Hello Sir – I’m vetting a prospective sub and she told me that she has no limits regarding orgasm denial but she’s learned from experience that if she is put on a multi day denial she just sort of loses interest in sex or orgasms. She said if I really want to do denial as part of our dynamic the best timing for her is to allow her to cum every couple of days. Have you heard something similar ever? Or is she trying to top from the bottom? She seems very honest and self aware so I can’t decide.
Straight-up denial can indeed cause the libido to shrivel up. But her solution isn’t the answer (nice try, subby). So, you put her on an edge/denial regimen. She is to edge daily, but she doesn’t get the release of orgasm until you choose to end it. Trust me, her libido will be lit up like a road flare in a dark field at night, and there’s no risk of her “losing interest in sex and orgasms.” If anything, she’ll most likely walk around in a constant state of semi-rutting, with that constant excruciating, exquisite reminder that you own her orgasms now.
The other problem with denial and edging is that it can fuck with your brain chemistry. I used to give a similar warning to Doms, because I often use orgasms to regulate my mood. If I don’t have an orgasm every few days or so, I can sink into a depression. Or rather, if I’m already sinking and I can’t catch myself with orgasm, then Bad Things Happen. I no longer put it on the list though, because if I’m going to submit to a Dominant, I can trust him/her enough to let them distinguish between when I need an orgasm and when I want one.
I also get the problem with libido going down. If I am denied with no edging, I get very meh about orgasms within a few days. Edging can help keep my libido up without orgasm, but it’s tricky, too. If I’m on the path to depression, edging can make me drop hard. I feel alone and isolated and unseen. But being edged by a partner can make me feel safe and loved and wrapped in warmth. Being held as I come down from the edge, knowing I won’t orgasm. That is a powerful, connecting moment. Because what I need is the endorphins and the connection, not the orgasm. It’s just trickier to get those without orgasm. And hard to give up control for that reason.
Dominants need to understand that orgasms serve multiple purposes, not just sexual pleasure. They are also a powerful source of mood regulation. If your submissive is prone to depression or anxiety, denial may take away an important coping mechanism. Don’t take it away without replacing it with other, stronger coping mechanisms.
You have to build the structure for understanding before you can take control. Require your submissive to tell you about their feelings. Build mechanisms for open discussion about what’s working and isn’t (meta-talks or check-ins). Learn when, why, and how your submissive orgasms before you start denial. As a submissive, I need to know that you truly understand what it means when you say no, or your no feels hollow.
This is great insight from the submissive POV.
@cherished-property I relate to this so hard. For a while when lms and I would casually tease and play he’d often ask me if I wanted to cum after being edged for a bit and I’d say no but not really think about why. We did this for a while until I realized that it was the connection I needed, not the orgasm itself. I needed to edge and come down edge and come down edge and come down bc it strengthened our connection. And that’s what I needed to feel. To feel owned and used and taken care of. It always makes it even better when he then cums in me and continues the edge and come down. *shiver*
“…until I realized that it was the connection I needed, not the orgasm itself.”
also, i experienced the exact thing in a previous relationship that @cherished-property did when she said “If I’m on the path to depression, edging can make me drop hard. I feel alone and isolated and unseen.” In fact somewhere way back on my blog, i audio recorded the final edge in a series of them he’d instructed me to. I don’t even know why I recorded it, it was completely impromptu, but it felt important. like i literally had to, like i needed people to hear me dissolve into those deeply sad tears. and maybe that was because i was so isolated, or approaching a depressed period. i just didn’t realize it at the time.
Interesting and informative exchange. I approach this with somewhat similar blend
of the thoughts stated above, perhaps not as articulately.
I think it all boils down to the central concept behind any
relationship, D/s or otherwise – that it should be something that enhances your
life, not detracts. In the context of a
D/s relationship, from the D-side, I think this is expressed in the concept of
ownership. I own her – not her orgasms –
her; it is a comprehensive concept that involves a combination of leadership
and thoroughly-informed/well-studied management exercised in the best interests
of your submissive, with the goal of achieving the kind of relationship
consistent with your joint vision.
A few years ago, a former submissive, who was a member of
the military, asked me to assist her with a diet she wanted to complete prior
to deployment to Afghanistan. She easily
met the applicable weight criteria but wanted to reach a separate her personal
goal as she felt it would be helpful when operating in the desert
environment. She could have done this
herself but she felt it was easier to do so in the context of our relationship
as it just helped her maintain the discipline she needed to succeed. I am not a dietician and so I asked her to
clear her dietary plan with her physician; she did and with that expert
assurance, I was happy to exercise this control. The point is, I got to know her well and to
understand what would be healthy for her before I acted.
I see orgasms as a necessary biological function; not unlike
eating, drinking, exercise etc. Beyond encouraging reproduction, orgasms serve
a useful purpose in stress management, perspective etc. In the context of a relationship, orgasms can
help to enhance and solidify the bond.
For this reason, I manage control of orgasms carefully. There
has to be a productive purpose. Edging
can be useful but it has to take place in an environment where she knows I am
doing this to enhance her and us and that I am aware of her needs. Let me repeat that; her specific needs. This means I have taken the time to really
get to know her, to understand where she is trending, when she needs extra
support, when she needs to be cared for and when I need to tighten my
control/exercise discipline. It is
through this lens – ownership of her; responsibility for her well-being, her growth,
her healing, her happiness and resonance in the relationship – that I exercise
this power. Control of orgasms is just
one tool in the box towards achieving our agreed-upon goals.
One of THE best discussions from both sides of the slash on orgasm denial, control, and training with a all too neglected focus on the responsibility the Dominant takes on when initiating this as part of the dynamic.
A very helpful insight and discussion into the power and role of edging and denial within kink relationships.