Denial recently overwhelmed me. 

My pussy is engorged to the point I ache.  The impulse to edge is almost irresistible. I wake up in the middle of the night to edge – and I can think of little more than how to get him to fuck me again, and again, and again. I feel overwhelmed. I also feel selfish. I’m not really looking to please him – I am looking to try and quench my cravings even briefly. I tell myself the point of denial and edging is to keep me ready for him and focussed on his pleasure – but all I can think about is my own deep and consuming ache. I want him to use me more to sate my own craving – I feel so so needy.

It isn’t as if I am never cumming. He allowed me to orgasm just two days ago. Just once though. My first in ten days. My second in twenty-eight days. One wet explosive orgasm that seemed to bestir my arousal more than it resolved it. Having cum once though seems to have made things more intense. My pussy is so swollen and achey. Engorged. It wants to be released. I didn’t know what to ask for. Asking to cum feels so contrary to what we were doing. 

Instead I daydream about my clit being licked. I so want my own submissive between my legs licking me while he watches and enjoys. Maybe he fucks her while she licks me. I yearn for him to touch me, edge, me, lick me. I imagine ways I might be worthy of pleasure by being humbled and I marvel at my draw to humiliation. I have always contended denial play is not about humiliation for me but rather about deserving intense denial and connection to him. But how do I then make sense of the fantasy that repeats of me being allowed to orgasm in a room filled with his friends while I ride a fucking chair, squirting all over the place, allowing others to cum on me, while the room watched and even somewhat amused at my debasement? What is that?!

I didn’t know what to ask for. 

Should I ask him to help me squirt without cumming? Maybe that would relieve the ache without the pleasure… 

Should I ask him to hit my pussy and make it swollen and sore such that the ache is replaced with a different pain sensation? I have realized recently that pain is its own release – one I greatly appreciate when I have unrequited arousal… 

Should I ask him to hold the line? Deny? Me?Allow me to please more people in order to tamp down the roar? 

Should I ask to be allowed to cum? Could I?

What do I do? I feel needy and weak. I feel selfish. I feel vulnerable. I feel engorged by desire and submerged in my dynamic … It is somewhat overwhelming.

So many questions…
Such, good, questions.
Denial has the answers.

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