that might be, music, faith, sport, culture, learning…

And apply that same thinking to your playtimes. Get some new toys, try out some new things, maybe get online and learn some more and figure out just what you are into. 

I think once you feel you’ve got more direction, and actively choose to focus on building yourself up, and get out there and meet new people in non-sexual contexts, you’ll find your playtimes take on a life of their own, and become something positive and fun again.

I hope that’s useful, as VV says, if you’ve had a similar experience then we’d love to hear your story too.

James

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